Why CEDU friendships were utter bullshit

[try another castle]

...now that I have your attention.

Okay, okay, they weren't *total* bullshit... BUT, I would HOPE that they weren't the best friendships you ever had. Please don't tell me that, because, unless you graduated three years ago or less, that totally sucks.

Someone in another thread mentioned this. We felt close to each other because we all went through the same trauma. At the same time, we had to betray each other on a regular basis, because we either didn't want to get caught ourselves, or we sincerely believed in the program and thought we were doing it for our peer's own good. Granted, I am talking about from my era, where the student gestapo was in full force, as opposed to the 90s when things started to loosen up a little bit. We really did police ourselves quite well.

I'm sorry, but I could never sustain a friendship that has that kind of history. The reason Idaho and I get along so well is that despite the fact that we were there at the same time, we really didn't pay much attention to each other, and we weren't friends, so there isn't any history, for the most part.

So, here's part of the reason why I am starting this thread. I had a memory come back to me, which, IMO, sums up perfectly how the friendship dynamic worked at that place.

I believe I mentioned in another thread a long time ago about one of my experiences in my truth propheet. First off, I am the baby of the peer group, and I get put into the truth a week after I get there. I literally only have two raps before I go in. Secondly, I already identified as a dyke when I got there, and had no qualms about being out and proud and quite obnoxious. (and yes, I am a guy now, for people who haven't caught up.) So, during the rap in the truth, Caroline is across from me, she points at me, with her ears and face turning bright red, and screams at the top of her voice "Don't you fuck with my girls!!" I remember being horrified. I mean, she sincerely looked pissed and hateful, as opposed to being someone who was putting on an act to try to freak me out.

Anyway, that was my first traumatic experience at that school.

So, rewind a bit and go to my first day there. Two female students come out to greet me and give me a tour. They are holding hands, and their smiles seem.... weird. One of the students, C, was actually graduating a week later, but she was, I believe, chosen to tour me and take me in, since she also was into wicca when she first got to RMA, and I believe swung both ways in her "prior" life, but I'm not sure.

Anyway, despite the fact that I am completely freaked out by this fresh hell that I have experienced over the past two days, what with my parents lying to me to get me up to the school, and not being able to say goodbye to any of my friends at home, and going through relocation shock and placement for the second time in my life, C is a comforting presence. She was sweet, easygoing, down to earth, light-hearted, and I didn't feel as stressed out when I was around her.

I also felt comfortable talking with her about being a queer teen, since the other kids at the school were visibly uncomfortable about the whole idea of some dyke making waves. She was totally laid back about it, and we joked around and laughed. Apparently, during our conversation, I jokingly said "I want a woman." which she thought was very funny and she repeated it back to me later, indicating how humorous she found it.

That was the memory that flitted through my brain today... which triggered something else... a piece of that memory from the truth...

Up until today, all I remembered from that rap was Caroline saying "Don't you fuck with my girls!"

Well, earlier this afternoon, I remembered what she said just prior to that.
"You think you're a witch. You think you're a dyke. 'I want a woman.' Don't you fuck with my girls!"

Despite the fact it was common knowledge at the school already (in the short week I had been there) that I was a dyke, the only person I had ever said "I want a woman" to was C.

She ratted on me. The first person I trusted at that place turned me in to the screws, and inadvertently contributed to one of my first horrific experiences there.

I connected the dots the minute Caroline said this to me, and my brain processed the information and had made its decision before I even realized what had happened. Instead of being angry or hurt, I was met with a cold realization that I couldn't trust anyone at this place, and that truly frightened me. My brain said "survival mode" and shut down all unnecessary functions, and that's pretty much how I went through my 2.5 years there.

C got me out of the truth, and I was thrilled to see her. I never even allowed myself to remember the fact that she contributed to that, and that decision to forget happened almost immediately after I realized the betrayal. Like I said, survival mode.

The fucked up thing about all of this is... C did something without thinking, and it was something that was quite contrary to her overall personality, despite the fact that said personality was currently compromised by the program. I'm sorry, but if she had her wits about her, she would never have done that, especially if she had thought it through to the obvious and inevitable result... that it would get my asshole a new neighbor courtesy of Caroline.

I didn't know her all *that* well, but I think I got enough of an impression of her personality to be able to make that judgement.

And this is my point, we were all, to some degree or another... compromised by the program. We did things to our so called friends that in the real world is considered disloyal and insensitive. How can you build a friendship off of that kind of past?

I will say that I am proud of the fact that, if I remember correctly, I NEVER ratted on anyone at that fucking school. Sure, I pulled students up, and got into a HUGE fight in the house with my little sister about the fact that she needs to make her bed, and I would request people for raps, but I don't ever recall going to a staff member to give them the dish on another student. If I tried to pull someone up and they didn't listen, I'd let it go, and feel totally horrible and stupid about it, because I hated doing that kind of shit anyway.

I really don't have any super strong feelings about this memory. I mean, I'm not pissed or anything. It's more like a "Wow. I totally forgot about that... Hmm... fascinating."


So... seriously, for people out there who say that their CEDU friendships were the best ones they've ever had (and I know these people exist because I've read their posts.) please please please get some new friends.

[Anonymous]

Right on target, Sorry. I went to CEDU-RS in the same era you were in RMA and I feel the same way about CEDU friendships. I have a hard time understanding when people say that CEDU friends were the best they ever had.   Not unless you think friendship consists of bullying, snitching, dramatizing, and exploiting weaknesses. Friendships were tainted by the contrived experiences you were put in that created forced intimacy and intensity.

I mean, did you go through Lifeboat with your outside friends? DID YOU WANT TO?

You come out of CEDU and expect all friendships to live up to this standard of disclosure and intensity only to find they will never measure up... so you end up not valuing them as much. Which is fucking backward.

My idea of a "Brother's Keeper" is not one of coersion and exploitation... or someone who helps the staff enforce ideas of me that are either untrue or inaccurate.  My idea of a brother's keeper isn't one who kicks me when I'm down and is rewarded for it. Hell, no.

I get that we were all in the same boat, but some of them sure seemed to enjoy the power version more than others. And regardless, CEDU did not promote what it is to be a true friend.

There are some kids that I would love to run into now, because in my view, they were just as complicit as staff.

[Zack Bonnie]

There she goes again,
beautiful and intelligent.

[Zack Bonnie]

Shanlea, not castle.

[dniceo7]

I thought the friendships I made there were the best I'd ever had because when we were there, we were bonded together so strongly against a common "enemy". I would still say one of the friends I met there is the best friend I have, but the rest have gone stale. No matter what you say, we were not that same people there that we are now. And not in the way that everyone changes over time. When I read through my old phase portfolios and restriction notebooks and propheet journals recently, I couldn't remember writing most of it, it felt like a completely different person wrote all that brainwashed bullshit. The real tests of friendship that come with the real world showed just how bullshit most of those friendships were. So yes, I agree almost whole-heartedly with Castle, those friendships may have seemed unbreakable at the time, but I could honestly care less about 90% of those old friends nowadays.

Unfortunately, CEDU left me with a feeling of distrust for anyone who hadn't experienced what I did, so the first few years on the outs became extremely lonely as I realized how bullshit most of my CEDU friendships were. With the closure I've begun to feel over the past few years have come some really great friends, and yes, THESE are the best friends I'll ever have...these friends I truly connected with on my own...CEDU friends just happened to be there at the time.

[Anonymous]

hi, my name is alia and i went to cedu in 1990ish when i was 14, i am 30 now and finally dealing with it.

i also read over my old journals and felt like it was someone else, not me, writing them.  i also shut down into survival mode until i graduated.  i have been completely incapable of any kind of intimacy since.

i 'fully disclosed' everything to my friends when i got out of there.  they were in shock.  i drifted from them but they were always the only ones i felt understood me even long after i had forgotten all about cedu and completely pushed it out of my concious life.  nothing but eerie unclear nightmares about some vaguely familiar place in the mountains where i had to constantly fight to stay alive.

i know i will never stop regretting the things i said to other kids there.  i know that i remember almost nothing of what i said.  i also know that i do remember the things that were said to me by the staff i trusted before i realized that they were INSANE.

I am trying to write a book now.  I heard about you guys from blownawaytheidahoway.  he's a cool guy.

we are all cool.  even the ones who like you said enjoyed the thrill and the rush of hurting others.  they are just warriors, that is not their fault.  we are all stuck here on this psychically wounded planet, where our philosophy draws us ever nearer the apocolypse, and our masters egg us towards abandoning the last vestiges of humanity remaining in our wounded souls in the name of increased profits.

we are the lucky ones, we are the ones for whom there is no doubt that these people are in the wrong.  we are immune to their lies and their manipulations.  as our country sinks deeper into phsycological depression (most likely) as a result of the betrayals and fear controls we have all seen take place in the media over the past 10 years, people will need someone to lean on, someone to help them have faith that there is more to life than the lies they have been told.

we all who went to cedu and rma and the other torture camps around the us know that these people are liars and the fathers of lies.  we know that our souls do not conform into pixilated boxes and we know that we are just fine, just who we are, no help from anyone thanks, no need to mold me and shape me thanks, i know i know best for me, and i respect liberty and understand its necessity better than mankind has in the past.  we are the future.  they are the past.

[try another castle]

Something I wrote in my journal a while ago.

The brothers keeper tools. Even though there are several sayings that existed before CEDU, and are well known, they took on a new meaning at RMA. Allow me to explain:

"You are your brothers' keeper."
Translation:
"Your friend's actions and well-being are your responsibility. Another person's autonomy and privacy are not worthy of respect, if you know what is better for them."

"The harder the truth to tell, the truer the friend who tells it."
Translation:
"It is perfectly okay to be a self-righteous prick and say brutal, nasty, and inappropriate shit to someone in the name of friendship, regardless of their feelings, if you think it's in their best interest."

"No man is an island."
Translation:
"Isolation is unacceptable. Whether it suits you or not is irrelevant."

"The essence of friendship is total trust."
Translation:
"Boundaries are bad."

"Without friends, life has no meaning."
Translation:
"Without friends, you are a loser."

[Anonymous]

ooooh. now that's nice and tight.

[dishdutyfugitive]

"No man is an island" in the context of RMA means

"don't listen to your common sense - give us your complete obedience"