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« on: January 21, 2010, 08:04:59 AM »
32 years have now passed, January 21st 1978, was my initial intake into Straight Inc.
---Warning--- The following post is lengthy, wordy, long winded, there are 2500+ words. Haven’t the rime to read now? Then don’t read them now. If you have read other lengthy post by myself, and found them to be drool and uninformative, stop reading now. If you are willing to sift thru the words and see if there is any relevance to your experience…read on! ----End Warning---
Friends, and Those I have yet to meet:
A topic has circulated my thought stream for a few weeks now. The topic is not new. The topic has been an undercurrent in many of my own writings, and as I have read other’s efforts over the years, I see the familiar undercurrents woven like a tapestry. Although the words change, the palpable presence of this (once recognized) can be witnessed and experienced.
Often, as we uncover the experiences of the past (or emerge on their own) , there is a sense of singularity, as if we as individuals are exclusively experiencing the memories of the past, or, are experiencing the effects of the past. For those that contribute to the forum, the room, the site and or the message board, there is a degree of vulnerability experienced. In the past I have described this vulnerability as exposing my throat and handing you, the reader, a razor sharp knife. Happily, I have not had many experiences where readers have taken that knife and held it to my vulnerable throat. Although there is no small degree of relief associated with this realization, there is a sense of emptiness when the characters on the screen illicit no response from others that are sure to understand.
Another facet to this experience of divulging personal experience, so sensitive to the individual, is when someone steps up to the plate and says something to the effect of “Yeah, I understand”. These simplistic three words create what has been dubbed as VALIDATION.
This term, VALIDATION, to make valid, to substantiate, to confirm, authenticate and or verify ones experience, has shown to be a most valuable comfort to the feelings of vulnerability. Reliving our experience thru our own memories, is one thing. Perhaps a valuable necessity for ones own sense of “rebuilding oneself”. Or even while quite literally piecing together fragmented memories and making every attempt at making sense of our youth. When we place our finger tips to our respective keyboards, I believe there is a hidden or unacknowledged need to understand, and to be understood. On the other hand, perhaps these needs are not hidden to the writer, but painfully obvious.
By far, my greatest experience with this so called VALIDATION is actually meeting with other Survivors in a face to face situation. Opportunity, if not fate, has afforded me this experience on more than a few occasions. I am not sure I can adequately express the impact of such an experience. The experience of VALIDATION, in my experience is one that is equally shared between two or more individuals. That is, for the one feeling “alone”, the experience is shared. The experience is extremely powerful and long lasting. Undoubtedly leaving an impression with the one experiencing the VALIDATION for a significant period of time.
As in nature, there is an equally powerful experience that opposes the sense of VALIDATION. I have settled on the word, DISCREDADATION or simply, DISCREDIT. That is, refusing to accept as true or accurate, to disbelieve. Taking this one step further, an attempt to cause disbelief in the accuracy or authority of ones own experience. Ultimately depriving one of good repute, to disgrace, as in personal attacks to DISCREDIT one with different experience than ones own.
Categorically, these two terms are mutually exclusive. The two terms cancel each other out, in essence making the other null and void by nature of their definition.
In ones effort to seek VALIDATION, there is an effort (consciously or unconsciously) to DISCREDIT another’s experience. As this unfolds, the effort to DISCREDIT another’s experience, the VALIDATION (which I believe we all seek) remains allusive. In this effort to DISCREDIT another, we further alienate ourselves further from VALIDATION, thus inhibiting further understanding. What begins as an effort to come to some semblance of peace, can quickly escalate to overt hostility.
The result of this juggernaut, is a sense of being “apart from” rather than being “a part of”. A sense of being excluded, rather than being included. Ultimately, I am coming to see that this is disastrous, as an effort at resolution. A cancerous ambiguity settles in and discourages us from further efforts of understanding. What can be more devastating? Who among us can see the future effects of this line of thinking? Does it mean another 20 years of burying and denying the existence of the 800lb gorilla that faces us daily in the mirror?
I have rung the bell for VALIDATION for sometime now, as if it were the end all. Mistakenly thinking, this is the ultimate solution to coming to peace and acceptance of that which nags incessantly at so many of our souls.
The word “mistakenly” was chosen because, I have come to see it is incomplete as a means to understanding. By nature of the word, VALIDATION, we unknowingly or consciously DISCREDIT those with differing experience. Just the opposite seems glaringly obvious, when we DISCREDIT another beings experience, we put further distance between us, as individuals, to the ultimate goal of understanding and “healing”.
Also, what I see as natural, is often lumped into a common saying of, “Birds of a feather, flock together”. I think to be accurate and obvious. In a recent dialogue with another Survivor I made reference to three separate schools of thought, or three camps of thought.
A) The Pro-Straight Inc. Camp
B) The Anti-Straight Inc. Camp
C) The Camp that reflects on benefits and horrors of Straight Inc. equally.
The Pro & Anti Straight Inc. Camps of thought seemingly appear to be the predominating Schools of thought and bring about the largest degree of debate. Often with stringent antagonism towards the opposing School of Thought. One can not help but to see this in most any site/forum/message board. One side strongly defending its viewpoint while aggressively discounting the experience of the opposing camp and vice-versa.
The attempts made by either/both sides are viciously defending and attacking one another in attempt towards the VALIDATION of it’s own experience. The friction between the two generates tremendous animosity towards one another, resulting in bitterness, infuriation, hatred and a environment of hostility that is not suitable for the thin skinned. Once again this behavior further excludes the silent, possibly the majority of those in the lesser known of the three schools of thought, whom I will call the, ”Moderates” for lack of a better term.
The self proclaimed Anti-Straight and the Pro-Straight camps create such an atmosphere that the “Moderates” are often over ridden, over looked and all to often swept aside, intentionally, or more likely in a blind calloused manner. The efforts of both the Pro & Anti Straight camps in their alarming effort to be “right”, often neglect to consider the emotional welfare of those in the “Moderate Camp”. Ultimately refuting and dismissing them, along with their experience, without so much as a word.
In light of this observation, I feel the need to ask the question, Who in the hell do we think we are? For those in the Anti-Straight Camp, who expound and pontificate upon the injustices of Straight Inc, does the inconsideration of another’s emotional welfare justify and give a clear example of how we should treat one another? For those in the Pro-Straight Camp, does this insensitivity reflect the values of what is held in such high esteem? Shame on us!
This is not an effort to chastise or criticize any particular school of thought. This is being written in an effort to bring peace and civility to our community. This is being written with the intent of laying aside our differences. If not completely, then to a point where we can respectfully agree, to disagree and perhaps closer to a mutual respect for one another.
Today, it will 32 years since I walked thru the doors of the Milton Roy Building in St. Petersburg Florida, January 21st, 1978. In many ways it seems as if time has simply slipped thru my fingers. On the other hand, it seems as if the 32 years has been a long tumultuous endeavor.
For several of those 32 years I have been active in these “places”, various sites, message boards etc. In that time, I have run the full spectrum of emotions and I have met many wonderful people as well as locked horns with several along the way.
But I have grown tired. Mentally, physically and most certainly emotionally. Yet, I continue. Why? When every fiber of my being screams for refuge and solace, I am still reading, I am still engaging and should we have another “gathering” I am still going. But why? My health record already indicates one heart attack. I have already lost one marriage and another at risk because of my involvement in these “places”, and here I sit with my fingers furiously pounding on my keyboard as if my life depended on it. But why?
Why, why, why?
What else can I do? Where else can I go? Who else can I talk with? Who else would understand? Nothing! No where! No one! No body!
It was a cold shock, realizing that those whom I feared, despised and distrusted the most, are the same ones I now need the most. There is no other place for me to go. There are no others I can talk with. Certainly, there are no others that can understand. And so, there is nothing else I can do.
Once I had my first experience with VALIDATION, I think I knew what is in the preceding paragraph, to be true. Once I experienced the DISCREDITATION, I mean really experienced it to my core, not only was the above paragraph true, but I found it to be fact. I found after this DISCREDATION of another survivor to be one of the most painful experiences of my life. So much so that my wife found me in our front yard at 2am sobbing uncontrollably just before Christmas.
I experienced such vile hatred and targeted one individual with a viciousness I haven’t experienced in such a long time that I was in a state of shock. How could I be “healing” when I experienced such pain? How could I be at Peace, with such a cauldron of HATE simmering so close to the surface? I sobbed knowing full well the capacity for such rage was still well within my grasp. Me, a grown ass man, 32 years after Straight Inc, talking of “healing” and “peace”, but attacking someone who had the audacity, to simply have a different experience in Straight Inc. than my own.
VALIDATION had betrayed me! (at minimum I had accepted the concept and not considered another side to the coin) I will leave the sites! I will leave and find other pursuits! The mind was quick to lay out detailed instructions. But something saw thru the attempts at further self-deception. It was the moment of disillusionment. Good word, but a horrible experience this…disillusionment! I had 31+ years after Straight Inc and a good quarter century coping with the experience and then in an instant be taken out at the knees by my own actions. WTF?
All my years, searching, looking, asking, probing, growing, learning, being, and coming to grips with it all…poof…gone…in a mouse click I destroyed everything I had strived for. To describe it as a “shitty moment”, is the understatement of the year (2009).
The disillusionment was not quite complete. What I thought I had lost, hadn’t actually been lost. That ¼ century of time and effort simply was the foundation of this understanding. I had to accept there was more to the story of Straight Inc than I gave myself credit for understanding. I realized that to support my sense of VALIDATION I had to accept my experience was my own experience. Even though I had the support of good folks that had similar experiences. That VALIDATION could not be completely supported by my lopsided opinion.
Blasphemy!!!
Treason!!
Heretic!
The sudden shift in thought threw these words, and more at me. No one actually used these words, but they echoed thru my skull. Fear of rejection, fear of not being understood, fear of being shot down and the process of thought was/is not even complete. To complicate the issue, there is a compulsion to write about it. Generating more exposure to what obviously is still a fresh wound without so much as a scab to offer protection!
Well, today is the day that subconsciously, I have been less than happy to welcome. And I wonder if any progress has been made on a personal level. When I look at the masses of people in these rooms/boards, I ask myself the same questions. Have we, collectively come any closer to the “healing” I have written about so many times before. There is a tendency to be cynical , and believe my answer would be no, no we haven’t. And yet, I can not rely on my own experience and think others have had similar experience. In short, I can not trust my own insights, and it is presumptuous to think others have not “healed” to one degree or another.
32 years now, 25 of which has been devoted to this “healing”. Have I come closer to that goal? Do I have a firm grip on the effects of Straight Inc? How much of the indoctrinations still have an influence on my day to day life? Has the VALIDATION been anything more than a sense of unity, familiarity and security? Has VALIDATION blinded me in someway that I have neglected to take others accounts into consideration? Or is it predictable as a growing experience, to find what works, then what works better, to ultimately what works best?
Many, many questions. Answers are few and far between. Each day I have to simply place one foot in front of the other and keep walking, keep stepping. Sometimes, there is a bit of side stepping, others, well, there are steps backwards. I suspect, what is most important is that I simply continue moving, do the best I can. Meet and welcome people with whom I have similar experience and not to rule out those who had differing experience. Maybe take it one notch further, to embrace those with differing experience equally with those I have similar experience. This wont be easy. I suspect, as in the past I won’t have a graceful experience and there will be further turmoil. If the goal is “healing”, there will undoubtedly be a price to pay. And who knows, as the lyrics of The WHO from the song “The Seeker” says: ’I won’t get what I am after till the day I die’. But in the mean time, I can have a more peaceful existence with those whom I come into contact with, whether their experience is similar or not so similar, just keeping in mind, they to have had the Straight Inc experience.
I wish you all Peace
I wish you all Much Healing
Woof
Aka: dave
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