dirty joke thread

[Antigen]

Uh, dude? I'm not freaking out. And you (or someone who thinks like you, talks like you and tends to use the same proxies as you) are the one who posted the shit and then threw fits and tantrums when I passed along the request to have it removed. Thanks for your kind concern, though.

Now then, in the spirit fo countering all the morosity seeping in here....

The priest and the Baptist minister in this small town were very good friends. They met weekly to have some lunch, play some chess and talk shop. One of these weeks, the priest asks his friend if he's noticed a lot of theft lately. "Oh yeah", says he, "Why, it's gotten so bad, just last week somebody stole my bicycle. Your flock as well?"

"Yes" says the father. "So how do you intend to minister to your flock?"

"Well", says the minister. "Whenever I find a problem in my flock and no one's asking for my council about it, I just give a sermon on the Ten Commandments. When I get to the one that's giving us trouble, why I just pause heavily and search the faces of my congregation. Sometimes you can tell just who's breaking that commandment, sometimes they just think you can. Either way, it often helps guid my flock back into the ways of the lord/"

"Well thank you, sir, that's a wonderful idea. I think I'll try it w/ my congregation."

So, a week rolls around and the two old friends meet for their customary Wednesday business lunch. The priest tells the minister how wonderfully his ploy had worked and all about how the singel mother who, out of desperation, had been doing all the unauthorized fleecing of his flock had come and made confession and how he was able to redirect her and hook her up w/ some sanctified socialism instead.

"And how'd it go for you, sir?" the priest asked. "Oh fine, fine. When I got to the one about adultery, I remembered where I had left my bicycle."

The most fundamental purpose of government is defense, not empire.
--Joseph Sobran

[Anonymous]

On 2006-01-11 13:07:00, Anonymous wrote:

"

On 2006-01-09 11:18:00, Antigen wrote:


"Big smelly red neck walks into a Citibank branch, stinking of stale rum sweat, spittin chew and generally being obnoxious. He gets up to the window and tells the teller "I want to open an account in this here shithole of a bank. Now get me the papers, bitch, and don't take yer time!"





Teller says "excuse me, sir?"





"What, you a deaf bitch too? Or one a them there fergners? I said I want to open an account in this here bank. Now get the papers and don't stop to powder your nose or chat w/ your little girlfriends along the way."





Teller excuses herself and gets the manager. Manager walks up, says "Excuse me sir, what seems to be the problem?" Redneck says "Well, I just won $30 million on the lotto and I want to put this here check in this piece a shit bank." Manager says "Oh? And this dumb bitch is giving you trouble?"

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
--Anonymous

"

Splendid post showing us your value system, Antigen. Kind of like, you make money off advertising for the treatment industry now. Who cares how abusive it is if you are getting paid.



Want to know why you are freaking out? Because the stress caused by the nonsense of your nonexistent value system is finally giving you a nervous breakdown. Your complete lack of respect for survivors has let this forum stand as is, and now it advertises for the very things it professes to despise. If you are telling the truth about Luke Riffle's film funding getting dropped because of the slander on him that you refused to delete, you should be very concerned that your Anything Goes philosophy bears far more resemblance to everything rotten in history than it does to "free speech". You have, by your recent as well as standard actions of deleting things and otherwise abusing people, shown yourself to be no proponent of free speech whatsoever. Your mind and your message board are short circuiting."

Laughter is the best medicine. ::kiss::

[Antigen]

Aw shucks, he kissed me! Now cut that out. Bill's starting to not be kidding about me sampling the goods in this here meat market.

He, who has nothing, and who himself belongs to another, must be defended by him, whose property he is, and needs no arms. But he, who thinks he is his own master, and has what he can call his own, ought to have arms to defend himself, and what he possesses; else he lives precariously, and at discretion.

--James Burgh 1774

[dragonfly]

[Antigen]

Hush now! I told Bill it's just the kids' pet gerbils making all that noise.

If the natural tendencies of mankind are so bad that it is not safe to permit  people to be free, how is it that the tendencies of these organizers are always good?  Do not the legislators and their appointed agents also belong to the human race?

--Frederic Bastiat -- 1801-1850

[dragonfly]

[Anonymous]

On 2005-11-07 12:10:00, Anonymous wrote:

"This guy goes on a business trip to New York, his company is putting him up in New Jersey.  He gets bored and decides to go to a bar to have a drink.  He sees a very attractive woman at the other end of the bar and tells the bartender he wants to buy her a drink.  The bartender tells him that she is a prostitute and that he should just go tell her what he wants.  He approaches the woman and asks if she is indeed, 'working', she says yes, and suggests they go outside to the parking lot to discuss the transaction.  He asks how much she charges for a hand job, she replies "Five hundred dollars".  ""$500 for a hand job?  I know this is NY, but that seems very expensive".



She says "I give the best hand jobs in the world, and they cost $500.  Do you see that Ferrarri parked there?  I bought that car with money I made giving hand jobs.  If you don't think it's worth it, you don't have to pay."



The guy thinks, well, I can't lose, so he says OK.  They get into the Ferarri and she gives him the best hand job he's ever had.  He's happy to give her $500.



"Hey, someone who gives hand jobs as good as yours, I bet you give really good head, too."



"Yes, I give the best blowjobs in the world, they cost $2500"



"$2500!  That's a lot of money for a blow job!" he replies.



"See that condominium across the street?  I own that building and I live in the penthouse suite.  I bought that building with money I made giving blow jobs.  Come upstairs with me, I'll blow you in my living room, if you don't think it's worth it, you don't have to pay."



The guy figures it's a deal, so they go up to the penthouse, where he receives the best blow job of his life.  He gladly pays the hooker $2500.  He looks around the penthouse, admiring the furniture, and the decor, particularly a picture window looking out towards the lights of Manhatten.



He says "Someone like you must be a really wild fuck.  How much to fuck you?" he asks.











The prostitute points out the picture window.  "Do you see that island out there? Manhatten?  If I had a pussy I'd own that thing"."

 :rofl:  :rofl:

[webcrawler]

Beer vs. Pussy


1 Beer is always wet. Pussy needs a little work. - One point to BEER

2. Warm beer tastes awful. - One point to Pussy

3. A really cold beer is satisfying. - One point to BEER

4. If after taking a swig of your favorite beer you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit. - One point to Pussy

5. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten Pussies in one
night and you don't want to drive anywhere. - One point to Pussy

6. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you eat any Pussy in public, you become a legend. - One point to Pussy

7 If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of Pussy he may buy you a beer. - One point to Pussy

8. You normally don't find old beer. - One point to BEER

9. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much Pussy and you'll think you've seen God. - One point to PUSSY

10. In most countries there's a tax on beer. - One point to PUSSY

11. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off - One
point to BEER

12. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or can.
- One point to BEER

13. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but eventually it settles
down. - One point to BEER

14. You always know how much beer is going to cost - One point to BEER

15. Beer doesn't have a mother - One point to BEER

16. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you've drank it - One point to BEER


FINAL SCORE:
BEER 9
PUSSY 7

That's it! The matter is settled, the clear winner is: BEER

PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or
discriminated, just remember that Beer would experience none of those feelings, let alone express them. -An extra point for BEER

[webcrawler]

THE HUSBAND STORE


A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance
is a description of how the store operates.

"You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the
attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular
floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down
except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men
have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love
kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids,
and are extremely good looking. "Wow, " she thinks, but feels compelled
to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men
have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the
housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men
have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework,
have a strong romantic streak and are named Tony.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the
sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31, 456, 012 to this floor. There are
no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

[Anonymous]

On 2006-01-27 21:17:00, webcrawler wrote:

"Beer vs. Pussy





1 Beer is always wet. Pussy needs a little work. - One point to BEER



2. Warm beer tastes awful. - One point to Pussy



3. A really cold beer is satisfying. - One point to BEER



4. If after taking a swig of your favorite beer you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit. - One point to Pussy



5. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten Pussies in one

night and you don't want to drive anywhere. - One point to Pussy



6. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you eat any Pussy in public, you become a legend. - One point to Pussy



7 If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of Pussy he may buy you a beer. - One point to Pussy



8. You normally don't find old beer. - One point to BEER



9. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much Pussy and you'll think you've seen God. - One point to PUSSY



10. In most countries there's a tax on beer. - One point to PUSSY



11. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off - One

point to BEER



12. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or can.

- One point to BEER



13. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but eventually it settles

down. - One point to BEER



14. You always know how much beer is going to cost - One point to BEER



15. Beer doesn't have a mother - One point to BEER



16. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you've drank it - One point to BEER





FINAL SCORE:

BEER 9

PUSSY 7



That's it! The matter is settled, the clear winner is: BEER



PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or

discriminated, just remember that Beer would experience none of those feelings, let alone express them. -An extra point for BEER"

Thanks Webcrawler, I chuckled thru your entire joke....but what I really like is to comingle pussy and beer.  I pour a cold beer into my wifes puss and I slurp it up.  One point for beer, one point for pussy.

[Anonymous]

On 2006-01-27 21:42:00, webcrawler wrote:

"THE HUSBAND STORE





A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a

woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance

is a description of how the store operates.



"You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the

attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular

floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down

except to exit the building!"



So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.



On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men

have jobs.



The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love

kids.



The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids,

and are extremely good looking. "Wow, " she thinks, but feels compelled

to keep going.



She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men

have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the

housework.



"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"



Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men

have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework,

have a strong romantic streak and are named Tony.



She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the

sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31, 456, 012 to this floor. There are

no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are

impossible to please.



Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store."

amen!!!

[webcrawler]

Thanks Webcrawler, I chuckled thru your entire joke....but what I really like is to comingle pussy and beer.  I pour a cold beer into my wifes puss and I slurp it up.  One point for beer, one point for pussy.



"

You sound like a great husband  :tup:

[webcrawler]

This is just WRONG!!! (((LOL)))
 
Body: Body: taken from trout's illustrious magazine "baboon of sickness" http://www.baboonofsickness.com go ahead. copy and repost. you know you want to...


so this is your first time visiting detroit. here you will discover that most of what you fear is true! our city is laced with abandoned buildings, crack whores, and insane homeless bums that will slit your fucking throat for the change in your pockets. the surrounding cities will probably be where you spend most of your time so we've provided this guide to "safer" environmenats for you, the visitor.

HIGHLAND PARK_

highland park is located on the outskirts of detroit... so there is no point hanging out there. sure they have miley miley's shrimp shack but is it really worth being shot in the face by a 14 year old? oh, and they have a decent porno shop on woodward right before 7 mile. our advice... keep driving.

FERNDALE_

lots of bars and restaurants and even more homos! if you like balls dancing on your face and hot-waxed man-ass then you're in shangri-la! ferndale also contains one of the largest communities of stinky pseudo-hippy college dropouts so if you are allergic to the smell of patchouli stay away. once again just so you know... this place is fag city.

HAZEL PARK_

considered by many to be the "asshole of oakland county" hazel park contains absolutely nothing to do. as you pass through hazel park you will marvel at the amount of dirty unattended children and washing machines on front porches. beware of the nocturnal army of stray dogs that patrol the city.

MADISON HEIGHTS_

madison heights is home to people who once lived in hazel park but are "moving up". madison heights contains a 24 hour macdonalds and 65 tanning salons. if you get drunk, pass out and wake up at a house that has a boat, truck and 3 tires on the front lawn you are in madison heights.

ROYAL OAK_

a tourist paradise. drunken first year college girls giving out blowjobs like confetti. 21 year old frat boys standing by starbucks throwing up sushi and jagermeister. more silk shirts and white baseball hats than stars in the galaxy and soccer moms giving handjobs in every parking lot. welcome to the new sodom and gomorrah.

BIRMINGHAM_

if you have a bmw, $2000 you dont mind spending on drunk, rich women with fake boobs and don't mind hanging out with 55 year old middle management, former highschool quarterbacks who high-five each other everytime someone says, "RED WINGS!" then this is your home sweet home... and you deserve it.

[Anonymous]

How many straightlings does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

"It takes 50,000 straightlings to screw in a lightbulb, and another someodd 10,000 staffers.

One to screw it in, the other 499,000 to fuck, suck, lick, and generally sodomize and incestualize each other; pissing, scatting, rusty trumpeting, dirty sanchezing, flute slurpeling, pussy scatting, cocksmoking, cumming, kicking, confronting, marathoning, felating, puking violently, punching, spitting, felching, farting and just generally hurting one another while the one poor fucker tries to get the lightbulb in. I forgot to mention that the paid staff has to get involved in all of this while the one straightling is screwing in the lightbulb."

[dragonfly]