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Messages - maruska

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31
The Troubled Teen Industry / Re: does residential really help and which one is good
« on: June 09, 2010, 08:37:22 AM »
I could never perform surgery or anything like that...I am not a doctor.

But I am a parent and everything on your list was my "job description" :)

I am surprised ...do your really think you would not be able to  do the same?

32
The Troubled Teen Industry / Re: does residential really help and which one is good
« on: June 09, 2010, 06:47:03 AM »
Quote from: "Whooter"
Quote from: "Paul St. John"
Just out of curiosity Whooter.. How do these therapeutic boarding schools go about instilling self-esteem, in the participants.  I am not trying to be challenging, here, necessarily.  I would like to have more facts, upon which to base my own judgments?

What is the practiced theory, methodology, etc., as relates to facilitating the development of self-esteem, in young individuals?

Paul

Okay I'll give it a shot.

Just talking out loud here:

I really don’t know the nuts and bolts of what they did at ASR but I can tell you  that my daughter learned how to appreciate a compliment without sidestepping the feeling.  She got to a point prior to her placement where she would change the subject if she was complimented on something she did, which was a red flag for me.  Ever since she smiles and accepts it.

She was taught that she was not a victim and should not play that part and that failure was not a conclusion which defined her.  It was an opportunity to see a path that was followed once but she had the power to chose another path and she did.

They taught her to change the way she thought about herself and to try to avoid negative thoughts.

She was tutored and taught how to study and make herself successful and get good grades.

They helped her to set short and well defined goals and they celebrated each time she reached a milestone.

They taught her great listening skills which helped her and I communicate so much better.. (she taught me a thing or two in this area, lol).

I think the most important thing is they taught her to love herself for who she was.  If she wanted to work at Walmart and get an apartment and a dog then that was great.  If she wanted to go to college that was good too.

She learned to accept the path which led her to ASR and not feel guilty or dwell on circumstances which are in the past.

She expected to be treated well by others and wouldn’t accept being stepped on by friends, (this was great to watch)

She was on top of the world when she graduated and continues to do well today.  

I hope this helps.



...


That is great! And interesting to read. But, why did YOU not teach her that?  I see nothing in your list that would not be not possible to achieve at home.....
I really do not get it....

33
CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / Re: RMA staff I remember from RMA, you post yours from CEDU
« on: June 09, 2010, 05:14:16 AM »
Quote from: "Whooter"
Quote from: "maruska"
Quote from: "Whooter"
Quote from: "maruska"
Ok, I apologize, Whoother, I should have not be so blunt with you. It is always such a sensitive topic,when it comes to our own children .
I just want to tell you this: my daughter put us through hell...in comparisson to your daughter she is a spitfire:) Yet we never, in a million years would consider to drop the ball and let anybody else raise her....

It is probably a cultural difference. And maybe that is the reason we do not have such schools and programs in our country. We do need them.

Thankfully You didnt have to raise an at-risk child.

I dont think it is a cultural difference at all, Maruska.  Many people in American look for solutions and seek help where needed.  If we cannot solve our problems within the family we look outside the home for support.  If it doesn't exist then we invent it.  I am sure you have kids living on the streets, entering prison and not contributing to society in your country.



...


And you know this how? Do you want to compare notes whose daughter was more at risk? LOL

I know you do not want to hear that , but it is possible to raise children without this industry. And succesfully.
Otherwise all European teenagers would be dead or in jail...they are not, trust me on that:)


Oh, no doubt, Maruska.  Approx. 99.999% of our teenagers are raised without the help of programs and we do a good job here.   You have kids in Europe who are living in the streets, in jail and who have died from drugs, neglect etc. like most other countries.  So your raising kids at home method (without the help of the industry) is not 100% successful.  I think we can agree there anyway.



...

Are you saying that you do not have kids who are living in the streets, in jail and who have died from drugs, neglect etc ? Really?
I think you mentioned somewhere here on Fornits the number of children living in the street in the USA, and it was a shocking high number.

So ...I really do not understand where are you going with this?

34
CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / Re: RMA staff I remember from RMA, you post yours from CEDU
« on: June 08, 2010, 05:02:21 PM »
:twofinger:


How did you come to the conclusion that I was in a program?!?


You must be confusing me with someone:)

35
CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / Re: RMA staff I remember from RMA, you post yours from CEDU
« on: June 08, 2010, 04:46:33 PM »
Quote from: "DannyB II"
Quote
Quote from: "maruska"
I think this is how you view parenting, Whooter...not every parent sees parenting like that...


I would really like to know: where was the breaking point  for you? When did you decide, that your parenting did not work and you have to send your daughter to a program?

If you asked your parents Maruska you would have a more realistic answer, then come back and tell us.

danny


Ask my parents?  Confusing...what do my parents to do with this?

36
CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / Re: RMA staff I remember from RMA, you post yours from CEDU
« on: June 08, 2010, 04:38:49 PM »
Quote from: "Whooter"
Quote from: "maruska"
Ok, I apologize, Whoother, I should have not be so blunt with you. It is always such a sensitive topic,when it comes to our own children .
I just want to tell you this: my daughter put us through hell...in comparisson to your daughter she is a spitfire:) Yet we never, in a million years would consider to drop the ball and let anybody else raise her....

It is probably a cultural difference. And maybe that is the reason we do not have such schools and programs in our country. We do need them.

Thankfully You didnt have to raise an at-risk child.

I dont think it is a cultural difference at all, Maruska.  Many people in American look for solutions and seek help where needed.  If we cannot solve our problems within the family we look outside the home for support.  If it doesn't exist then we invent it.  I am sure you have kids living on the streets, entering prison and not contributing to society in your country.



...


And you know this how? Do you want to compare notes whose daughter was more at risk? LOL

I know you do not want to hear that , but it is possible to raise children without this industry. And succesfully.
Otherwise all European teenagers would be dead or in jail...they are not, trust me on that:)

37
CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / Re: RMA staff I remember from RMA, you post yours from CEDU
« on: June 08, 2010, 11:38:06 AM »
Ok, I apologize, Whoother, I should have not be so blunt with you. It is always such a sensitive topic,when it comes to our own children .
I just want to tell you this: my daughter put us through hell...in comparisson to your daughter she is a spitfire:) Yet we never, in a million years would consider to drop the ball and let anybody else raise her....

It is probably a cultural difference. And maybe that is the reason we do not have such schools and programs in our country. We do need them.

38
CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / Re: RMA staff I remember from RMA, you post yours from CEDU
« on: June 08, 2010, 11:22:25 AM »
Quote from: "Whooter"
Quote from: "maruska"


Why did she refuse to go to school? How old was she at that time?

We really didn’t know.  We tried changing schools and had her schooled at home but she just lost interest.  She felt she couldn’t succeed or do well.  She didn’t feel like she was smart enough.

She was about 13, I think, when we first noticed her down turn.



...


Lost interest? at 13? LOL..many children HATE school at that age...that is quite normal ...many children say they do not want to go to school, they want to eat ice cream and watch TV and hang out with friends ...yet you are the father who says: get your little butt to school darling, because I say so! You know? Actually be dad!


Sorry, I do not want to say you did not have problems with your child,but I feel there must be much more to you story.I mean if that was your main reason for sending your daughter away, I feel really sorry for her...and you really should appologize to her !
Be honest: did you never doubt your desicion?

Why was your self esteem so low that you thought you could not handle your own child?

39
CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / Re: RMA staff I remember from RMA, you post yours from CEDU
« on: June 08, 2010, 10:35:20 AM »
Quote from: "Whooter"
Quote from: "maruska"
I think this is how you view parenting, Whooter...not every parent sees parenting like that...
Agreed  they don’t.  Each parent has a different approach, but the majority of parents agree on a common concept of parenting, protect the child's self esteem and allow them the room to grow into themselves and at the same time establish and enforce healthy boundaries.


Quote
I would really like to know: where was the breaking point for you? When did you decide, that your parenting did not work and you have to send your daughter to a program?
I would say the breaking point was when she decided that she didn’t want an education, felt she would fail and then ultimately refused to go to school.  We even had teachers come to the house to work with her.  She had a healthy self esteem her whole life and then suddenly it dropped off and she obviously needed help.  All our local options failed to bring her around.
She agreed to wilderness and then hesitantly agreed to ASR when faced with other realistic options.



...


Why did she refuse to go to school? How old was she at that time?

40
CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / Re: RMA staff I remember from RMA, you post yours from CEDU
« on: June 08, 2010, 05:18:09 AM »
I think this is how you view parenting, Whooter...not every parent sees parenting like that...


I would really like to know: where was the breaking point  for you? When did you decide, that your parenting did not work and you have to send your daughter to a program?

41
CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / Re: RMA staff I remember from RMA, you post yours from CEDU
« on: June 07, 2010, 11:24:38 AM »
Quote from: "Whooter"
Quote from: "Awake"


I'm going to treat this as a different conversation than the one we were previously discussing in which you thought you had logical responses to, Whooter.


As the start of a new topic , here, you are saying we can all agree that a program ( it's directors, owners) shouldn't make the child worse off than they already are.   Well to expound upon that concept, is it ethical to force someone through a process that will unquestionably make them different (good or bad depending on the perspective) than they were before?

Until  the person becomes an adult and can decide for themselves then it is our duty as parents to mold them and shape them and provide them with the tools to have a happy, long and successful life.   There child should not be asked .. it should be a process that the parents decide is best for them.


I

I never wanted  to "mold and shape" may children...I wanted to teach them my values, show them the world, show them the opportunities ,but I let them decide ...because in the end, it is their life, I do not own them....And they always had a say...sometimes my answer would be no and they had a hard time to accept it. Sometimes they did the opposite of I would hope and had to bear the consequences, but isn´t that a part of growing up? How else would they learn? How else would they become responsible for their own life, if you never give them the opportunity to decide? You cannot shelter them for 18 years of their life , you have to accept they will make mistakes. Hardest thing ever....

42
Psych Hospitals / Re: Four Winds Hospital in Katonah NY
« on: June 05, 2010, 04:56:13 PM »
Quote from: "DannyB II"
Quote from: "maruska"
Quote from: "sad"
Just heard from a patient that there's abusive treatment there. Anyone here been there and has seen it too?
I'd like to get myself admitted with some kind of device that can tape and record what goes on there and then proceed to file a lawsuit.


you mean, while your daughter is in the wilderness program?...I just imagine how your ex husband is going to use it at the custody battle: telling the judge you are not stable, you have problems on your own, because you were admitted...


By the way: who has custody of your daughter, and what kind (joint or sole legal?) That is very important in determining your next step...  

Is there any relative (grandparents, uncles etc) willing to help you in this situation?



 

Be careful with PAS allegations...some courts see it as a red flag...


Maruska thanks for your paranoid take on things, is that what happened in your divorce while your daughter was in treatment. Man, must have been a bummer to have so much going on in your life.
Now lets be concerned about sads life and put your projections on hold OK. I mean be concerned about real things not your imaginary scenarios. Is this what you do to all folks you want to help, flood them with your baggage.

Danny


LOL..Danny you are so funny! ( and I almost missed this party LOL)

Paranoid? Me? well...surprise, surprise:  there are actually people  in this world who are not divorced (married 21 years and counting) and who did not send their children to programs!

Now I wonder who is projecting? LOL

In any case , sad did not come back so it is irrelevant.

Have a great day, Danny  and thanks for the laugh!

43
The Troubled Teen Industry / Re: I knew a kid...
« on: June 04, 2010, 03:19:44 PM »
I could not agree with you more!
When I look at the students of the University where I work..well half of them would probably qualify for a program:)...maybe because it is a Performig arts university:))  
When I look at my own children, how they matured and how our relationship is getting better day by day...they know they can trust me, because I never betrayed their trust. That is a strong foundation.

Parents should realize that being a parent is not walk in a park, it is the hardest job ever. Sometimes you would be desperate, sometimes you would feel you are losing your child , but do not believe anybody can do a better job then you!
And the reward is priceless...

44
Psych Hospitals / Re: Four Winds Hospital in Katonah NY
« on: June 04, 2010, 02:59:43 PM »
Quote from: "sad"
Just heard from a patient that there's abusive treatment there. Anyone here been there and has seen it too?
I'd like to get myself admitted with some kind of device that can tape and record what goes on there and then proceed to file a lawsuit.


you mean, while your daughter is in the wilderness program?...I just imagine how your ex husband is going to use it at the custody battle: telling the judge you are not stable, you have problems on your own, because you were admitted...


By the way: who has custody of your daughter, and what kind (joint or sole legal?) That is very important in determining your next step...  

Is there any relative (grandparents, uncles etc) willing to help you in this situation?

Be careful with PAS allegations...some courts see it as a red flag...

45
Open Free for All / Re: Conduct Disorders again! No, it's not a troll.
« on: May 27, 2010, 11:26:22 AM »
I really wonder why people like this have children at all ?!? What kind of parent would not comfort a crying 7 year old ?!?

Oh wait...maybe a parent that will tell how "sending my child to program was the hardest thing I ever did" in a couple of years.


 :wall:

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