I went to cedu from sept 2002 to june 2004. Pain I will certainly never get over and grudges on the people who have hurt me so.
I went a cold lonely sad 14 year old coked up 98 pound little girl...
I am now a cold lonely sad 17 year old drugged up with pain and grudge still in my heart, just waiting to be free and happy from the memories again, hating every single thing my parents do and taking control with them but nothing else in life, i live on my own and have no money, everyday i am called a slut at school because of nasty rumors, i am now more knowledgeable about my eating disorder and how to hide it very well, i cry every night and at random times and wish i was dead.
maybe this is all from the fact that i didnt "cope" with my pain and that i am not getting over the cedu memories.
all i know is i went in knowing nothing about anything harmful, and i came out knowing everything about the things i hide now today. I know to never cry when someone close hurts me.
I remember in raps how i sat across the room from the screaming demon who was my "friend" but who had turned her heart cold towards me because of the fact that i had gotten caught for something that she had been involved with and most of the kids in the room had been too. they knew i would say nothing. they knew i was a "softy" and would do nothing to hurt them or get them in trouble. instead, i took the blame of the plans to run away and get drugs. yes it was petty, wut i got caught for, but every rap i would get yelled at for something that i knew someone else was hiding in that same room that i was sitting in.
i was human, they were robot. and when they got caught... all of a sudden they were human again, and there they were asking for help on their restriction (after i had helped myself get off). and i, being a forgiving 14 year old, young and god damn stupid, said sure, ill help. indside i was crying out to people, "care about me."
After my first hospital visit, i came back, and was hoping to see the look on the staffs faces when they saw me again. thinking maybe they would forgive me of my terrible sins and care about me. no.
they sat me down in raps and i was the first to be started out with:
"so noelle, how was the visit? it went well i hope?" i looked at them confused as to why they said it calmly. i stupidly didnt hear the tone that they were using with me. i didnt understand the horrid things people would say to me from then on.
"good, actually i met alot of people. It seemed like they cared."
there was a silence in the room, in the corner i heard someone trying to hold in their laugh.
then the sick uncold words started to flow out from the mouths of, who i thought to be nice, people.
"cared? do you know really anyone who cares? i mean about you? do you have any idea what kind of crazy people go to places like that??? did you throw up there too? to get skinny for the boys? HA! you are a twig yes, ill admit that, but when you sit with the guys and flirt? they are disgusted by you!"
I sat with a hard face, trying not to cry. right then i knew thats exactly what they wanted.
When i refused to eat for a while i would not go to meals... i was put on "plate check" and was forced to eat or i would get my punishment...
*now for all you people who dont know anything about Eating disorders, this is the hardest thing for a person with it.)
I was weak going in, and i was extremely powerless and numb going out.
i have learned to fake my smiles and make everything better by keeping my mouth shut.
I get hurt everyday by people i care about, but i have learned to never tell what i really want to say.
My parents had expected me to be "fixed"
but now i am a hurt girl with intentions of revenge.
never send away something to be fixed when it was never broken in the first place
-noelle but couldve been someone else
