When I was twelve I stated in a journal entry, ?I am not sure if I have a heart anymore.? I was so lost and in so much pain- When I was 15 I wrote after I was arrested and on probation- ?I sit here on my lonely bed in sympathetic silence waiting for change, love and happiness. When will things change into a fantastic path of choice is their anyone out there who cares I?m in the dark and I can?t see where I?m going a bright light here & there but fastly fades away like a poem.? ( Jan. 1998)
On May 15, 1998 I was sent to an assessment course and then shipped off to MMS. My family confused because they felt faulty unable to give me what I needed. They loved me undoubtedly, But they were incapapble of raising me. So they sent me to an institution where I could be raised.
I was told when I was 9 years old that my Mother had Huntingotns Disease ( a terminal, genetic, nuerological disease) I was also told that I had a 50% chance of inheriting the gene as well. Raised in a family with abuse, mental disease, alcoholism, I was definitely a nuerotic, lost child. I was taking care of my parents up until I left for Montana. And the only reason I survived those years was by drinking on a daily basis.
I could not stop drinking, I gave up on myself, you and god everyday, I sucked my Dad dry for everything he had left, I ignored the trembleing presence of my Mother and had her 6 feet under, and I diagnosed my self on a daily basis with everything in the books, including Huntingtons Disease.
"How Dark it is before the Dawn." Alcoholics Anonymous, (the Big Book)
I graduated from MMS in 2000. I will have 7 years of Sobriety on the 15th because I was loved for 2 years by people that genuinely cared about my best interest. I think that MMS has a lot of pros and alot of cons, like everything in life, there were some real negatives to my experience there, and some golden positive life changes that I wouldn't trade for anything.
Today I am a strong Women. Mission Mountain Shcool gave me a strong foundation to base my life on. I found myself with friends, I was helped in rebuilding my relationships with my family members, morals and values, and esteem.
I am a human living in a world, that is sometimesunkind . And MMS was an artificail institution that reflected both sides of the world not just the kind side. Life is life a process, and I get to live it, and feel eveything. I have anger about things still that happened years ago. The truth is that this website is posted with perceptions and feelings. I want to really pose to every one because I have had to do it myself what is your side of the street. I am not stupid, I went to MMS and I saw things that weren't okay but fucking A, I 'll walk outside my house right now and probable see lots of stuff that is "Not Okay."
I truely beleive that it is very important for everyone here to question their motives and their feelings, and their story. Life is not easy and I didn't get sent away to MMS because I needed a vacation. I saw no point to life any more and I wanted to die.
I deal with my life today and I owe a lot of that to my experience @ MMS. Life is not always attractive and in my life this has been the case a lot. I have been a care giver for my Mother since I graduated. This kind of unfairness happened in my life all the time, and the truth is that it happens for everyone. Life is filled with saddening, frightenting events, and love, joy and endless happiness as well, though nothing is gareenteed, even if you went to MMS.
To be honest, I have seen things in the last couple of years that blow John's Attack groups as you spoke on earlier that would blow that cooky concept right out of the water. John never attacked anybody. There was definate intimidation but hell I was intimidated by everything.
Life is life, and human beings are human beings, inevitable imperfect. Life has not gotten easier or harder because I went to MMS it=life never changed. The loving staff and girls @ MMS were the ones that taught me how to change.
I hope we can all find our truth and deal with it !
IT meaning LIFE!
Love and kindness
Hannah