I would like to start by simply asking each of you who take the time to read this post to imagine a hypothetical situation. I apologize in advance for the seemingly crude nature but it is the closest analogy that I could come up with. Please bear with me, there is a point that I believe needs to be made.
Two women are brutally raped. Both are stripped of their dignity, sense of security and are forever scarred by the experience. The first struggles against her assailant with all her strength but is overcome in the end. The second lies silent and motionless, hoping only that her compliance will bring this nightmare she is experiencing to a quick end and that she might live to see another day.
My question to each of you is who among you have the audacity to judge which of them is the greater victim?
For those of you who wear your ?mis-behaving?, cop-outs, and general non-conformity to the program as some demented badge of honor and seem to assert that you were the only ?true? victims of Straight, I ask you consider that others who acted in complete conformity, also just wanting the nightmare to end, to the SAME abusive tactics did so at an EQUALLY high price. A price that may not have been paid to the degree at which you suffered while actually in the program but one that has demanded payment each and every day that has followed.
I began searching out sites such as this one around two weeks ago in an effort to begin facing issues that have haunted me and drastically affected nearly every aspect of my life. Deep inside I?ve always known they were a product of my experience at Straight but have found the experience of remembering those days to painful to seem worthwhile. Thinking that maybe I was far enough removed from the experience that I could begin searching for answers I found myself here.
Though I have sincerely appreciated the comments, replies, and insight from many of your posts, the events of this past week (sleepless nights, nightmares when I have managed to fall asleep, loss of appetite, mental and physical exhaustion, fits of rage followed by extreme depression and most of all the feeling of being back in a group environment where one can reveal the deepest part of his or herself only to have their words twisted and turned against them, so reminiscent of Straight) I have decided it?s time to get back to the business of living my daily life with a focus on the future rather than the past.
To anyone new to facing the issues of your past concerning Straight and also new to these sites, I strongly advise you to PRECEDE WITH CAUTION!!!! Though I am certain that most of the people here and other related sites desire only to promote healing both in their lives and the lives of others, I am equally certain that there are those whose intentions are quite the opposite. The problem arises of trying to discern who is who and doing so is difficult, at best, in this context. The old saying stands true ? hurt people hurt people? though probably in most case unintentionally. It is just a result of throwing this many people together that have ALL suffered at the hands of abuse. I believe a safer environment, such as one on one therapy with an OBJECTIVE professional, is probably a better option for anyone in the beginning stages of coming to terms with such extremely deep, personal and emotional issues. This is simply MY opinion and what I have learned from this whole experience. Along with fifty cents it?ll buy you a coke but my intentions are to maybe save someone the pain and confusion that I have experienced over these past two weeks.
To those of you who plan to take Sembler head on, I pray for your success. I hope to be healed and whole enough one day to join you in the fight without it consuming me, something I do not believe I am capable of at this point.
This will be my final post. I pray God blesses each of you and grants you the truth, justice and most of all peace that you desire and deserve.
Sincerely,
Marc Shelton