My dream is similar, No Name. I dream I am sent back there at the age I am now. (30s). The whole Twilight Zone vibe that was atmospheric at CEDU pervades my dreamscape. I don the Stepford Act as I plot my escape, only to be discovered... at this point, I am desperate and pull no verbal punches in unveiling CEDU as a cult. In my dream, there are always a few students nearby as well as power staff... I use whatever verbal logic I have to try to get them to Snap Out. It doesn't work; I'm branded. There is a real feeling of terror that sort of reminds me of how I feel when I watch Clockwork Orange for a reason.
But tonight for whatever reason, I was reading an article I wrote on a different subject that briefly recalls my stint at a cult. I started thinking of My Mom and our visit last month. I casually mentioned cedu being a cult, and she stiffened--it was immediately understood this was topic non grata. Unlike many, I harbor no ill will toward her for sending me there. It was before Internet. The PR looked credible. She was desperate, and so was I. What I do resent is her inability to allow me to even topically refer to the true nature of this place. That she would rather cling to whatever delusions she still has rather than glance ever so slightly at reality. Why should I deny the impact of That Place--not a school--or its continued effect on present day youths in its mutant forms--to enable her to live outside of reality? Why do I have to act as if the truth is a lie? So many CEDU survivors have taken years to flush out the kool aid are still unable to discuss what happened with their parents, even casually. I realized that even my "life" on Fornits is bifurcated from my "real life". I've only discussed it with two civilians, and really, this is a secret world. Part of it is because it is unfathomable to people who did not witness it. With parents, I think they already know they most likely fucked up pre-program, and can't face the additional realization that the place they sent their child to save them was not, in actuality, The Promised Land for Fucked Up Youths.
So, anyway, I've got insomnia tonight, which is always dangerous.. you end up imagining the conversations you want to have and never will.