As you've heard, the Pope died yesterday, and now there's a guessing game going on as to who will be his successor. Here's some little-known information on exactly how the new Pope will be chosen.
As you may know, the Roman Catholic Church is descended from what many anthropologists and historians refer to as "ithyphallic" Mediterranean cults. A distinguishing feature of these religions was that in depictions of male dieties, the greater the god's power, the greater his male sex organ was in the painting, statue, tapestry, etc. Look at a statue of Zeus and compare it to a statue of say, Hermes, and you will see the difference.
The Roman Catholic Church, true to it's roots in the Mediterranean world, has maintained this tradition, not only by having only male priests and pontiffs, but also in the selection process for their new Patriarch. The logic goes like this: If it takes a dick to transform wine and crackers into the blood and body of a 2000 year old dead Jew, then it takes a really big dick to actually lead the church and be infallible in matters of faith. That's right, the College of Cardinals are right now, as you read this, comparing their penis sizes. This is the way new Popes are chosen. The exception was Pope Joan, a female Pope who came to power in the Middle Ages, and she was stoned to death when she gave birth, revealing her true gender. Ever since, the Cardinals have lined up with measuring tape and gay porn in order to determine which of them is best suited to assume the office of the Pope.
And people wonder why they're so fond of buggering little boys.
