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Messages - Psianide

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1
CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / What is CEDU's contribution to your current situation?
« on: November 29, 2007, 12:34:42 AM »
Quote from: ""shanlea""
Various posters have shared that they have suffered PTSD years and years after CEDU.  Even posters who are "successful" in many areas say that CEDU has done serious harm to their relationships and has affected them in ways that still impact them today.



What I am trying to discern is how? How specifically has it affected you guys? How does the PTSD affect you and how do you trace it to CEDU?



I AM DEFINITELY NOT UNDERMINING ANYONE'S EXPERIENCE AT ALL.  I have been very forthcoming about what I think of CEDU.  I'm just trying to make sense of CEDU's impact on my life better and also other earlier events in my life.  Sometimes people articulate exactly what I'm feeling but didn't know how to express.



I know that when I split CEDU I was totally unprepared for the real world because I still thought in terms of the black and white rules, bans, and lingo of CEDU.  I was trying to "live in agreement" even though I split to get away from it.  I had a hard time with friends expecting them to be totally honest and living in accordance to CEDU's arbitarary set of values. All of this was TOTALLY unconscious.  Anyway, that is one example.  


Really difficult question, but I'll attempt to give a reader's digest version here.

I have a major, 2 year long, life and personality altering experience in my background that I don't trust, and that produces serious cognitive dissonance.  My self image, relationships, and outlook, have all been touched by the experience.   Added to that, there aren't many people who can relate to my experience; I feel privilaged to have one in my life who I'm close to.

Im avoiding the term PTSD here because it obscures the very organic and intuitive mechanism. You and I were snapped into and out of an intense, frightening and alien culture with no warning, and we assimilated it into our outlook on life. Its only called "trauma" because it exagerrated our defensive and survival mechanisms to the point where we use them in our daily lives in ways others don't.

When I got out of NWA I watched my back like mad. I tried to stay in agreement. I flipped the first time I kissed a girl, and I had propheet flashbacks when I heard neil diamond. I was acting strongly on a survival mechanism that no longer applied.  

The other side of this is that I made some behavoiral changes at cedu that helped me get along better with others. This was also part of my survival strategy as it helped me keep from getting chewed out in raps.

The necessity to use these survival strategies has dimmed with the stimuli that necessetated them in the first place, however, many of them remain to greater or lesser degrees.

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CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / Just one thing...
« on: November 28, 2007, 11:35:05 PM »
Sneak out of the dorms at night and set fire to the house, then dance naked around the flames.

I would do this in Summit, and tell them that I felt the need to let "me" out, and really go for broke and live life. My guess is that I would get sent to NIBH (formerly IBHI) and not do a day in prison.

 ::both::

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CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / BCA/NWA survivors: CEDU lingo wiki entry needs your help.
« on: November 27, 2007, 01:07:38 AM »
Posting some ascent specific terms now.  Anyone else who lingers here go through that?

4
CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / WHAT IS A RAP, ANYWAY?
« on: November 26, 2007, 11:59:40 PM »
A rap provides a safe place to resolve differences, and take care of your feelings - in theory at least.

In practice raps were the triweelky reeducation that kept the community afraid, submissive and assimilated. Raps were a power dynamic wherin the authorities would reestablish and retain thier dominance by verbally thrashing those who could be deemed weak, defiant or abnormal.

There was a councillor at NWA by the name of Lori Rist, who often liked to talk about how "you don't have to watch your back here" because NWA is safe. The contrasts she would draw between our former lives and the program were highly ironic, because watching our backs was exactly what all of us did all the time. There was an established forum there where any level of verbal agression was allowed - primate dominance displays without the brown spots on the walls.

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CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / BCA/NWA survivors: CEDU lingo wiki entry needs your help.
« on: November 26, 2007, 12:26:36 AM »
Quote from: ""try another castle""
thanks psi, and thanks for adding it to the wiki


No problem. I should be spending more quality time with that wiki than I have been anyway.  :D  ::armed::

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CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / BCA/NWA survivors: CEDU lingo wiki entry needs your help.
« on: November 25, 2007, 11:19:33 PM »
Teams were a system of organization applied to staff and students, which coexisted with the peer group and phase systems (phases applied to students only).

Teams were lead by a team leader and an assistant team leader, who were both senior staff members, and were composed of students and staff at different points of the program. Each team was therefor a cross section of the school. Teams were primarily used for dividing the school into large non - hierarchical units for purposes such as chores and activities.

At NWA in the late 90s there were three teams which were named for stellar formations: Polaris, Phoenix, and Orion, which were male only, female only, and coed respectively (though staff could be on any team regardless of gender).

---------------------------------------------------

Submitted. I had heard of tent restrictions, but don't remember seeing any.  Any chance this could be a confused reference to ascent?

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CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / Crucify
« on: November 25, 2007, 10:32:16 PM »
As of 98-00 they weren't using any tori amos in truth - values propheets. I think she was actually out of agreement. I hope they never changed that. One of my consolations about that place was that they usually never used any music in propheets that I wouldn't have gone out of my way to avoid in the first place. A lot of those songs still kick up some horrible memories.

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CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / The Food Thread: Running out, best/worst.
« on: November 21, 2007, 10:34:23 AM »
We had to be in challenge to drink coffee at NWA. I remember this pissing me off a lot and my always being out of agreement because I was getting coffee from upperschool friends and on visits. Tea was allowed to lower schoolers though.

Food worsts: smorg (leftover buffet), anything with the synthetic cheese substitute they used that browned but didn't melt (pizza was the worst offender). Blackened grilled cheese.

Food bests: ramen, taco bar, most sunday brunches they served (although the eggs always came as a solid block, and sometimes turned green).

9
CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / Leadership
« on: November 17, 2007, 02:32:38 AM »
Quote
Were you like the donkey in animal farm and kept to yourself?

I think this was the book I was rereading when I was put on bans from reading. And, unbelievably, there were no public copies of this important book. Was it unacceptable? Well, I tried to keep to myself, I was known to be on the "outside" in every activity that exist(ed)s, but by the end of the 30 MONTHS I was more interested in "leaving a legacy" and started to enjoy the god- like status of being in Summit.


This was the shit that fucking killed me, and ultimately saved me from ever being an earnest believer in the program.

On bans from reading, and no copies of animal farm!?

My friends and I had an out of agreement book ring for a long time, where we would all exchange reading material that we brought in that either 1) we smuggled in, or 2) the staff were too goddamn uneducated to recognize.  I had a friend who brought Thus Spoke Zarathustra back from a homevisit and it got through legitimately because none of the staff there knew who Nietsche was!  My first exposure to Nietsche as well as the Beat poets and William Burroughs happened at NWA.  I guess I have something to be thankful for.

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CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / Leadership
« on: November 17, 2007, 02:00:56 AM »
Quote
Quote
Were you a kapo for the screws?

?? I Dont know what that means

Actually, it's a mixed metaphor, because it is referencing two terms from different environments.

A Kapo is a concentration camp prisoner, usually either a criminal or a communist (green or red triangle.) who has been appointed by the commandants as a guard to keep the other prisoners in line. Most of them were brutal and as bad as the nazis were. It was incredibly rare for a jew or a homosexual to become a kapo, although there is a survivor book written by this one guy who was both, and was the only gay jewish prisoner to ever become a kapo at the camp. He was obviously nice to people and tried to steal food and supplies for everyone. (This is probably why people like that never became kapos.)

A screw is a prison guard. American term. "Turning someone in to the screws" meant that you snitched on another prisoner.

And no, I don't think anyone there was brutal like a kapo was, although a couple came close. Especially someone in my peer group. He was totally being groomed as power staff, but fortunately, he never went back, as far as I know.


Ok. my official answer is no then. I kept the agreements to whatever extent was necessary to keep the nazis off my own back.

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CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / Leadership
« on: November 15, 2007, 07:23:59 PM »
Were you a loud-mouthed rebel?

No, I went to a millitary program at one point so the self preservation instinct kicked in at Ascent.

Were you a kapo for the screws?

?? I Dont know what that means

Were you like the donkey in animal farm and kept to yourself? (Ever see a dead donkey?)

I think I got put on bans from being alone at one point

How far up the leadership ladder did you climb? and once you were up there, didya like it?

as far as I was compelled to climb by my program staff; sometimes I did enjoy it.

Were you part of student government?

I don't remember having this at NWA. maybe it was called something else?

Were you on a committee?

i was one of the guys who started fires in the pit. does that count? Oh right - - I ran chores for my team at one point - - thats what you are talking about right?

What was your attitude about pulling people up?

only my dorm subs in the dorm

Ratting?

sometimes - about certain things. I tacitly refused to aknowledge agreements that seemed anti-intellectual or against religion. I never refused to write a dirt list though.

Requesting for raps?

everyone did when I was at NWA. If you forgot you were on work assignment. Most people - myself included wrote down random names so that we were technically in line

Did you run someone's full-time or other kind of restriction?

no. I can't recall a student ever doing this when I was there

Did you support in a propheet or on an expedition?

several propheets

Did you ever make dorm head?

yup. they set me up with the worst rebels on campus so that they could hit me over the head when I failed to keep my dorm in line. my dorm was the worst one on campus, and I got put on indefinites with them for it

Did you go to leadership conferences?

???

Did you give parents' tours?

yup

Did you ever dream about becoming staff?

Fuck that!!!!!

I also went to parent conferences and helped Curtis Foster brainwash the "voyager parents" at one point.  And I was one of the people who did house around the pit before meals. Most of this sort of "leadership activity" was involuntarily assigned though (except supporting in propheets) was it voluntary at RMA in the late '80s - early 90s?

12
CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / sociopath / borderline / narcissist
« on: November 15, 2007, 06:42:51 PM »
Quote from: ""alia23""
why did they do this to us?

was it really just to make a buck?

a fucking buck.  our souls.  good trade.  14 years old.  lets eat them.


In the case of the management (Mel, the brown schools, etc.) i think the answer is clearly yes. In the case of most of the staff, I think either power/sadistic pleasure, or delusional good intensions.

I went the houses of Glenn Sutton and Lori Rist  while I was in, and they certainly weren't living large, even as team leader and program director. All the money our parents pumped into that system went straight to the top.  

Mel might have had his own dilusional christ complex (he was a cult member after all) but I think its more likely that he just wanted to play god, run a lot of peoples world view, and make lots of money in the process. What I can't figure is how he kept the staff brainwashed enough to stay loyal to him.

But I never met Mel or saw anyone intereract with him so this is all legend to me.

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CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / How many have been diagnosed with bi-polar or posttrama/
« on: November 15, 2007, 12:28:49 AM »
I was diagnosed with clinical depression pre-CEDU.

I haven't been to a therapist since I left that place.

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CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / sociopath / borderline / narcissist
« on: November 15, 2007, 12:11:04 AM »
Very insightful.

Yes, CEDU was quite adept at focusing our attention inward all the time and enforcing a solipsist  world view. Ex Cedu serial killers wouldn't surprise me either given the emphasis, although I tend to believe that a certain amount "nature" (ie heritable or developmental physiological abnormality) is necessary to produce one.

More commonly seen though, are ex-CEDU people who kill themselves, or overdose on drugs by accident.  My guess is that at most of us know at least one.  They used to talk a lot about this phenomenon when I was in... how some of us wouldn't be able to stay with our...(insert tool here)... and would inevitably die young.

Now I realize it was because the were programming us to become even more alienated from humanity than we were before.

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CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / Video.
« on: November 09, 2007, 12:37:05 AM »
Fucking creepy.

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