...uh... i'm kinda new around here n'all and as i 've been perusing the various postings, the last 2 days i see a lot of righteous indignation being expressed as well as some folks saying, well, you know just quit your bitchin' and move on and such, and that point is taken. living in the past is a form of self-delusion and only serves to perpetuate the injustice. However, the injustices committed against me were grievous and systematically intentional. the brainwash that i was forced into was intended to have a permanent grip on me and it does. Almost every day i struggle w/fear,anxiety and paranoia. I am hyper aware and hyper sensitive to the world around me. My skin was drastically thinned by my experience in straight. To survive in there i had to adapt to a cult-like intimacy. I learned to communicate in very specific terms. I learned to psycho-analyze everything in extreme detail. I learned to interpret the symptoms of psychological conditions in myself as well as others. i feel like i know too much, like a door has been opened that was better left shut. i have trouble dealing w/people who don't share the same sensitivities. it's extremely difficult for me to even keep a job. i feel like the friends that i still have from straight and i are on a whole 'nother level. i feel like i'm too honest but i don't know how to manage that kind of responsibility in the outside world. i'm fucked-up.
On the other hand these are the very skills which are cultivated by seekers of spiritual insight. People spend their whole lives trying to gain such awareness. My friend who was there in straight w/me and shares the same general prespective says it's a gift and i see that it is, but i feel like it's a real heavy weight to carry. Everything is so intense and dynamic, i feel everything so deeply. i'm touched, i'm blessed
At the same time i still harbor anger and resentment towards i'm not even sure who. it's just anger. i'm angry that i was held captive against my will for 2 years of my life and subjected to mind-control and psychological blackmail at such an impressionable age. So many things were taken from me that i can never get back. Friends were lost, time i should have had w/ my brother and sister, a normal high-school career; my right to self-determination was stolen from me and not just by some shady thief downtown but by an entire system of adults.
It's ironic but when i was growing up i learned to sing all kinds of patriotic songs in elementery school: "your a grand ol' flag, my country 'tis of thee" etc., and i was taught the pledge of allegience. As the son of a military officer i was taught that i should be glad i lived in America and not in the Soviet Union because in the Soviet Union people didn't have rights and weren't free. Citizens of that oppressive government could be arrested in secret by unkown operatives and taken away to secret prisons where they could be tortured and brainwashed and held indefinately. This is basically what happened to me right here in America. Now they want to know why i won't wave the flag. i say FUCK authority. Authority wants to keep you in fear and use you to perpetuate oppression. When people are just to one another and no longer treat each other as commodities or as a means to some end, real freedom will come to be and government will be obsolete.
O, don't get me started, i can go off....PEACE
:skull: -starry-eyed pirate :skull: [ This Message was edited by: agana on 2005-05-05 16:02 ]
