...now that I have your attention.
Okay, okay, they weren't *total* bullshit... BUT, I would HOPE that they weren't the best friendships you ever had. Please don't tell me that, because, unless you graduated three years ago or less, that totally sucks.
Someone in another thread mentioned this. We felt close to each other because we all went through the same trauma. At the same time, we had to betray each other on a regular basis, because we either didn't want to get caught ourselves, or we sincerely believed in the program and thought we were doing it for our peer's own good. Granted, I am talking about from my era, where the student gestapo was in full force, as opposed to the 90s when things started to loosen up a little bit. We really did police ourselves quite well.
I'm sorry, but I could never sustain a friendship that has that kind of history. The reason Idaho and I get along so well is that despite the fact that we were there at the same time, we really didn't pay much attention to each other, and we weren't friends, so there isn't any history, for the most part.
So, here's part of the reason why I am starting this thread. I had a memory come back to me, which, IMO, sums up perfectly how the friendship dynamic worked at that place.
I believe I mentioned in another thread a long time ago about one of my experiences in my truth propheet. First off, I am the baby of the peer group, and I get put into the truth a week after I get there. I literally only have two raps before I go in. Secondly, I already identified as a dyke when I got there, and had no qualms about being out and proud and quite obnoxious. (and yes, I am a guy now, for people who haven't caught up.) So, during the rap in the truth, Caroline is across from me, she points at me, with her ears and face turning bright red, and screams at the top of her voice "Don't you fuck with my girls!!" I remember being horrified. I mean, she sincerely looked pissed and hateful, as opposed to being someone who was putting on an act to try to freak me out.
Anyway, that was my first traumatic experience at that school.
So, rewind a bit and go to my first day there. Two female students come out to greet me and give me a tour. They are holding hands, and their smiles seem.... weird. One of the students, C, was actually graduating a week later, but she was, I believe, chosen to tour me and take me in, since she also was into wicca when she first got to RMA, and I believe swung both ways in her "prior" life, but I'm not sure.
Anyway, despite the fact that I am completely freaked out by this fresh hell that I have experienced over the past two days, what with my parents lying to me to get me up to the school, and not being able to say goodbye to any of my friends at home, and going through relocation shock and placement for the second time in my life, C is a comforting presence. She was sweet, easygoing, down to earth, light-hearted, and I didn't feel as stressed out when I was around her.
I also felt comfortable talking with her about being a queer teen, since the other kids at the school were visibly uncomfortable about the whole idea of some dyke making waves. She was totally laid back about it, and we joked around and laughed. Apparently, during our conversation, I jokingly said "I want a woman." which she thought was very funny and she repeated it back to me later, indicating how humorous she found it.
That was the memory that flitted through my brain today... which triggered something else... a piece of that memory from the truth...
Up until today, all I remembered from that rap was Caroline saying "Don't you fuck with my girls!"
Well, earlier this afternoon, I remembered what she said just prior to that.
"You think you're a witch. You think you're a dyke. 'I want a woman.' Don't you fuck with my girls!"
Despite the fact it was common knowledge at the school already (in the short week I had been there) that I was a dyke, the only person I had ever said "I want a woman" to was C.
She ratted on me. The first person I trusted at that place turned me in to the screws, and inadvertently contributed to one of my first horrific experiences there.
I connected the dots the minute Caroline said this to me, and my brain processed the information and had made its decision before I even realized what had happened. Instead of being angry or hurt, I was met with a cold realization that I couldn't trust anyone at this place, and that truly frightened me. My brain said "survival mode" and shut down all unnecessary functions, and that's pretty much how I went through my 2.5 years there.
C got me out of the truth, and I was thrilled to see her. I never even allowed myself to remember the fact that she contributed to that, and that decision to forget happened almost immediately after I realized the betrayal. Like I said, survival mode.
The fucked up thing about all of this is... C did something without thinking, and it was something that was quite contrary to her overall personality, despite the fact that said personality was currently compromised by the program. I'm sorry, but if she had her wits about her, she would never have done that, especially if she had thought it through to the obvious and inevitable result... that it would get my asshole a new neighbor courtesy of Caroline.
I didn't know her all *that* well, but I think I got enough of an impression of her personality to be able to make that judgement.
And this is my point, we were all, to some degree or another... compromised by the program. We did things to our so called friends that in the real world is considered disloyal and insensitive. How can you build a friendship off of that kind of past?
I will say that I am proud of the fact that, if I remember correctly, I NEVER ratted on anyone at that fucking school. Sure, I pulled students up, and got into a HUGE fight in the house with my little sister about the fact that she needs to make her bed, and I would request people for raps, but I don't ever recall going to a staff member to give them the dish on another student. If I tried to pull someone up and they didn't listen, I'd let it go, and feel totally horrible and stupid about it, because I hated doing that kind of shit anyway.
I really don't have any super strong feelings about this memory. I mean, I'm not pissed or anything. It's more like a "Wow. I totally forgot about that... Hmm... fascinating."
So... seriously, for people out there who say that their CEDU friendships were the best ones they've ever had (and I know these people exist because I've read their posts.) please please please get some new friends.