the steal that used to feel

[lookatmenowbitch]

not many people read my posts because of the fact that i dont yell and scream and my posts you must read to understand the next one, but i post them anyways just to get my thoughts and experiences out on the table:


i was once a golden curtain with softness to the touch and could be opened with a swiftness.
 I am now a unbreakable wall of steal. Those who try to penetrate its strength, shed the blood from their hands and go through battle trying to get in. They want to see inside. But what they dont and will never know is that there is a cold and unloving land that lies beyond those steal walls. And the golden curtain that had got laid behind the walls to be protected somehow got taken by someone who found a way to get in. I have made the walls stronger yet it is now protecting nothing except my hope that the golden curtain will be returned again.


I sit there watching the video to Beautiful" by christina Aguilera thinking only one thing...
why don't i seem to hear the words to what she is saying?
"you are beautiful, no matter what they say, words can't bring you down."
Words. That is all that can bring you down. and from my experience that is all that has brought me down.

Before i went to cedu i was at a group home in redding called 'victor youth'. I was unhappy at first ,yes, but i understood why i went there afterwards... I was helped. There I understood why i was held down. I was a very unsafe 13 year old who was unstable and couldnt keep her anger in control. I wouldn't have called it 'held down' there, because the hands that held me down loved me and told me this everyday. those hands were the hands of people who never broke me down just to see me cry, who didnt emotionally or even physically hurt me. Yes they did hold me down but only to keep me from hurting someone and did it only when necessary, and they did it so gently as if i was a baby.
After two weeks of leaving the group home, I thought I was on a cloud, hovering over the sadness I used to have. That is when i heard the news that I was leaving to go to a new school. I was confused and didnt understand what i did wrong. My mum and pops told me there was nothing wrong just that I needed a little more work to get better. I didnt get it. I was already gone for a year and a half! i mustve been dong something wrong. I was 14 by this time and it was september 2002.
The night before the morning i had to leave it was sept 4th and a beautiful night. I had just got off the phone with one of the staff at my last placement telling them that i was going to another place. they seemed worried for me, and they told me that they had heard about those places, that they werent like the group home. I told them not to worry and that i would have fun. I sat in bed thinking about everything, about my friends, about my parents. Thats when i thought about why they were sending me away. I realized i had no clue. they never really told me. oh well, i thought. maybe my life will be better there... If i had known that it would turn out like this I would have ran away the night before never having to deal with this amount of pain that i hold today.
SEPT 5th:
I got there and i did the whole deal with searching and the settling in. That night i sat and cried. On the couch I isolated myself and thought i would never see my parents again. people passed by and looked, yet kept walking. I thought i was being a baby crying like that. One girl walked by and stopped to ask what was wrong. I said i missed my parents and i didnt know why i was there. She looked at me with no sympathy in her eyes and said "you know why your here, dont play that game." she scoffed and mumbled 'stupid discovery' under her breath. I was so razzled and sad to care, so i continued to cry.

that was my first day.


thank you for reading if you did... there will be more... about more days and more history...


revenge is not a goal as much as it is a satisfaction of doing what was done to you.
                   - noelle

and for the top of my page:

The words of a human are more powerful in damage than any stick or stone that I have ever thrown.

                               - noelle

actions of a "damaged" child always come from the neglect of the careless parent.
                       
                           -noelle


ps...i want some of the people who actually read this to tell a story about a day in there life... first day or the 137th day...doesnt matter... or any in there life... ill listen...coz thats the only thing i can do.

[Roy]

That letter was the saddest and best I have ever read on fornits - Please read the letter below if you really want to understand why CEDU had to go.

Thank you for writing that letter
Thank you[ This Message was edited by: Roy on 2005-03-28 15:17 ]

[Antigen]

On 2005-03-28 14:19:00, lookatmenowbitch wrote:

"not many people read my posts

I think you're probably mistaken.

ps...i want some of the people who actually read this to tell a story about a day in there life... first day or the 137th day...doesnt matter... or any in there life... ill listen...coz thats the only thing i can do."

As days go, this was a stressful one. It started out a little rough and got much worse.

Slowly I came around to a couple of realizations. First thing I realized was that I was not in the Program anymore, it had only been a bad dream after all. Good! I was starting to get used to that. Next thing I realized was that I wasn't at home either, but on the couch in a shabby little apartment where there had been a party the night before. Next, I couldn't hold my beer and probably shouldn't drink in strange company EVER! Next that my mom was probably worried and so I should call her. Finally, that nobody had bothered me as I slept (thank GOD!) and that I still had time to get home, put on my stupid Arby's monkey suite and make it to my crappy new job on time. There was still hope of pulling this one out of the ditch.

So, with that much of a plan set, I went about putting it into action. Soon as I walked in the door, I realized that this was not going to be a good day at all. Mom and Dad had hidden all my clothes, just as they had done the night before they'd taken me to Straight two years prior. Only this time, I was a legal adult w/ a job (such as it was) and well on my way to making up for those two lost years of education. No way could this be happening again! But it was.

They wanted me to go for an "intake interview" at LIFE. They (lied) told me that if I would just go talk to them that they'd give me my uniform so that I could go to work. I told them there was no way I was going to sign in for another two years of that BS. But they were insistant. I knew they were lying, but I could see a deal forming, knew I could hold up my end and didn't think they had any intention of holding up theirs. It was a shot at something I hadn't been able to get before.

So I decided to see their brinksmanship and raise the anti. At the very worst, it couldn't get any worse.

So I got in the car w/ Mom and Dad and rode out to Osprey for about 2 hours of absolutely nothing different from the first intake "interview" at Straight, except that there was no "Dr." Newton. I still held out hope that they'd give up the cause and honor their agreement, but not much hope. I really was more expecting them to draw me that line in the sand so that I could step over it and be done w/ the whole ordeal for good and all.

Well, the moment finally came. Mom and Dad stepped back into the room and informed me that if I didn't sign zee paper right then that I could walk out the door and they weren't going to give me a ride home. Hearing that was like manna from Heaven! "Boy, tough decision", I said. "Hmm, two more years of bullshit or freedom on certain unambiguous terms.... Bye!"

I think my mom was really shocked when I got up to leave. I think she was going to try and stop me. I think she thought better of it because for the first time in my entire life I really might have raised a fist to her if she had. But she stepped aside and I walked by her feeling strangely lighthearted. All the anger and fear just drained from me in an instant, to be replaced by an unexpected and overwhelming sense of adventure.

I was free! I hadn't snuck out or run away or any such thing. I no longer resided in "their" house and it wasn't by my choice. There was no more ambiguity about that either. I owned this freedom. It was given to me in clear terms by my parents. It was precious! And I needed a better job FAST LOL. But that wasn't too hard to do, ya' know?

What is this new loyalty? It is, above all, conformity. It is the uncritical and unquestioning acceptance of America as it is. It rejects inquiry into the race question or socialized medicine or public housing, regards as heinous any challenge to what is called the system of private enterprise, identifying that system with Americanism. It abandons evolution, repudiates the once popular concept of progress, and regards America as a finished product, perfect and complete. The concept of loyalty as conformity is a false one. It is narrow and restrictive, denies freedom of thought and conscience... What do men know of loyalty who make a mockery of the Declaration of Independence and the Bill of Rights?
http://www.harvardsquarelibrary.org/unitarians/commager.html' target='_new'>Henry Steele Commager, 1947

[nightcrawler]

Thank you so much Noelle & Ginger for those heartfelt letters.
You just reinforced my belief that I'm on doing the right thing.
Hang in there Noelle, I know you'll make it.