Fornits

Fornits Home for Wayward Web Fora
An open discussion about the troubled parent industry

Wow.  I really am grateful for the advise.
I realize how angry she is at her father and me for placing her in a treatment center.  I have explained that if it was wrong that I am deeply sorry.  But, I have also explained that I just did not know how else to help her.  We both cried.  

She just stopped to collect a few of her possessions.  I told her to keep her cell phone and that I would be glad to pay for her rx meds if she decides to stay on them.  She doesn't know where she is going to live.  She doesn't know how she will survive.  I assured her that the door is always open and that we love her very much.  I guess she has to work through this the best way she can.

But, still, my heart is broken.[ This Message was edited by: Truth Searcher on 2005-12-30 13:22 ]

I used to lurk around here some time ago.  Yes, I was an advocate of "programs".  We really thought she had turned the corner in terms of destructive behaviors post program.

She has been home for 6 months, and we are pretty much back to square one.

I have really changed my thinking about the efficacy of these places.  It would be very interesting to know the recidivism rate of kids who attend long term residential placements.

So, I'll be lurking once again.  Mostly to gain insight into the hearts and minds of troubled kids.  Maybe if I can understand her ... I can somehow help her.  And then again, maybe she is the only one who can help her ...

My daughter has been out of her program for about 2 months now.  It has been/continues to be a struggle for her.

Her biggest struggle has been the freedom to make her own decisions.  Initially, she would ask me "can I have a snack".  Now her biggest struggles (according to her report) is to avoid the drugs, smokes, etc. available to her.  And to not resort to self harm as a mechanism to cope.  It is very difficult to go from an "artificial" environment (where things are very controlled) to a real - out - in - world (where control needs to be internal) environment.

Yes, it is a huge adjustment.  Be supportive.  Be a good listener.  Expect relapses and struggles with correct thinking skills.  Your child will not come home "cured" (as I was led to believe).  Your child will come home (hopefully) with new skills to cope with what is a very difficult culture to grow up in.

IMHO.

My point is this:
There are so many stressors on children (which often leads to depression which often, according to the report, leads to suicidal ideations), in part, because there are so many stressors on the family.  I think our monies would be better applied to strengthening the family rather than than bureaucrats.  IMHO.

Well no surprise here. And what does our government do?  Throw more money at it. The study is released by those organizations that will financially benefit from it's own findings.  Hmmmmm..... conflict of interest?  Suicide prevention begins in the family.  Give the monies to families so that they can better afford health care, or allow a single mom to be a stay at home mom with her kids, or provide community mental health resources.

But instead, well, let big government get bigger.  And appropriate the funds to red tape and bureaucracy.  Oh, that will solve the problem for sure (<< sarcasm radar beeping off the screen).  Please.[ This Message was edited by: Truth Searcher on 2005-09-14 10:02 ]

OL~
I have to take exception to some of your observations.
First~ "I think that all this, all the parents, all the worries, all the frets, and all the, "My kid needs to be fixed." mentality boils down to pure hatred."  I have fretted, worried, and believed that my child needs some "fixing" (her thinking processes can be very skewed).  For example, her thinking that because she doesn't' look like Kate Moss or Paris Hilton, she is ugly and not of great worth is wrong thinking.  These types of thought processes require "fixing", or at very least consideration.  Of course I worry about my daughter. I love her and I want her to be happy and find contentment in life.  It is the furthest thing from pure hatred.  Hitler exhibited pure hatred for any person not of Aryan descent.  
Secondly~ You seem to not understand the idea of detachment.  Or tough love for that matter.  Allowing my child the dignity to make her own decisions, and then allowing those choices to bring whatever rewards or consequences is (IMHO) detachment.  If she chooses to do drugs again, and gets caught,gets arrested and is incarcerated by the juvenile system, that is her choice.  That does not mean that I don't love her, or grieve over here consequences with her; it simply means that I will not bail her out of her painful consequences (and of course there are exceptions).  I am not trying to force her to her lowest level so that she will crawling back and submit to me.  I am allowing her the freedom to make her own choices and to learn by them.  

I have always told my kids that there is nothing that they can do that will make me love them any more.  AND, there is nothing that they can ever do that will make me love them any less.  I love them because they are who they are, not because of what they do or don't do.

You are young (not said in a condescending manner mind you).  You have not parented.  And while you bring many good points to the discussion, until you parent, your perspective is that of a non-parent.  But, do not assume that all parents who practice detachment are motivated by pure hatred.  Some are actually motivated by pure love......

The odds of your kid landing up on welfare are much greater now than for us or our parents. That's just a fact. While we were all fixated on the disaster in NOLA, the Census Bureau released their latest economic findings. Turns out another 1.4 million Americans slipped down across the poverty line over the past couple of years.



Think about that. No, really think! I have young adult kids. They're struggling just to keep a car running, gassed up and insured so they can get to work to keep the damned car going so they can get to work.... And they're constantly getting shit about how it's all their fault, they're not trying hard enough

I think Ginger makes a VERY valid point.  My kids have had the unfortunate experience of growing up in a very affluent community.  I shudder to think what this has taught them in terms of expected living styles.  It is very unlikely that they will ever attain the level of financial security that they have come to accept as normal.  And for my daughter, I think our very anal academically geared school system sent her messages that she did not measure up.  And I think she has internalized the message that she will never measure up.  In hind sight, it is no wonder that she turned to drugs to cope as such an early age.  And it is not just the community that they grew up in.  It is the entire culture.  It is the mass media message that tells girls you never look good enough.  You are never thin enough.  You never have enough of the right clothes.

Unfortunately, she did not have the maturity, or the strength to understand and process these messages for what they are.  Lies.  And I attribute alot of her struggles to these overt and covert messages.

We just moved to a rural, much less affluent small town.  She was amazed at how few kids had their own cars to drive to school.  She was amazed that juniors and seniors actually rode a bus to school (social suicide at her old school).  And she is amazed at how accepting the kids are of her less than mainstream style.

  Yes alot of pressure comes from parents.  But, alot comes from the culture too!  OK thats my $.02 worth.

Thanks for the wisdom.  

Antigen~ we actually did try homeschooling before she went to her TBS.  She hated it too.  She liked the freedom to learn according to her learning style, however, she really missed the social opportunities associated with a public school.  Our homeschooling groups in the area are rather..... conservative  :wink: ..... and she didn't quite fit that mold either.  I do think she highly intelligent and just does not get excited by lectures, text reading and worksheets.

Deborah~  thank you for sharing your son's experience.  This Gothic thing sprouted during her last few months of her TBS.  I was hoping when she returned to a more mainstream culture, that she would lose the chains and combat boots.  But, alas, she did not.  I find your perspectives about creating distance particularly interesting.  I just finished a great book called "Bodily Harm", and the author (who primarily treats self-mutilators) has a term that I really chewed on.  She calls mutilating, or the bag lady look, or the Gothic thing "Uglification".  She feels many youths cut and scar themselves to keep intimate relationships at bay.  She implies that the same may be true for kids who really dress outside of the mainstream.  My daughter does both.

So, anyway thanks.  I know a big part of my struggle with this is my own pride.  I know, it's immature, but it is true.  I have even gotten past caring how people in the mall or in general public react.  But, there are those in the extended family who aren't too accepting.   We live in a well to do, snobby, middle class town.  If your kid doesn't look like they stepped off the pages of American Eagle or the Gap, ya get some "inquiring" looks and comments....

Anyway, thanks again.  It helped to just be heard.
I need to continue to see the bright, talented, artistic kind kid that she is.  

[ This Message was edited by: Truth Searcher on 2005-09-08 10:39 ]