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Topics - NOT12NOW

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The Seed Discussion Forum / seed loosing it's power over me!
« on: January 19, 2007, 10:10:53 AM »
For most of my adult life I have had nightmares in which my parents were putting me back in the seed.  In these dreams, I have always been  desperate and helpless and despite the fact that as soon as I woke I knew what I dreamt was no real danger the nightmares left me shaken and often unable to get back to sleep but I've noticed a change in my seed dreams of late.  A few month ago I mentioned to my partner that I'd like to get to the point where I could remember during my dream that I was an adult now and that my parents did not have the power to commit me anymore.  Soon after my dreams started changing in subtle ways.   In a dream I had last week I had been re-admitted to the program. I was on my three nights and was still a teenager but I had an ally.  A man who knew I wanted to spend as little time there as was possible until I graduated.  He called and talked to the staff saying, I would be checking in with him instead of going to the seed sometimes then told me I had the day off.   I wasn't in any way suspicious of him. I had confidence that he was honestly covering for me.

Since then I have had several other seed dreams.  Dreams in which I try to help old friends who get sent into the program by warning them to keep a low profile.  Dreams in which I am in the program, going through the motions but with full knowledge that it's all bullshit, full knowledge that I am fooling them and feeling no fear.

I haven't had a dream yet were I realized I was an adult and could just walk out of the place but in my dream last night I chose clothing to wear to the seed in  my adult size not my twelve-year-old size.

I am getting there.  The seed is loosing its power over my psyche.  javascript:emoticon('8-)')

have any you who went though a wasp program read "Come Back?"  Thoughts?

The Seed Discussion Forum / what art said?
« on: July 26, 2006, 11:20:03 AM »
I remember art telling stories in group about the first seed but I don't remember what those stories were.  I am looking for what his story was more than what the actual facts were.  I remember something about locking a couple people in an apartment and staying with them all the time to stop them from drinking.  He told these stories all the time but I can't recall them. Does anyone else remember what he said about the seeds beginnings?  

Also, I know he said he stopped drinking with the help of AA but I don't remember any stories about rock bottom drunk days.  Does anyone else remember him telling such stories

The Seed Discussion Forum / First dates
« on: July 05, 2006, 07:07:00 PM »
I am wondering about other people?s experiences with returning to dating/relationships after the seed.  
I started a relationship with another grad after I had been out about a year.  Thinking we were granted with that special seedling wisdom made us believe our love was grander more meaningful than regular love between regular folks.   Conversely we were also fearful that our feelings for each other were a sign that we were fucked up.   We went out many times before we even admitted we were dating let alone kissed.  I remember wondering how it a first kiss could happen with out playing games- how I could indicate interest without flirting?  
Neither of us ever went to the seed after we graduated but still, we ran our relationship on seed principals, total honesty, constant scrutiny and regular confrontation. That coupled with our delusions of grandeur made our relationship a grand Opera.

The Seed Discussion Forum / the seed indeed
« on: February 13, 2006, 10:06:00 AM »
I was wondering.  Those of you, who sang that song to the tune of greensleeves--the seed indeed the version with, "and if you do your legs I'll break."  Did you sing that in open meetings in front of parents?

The Seed Discussion Forum / Fibro and others
« on: November 29, 2005, 09:31:00 PM »
Another post about this made me wonder, how many of us have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, CFIDs, or some other mysterios illnes.  I certianly think it's possible that the chronic stress and the rigid position caused some of my  chronic health problems.

The Seed Discussion Forum / Running Away
« on: November 22, 2005, 08:53:00 AM »
I thought about running away but never did it, Saw to many kids hauled back to the front I guess, and really how long can a twelve year old hide out in a friends attic.

This was, what I thought was my best plan.  The Cleveland seed had this long catacomb of rooms that must have been bedrooms when it was an orphanage.  As far as I had seen these rooms were only used for intake interviews so I thought it would probably be vacant; a twisting hallway that took up a whole wing of the building with little rooms on each side.   I thought if I asked to go to the bathroom then snuck down to that hallway I could hide in one of the last little rooms.  I figured when they discovered I was gone they would look outside not inside and I'd just wait it out till they gave up then I'd sneak out the side door when they had stopped the search.  I thought that by hiding in one of the last rooms I would even be pretty safe if they searched those rooms cause certainly they would be looking less closely by the last few rooms and I could hide behind the door.

I always wondered about the kids who had run away.  How they did it and what they did when they got away?how they got caught but of course kids who had run away never talked about it and I knew better than to ask.

So I am asking now.  Those of you who did run away, how did you do it, where did you go, and what happened in the end?

 Those of you who didn't still must sometimes have imagined it, what was your plan?

The Seed Discussion Forum / Out of Wak and others
« on: November 19, 2005, 06:53:00 PM »
I remember there were a lot of different terms we used for being fucked up and they all had slightly different meanings, like head out of wak -- the mistake of thinking you were doing so well that you started slipping toward drugginess. Example, I am so together I can listen to this old tie music and not be influenced (two days later; death, prison, or a mental institution and it's all because you listened to Dream Weaver.)
I remember getting in your head--basically just thinking, but I can't remember what the others ones were.  
Anyone else remember more of these labels and what they were supposed to mean.

The Seed Discussion Forum / Explain straight to me
« on: November 15, 2005, 08:48:00 AM »
I can see how straight grew out of the seed but it also seems, from what I've read, to have differed.  I want to understand those differences.
What were the stages of the program?
How long were people in the program?
How often were kids started over?
How common was physical abuse commited visibly in group?
Did you have raps?  
What were the rules?
Did they claim to be able to read your minds?
What does day zero mean?
What were monday and friday home days?

inquiring and empathetic ex-seedling

The Seed Discussion Forum / Talent In Cleveland
« on: October 20, 2005, 07:18:00 PM »
August of 76 marked some sort of anniversary for the Cleveland seed.   So one day the staff started throwing around ideas for a talent show to celebrate the event; it was one of their more spontaneous moments.

We came up with bunch of acts making fun of druggies.  I remember a group of guys singing fifties tunes, cigs rolled up in their sleeves, called the Grease, or something like that.  The planning of this event took up a whole rap.  I actually remember it as fun.  It was like the "before I came to the seed" part of the rap with a sense of humor.  Terry chose me to be in the tough chick girl group.  Including me was a joke was a joke in itself.   I wore a sign that said trainee.  

The rehearsal process was the happiest time I spent in the program. We lip-synced Teen Angel and Leader of The Pack.   Terry choreographed dance routines that we practiced in the basement or the unbelievably wide hall upstairs. Most importantly I spent less time sitting in raps.  It was great, go in, sit down, put up your hand but for just a little while till Terry or someone else calls you out for rehearsal.
Art came up to watch the show. we wore costumes that included jeans (don't know where we got that contraband.)   We rubbed dirt on the jeans and t-shirts, I think, someone might have had a leather jacket, we teased up each others hair and put on lots of black eye liner.   Waited for our entrance in the parking lot behind the gym-open meeting hall everyone was getting into character, talking trash, giving each other evil looks, pretending to threaten each other and all of a sudden I got scared like I was hanging with these girls on the street?I actually felt truly freaked for a moment. They were, after all, the oldest girls with the toughest pasts and I was the youngest.
The performance however was way fun.  We got a big laugh every time we revved our motorcycles-- butts facing the audience.   The rest of the show had me laughing all night.  I think Suzy did her squishy face, ?Can I come to your birthday party.? routine

Riding home that night, I found that my parents were horrified.  My mother said,? you looked just like your old druggy self up there."   My father said,? I don't want to see you looking like a druggy." They were clearly-- not pleased!
Still the seed seemed to think it had been funny.  We were laughing about it during lunch for days after, photos were passed around.  

The next big event was Christmas.  This time when the staff brought up the subject of planning a show for open meeting they each repeated the hope that it would be something really classy, " Something Art would enjoy."  The tone during the planning of that show was subdued; drastically different from the blowing off steam, tone I so enjoyed during the planning of the Anniversary talent show.  When anyone stood up with an idea for a silly act staff seemed shocked that any seedling would suggest such a crude thing when they themselves had tossed out ideas just as silly and crude a mere three months earlier.  

The Christmas show was mainly a live nativity acted out by seedlings while a staff member read the story.  I also, remember that, this show, my parents liked.  On the way home my parents kept talking about how amazing and wonderful it was to see the girl playing Mary looking so pure now in comparison to the hardened look she had when she was a newcomer.  "It was like a miracle," my mother said,? you?d never have known it was the same girl.?

It makes me wonder if parents complained about the earlier show.    The seed was, after all, in the business of making parents happy.

The Seed Discussion Forum / Why did cleveland branch close?
« on: October 19, 2005, 07:36:00 PM »
What happened that the program shut down and left town virtually over night?  I had graduated by then but I knew someone who had just gotten home when they closed.  They called him at home and graduated him over the phone the night they left town.  I also knew a graduate who had been in the day before, he said there had been no sign that they were planning on leaving.  
All I remember was a newspaper article one morning questioning their credentials.  They were gone before it hit the stands.

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