Treatment Abuse, Behavior Modification, Thought Reform > Mission Mountain School

so so confused

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Anonymous:
The actual reason why I came to this forum was because I had a feeling in my heart that MMS didn't do things as they should have-legally, morally. I was unsure of myself, but I knew after all these years I was still feeling anger towards that place. It was just a bad feeling I got  in my gut, you know...when something is not quite right. instinct.

I wanted to seek help, but first I wanted to see what others felt and thought about the school years after being there. For the most part I saw that most felt as I did-sad, angry, confused. While being at the school I felt the same way, but I did not speak about these emotions. I do not want to feel this way. I wish I did not have to feel this way toward the school, but I seriously cannot let go. This is not because I have some crazy blame problem or that I just want place my anger towards something, but because my mind won't allow me let go. Even in my dreams I still wonder around that campus, and feel scared, humiliated as I did back then.

My life is great now. I have a great family, but somehow that the stress of MMS still hold me back.How can I just make it go away? I came here to fulfill that wonder...but I find out that I might just be plainly insane because many claim that MMS was no trouble at all. I do not believe that those who are posting about bad experiences are posting out of hate, but just simply as a way to help themselves...understand where this is all coming from, but now I see that it is leaving everyone so confused as I am. Even though I am confused that instinct will not go away. That instinct that something was wrong/went wrong and I need to take a look at it.

So in all of that I think everyone should just back off a little because these posts are becoming too much, and now I sleep thinking about it all night. Let's not be so hyped about all this, and try to get some good night sleep.

Anonymous:
If you feel you need to talk about it with someone who understands then you should contact those who left an e-mail address. That way you don't have to listen to all the maddness and you can tell how you feel, finally. I think someone is going to set up a new forum for those who want to safely talk about their experiences. Perhaps talking about the experiences that haunt you with others who have been there and who, too, feel the way you do can help you to let it go. Good luck to you. It is sad that something like this can haunt girls for so long but after reading what has happened I can understand why. That does not mean it has to continue to haunt you. Maybe you can find a way to help other children. Just a thought.

jenf:
i had to reply to this, because i have the same experience of dreaming about mms, and i was there 10 years ago! it happens fairly frequently, and usually i dream that i am forced to go there and trapped there for some reason, even as an adult. it is haunting, and yet there is also a certain security i feel in being there despite the fact that all i want to do is leave. weird. anyway. just wanted to share that.

sarahf:
as much as i love mms and am grateful for my experience there.  i also have dreams of being sent back. usually in my dreams i am going to visit and they tell me i can't leave. i try to protest sighting my age, sobriety and success, but it still isn't enough.
i think that getting "locked up" is an incredibly traumatic experience, but i still don't think that it's the school's fault.
i don't have the dreams very often anymore. but when i do i wake up scared and sad. i left mms almost 10 years ago, but it still remains one of the defining times in my life. i think both the growth and the scars of that experience probably won't go away.
i'm not sure if that's good or bad.

katfish:
Sounds like PTSD from what I've read and what my doctor told me when I explained similar dreams about 8 years ago. I used to dream that i was taken back there and tried to run away and Mike was chasing me.  I had that one quite frequently and it was really scary.  I haven't had them in a long time now, but I've been talking about MMS probably more than anyone else for many years now-posting of forums and such. So I became conscious of many feeling I hade to deal with in order to continue to speak what I felt/thought and deal with attacks- I think that may have helped somewhat...

I do think that after 10 years, to have the dreams about MMS is indicative of the traumatic aspect of MMS, at PTSD suggests...I find it really curious that you still dream of MMS, Jen...Care to share what your feelings are about MMS on a conscious level?

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