I remember my sister telling me, after a long stretch of sobriety in AA, that she "loved being drunk, loved passing out, loved the hangover." And I can believe it - she seems never to feel more alive than when there is a ton of drama. Even in sobriety, she seems to cycle thru periods of depression, then plateau, then mania, and back to depression. I think that is interesting. Perhaps for some of us, the self-flagellation in AA, the need to confess and repent, is just as addictive as drinking or using.
I am not judgemental about this...in my own experience, I had long cycles of depression, anxiety and mania, on a sub-clinical low level. 'Self-medicating' with alcohol and cigarettes, or more positively with exercise, was part of my routine, as was getting involved with dramatic romantic entanglements. Briefly I tried psychtrpic drugs, which had side effects during their use, but seemed to have 'reset' my emotional thermostat, if you will, so the anxiety and depression was much diminished. Or maybe it was just due to maturity?
I have also subscribed to the belief that if you try to be aware of your feelings in the moment, you will tend not to abuse drugs or alcohol, because you will fully experience the low as well as the high. So I can have two glasses of wine, without wanting to finish the bottle. And thank god, I stopped smoking!
But I, like many of us here, came from a family that had multiple generations of disfunction. I was operating on a model that I inherited from parents and grandparents, as well as a genetic predisposition for behavior and feelings.
Based upon my experiences of the last 46 years, I can only say that our experiences with drugs and alcohol as well as various paths to sobriety (or moderation) are very complex and have roots in our culture, families and genetics.
It is my belief that use of drugs and alcohol can reveal underlying emotional issues that people will need to deal with - I think an emotionally stable person can enjoy a drink or two, or marijuana or even acid, without ill effect and mayge with benefit of broadening their emotional experience (I feel less certain about heroin and nicotene, crack and meth - these seem to be very addictive when used, except the medical use in some applications).
Meanwhile, we have a very political and polarized national debate, and even here on fornits site, where one side bashes the other. As if we are all perfect in our sobriety, moderation or various addictons!
And when we speak about love - who among us even understands the word? We throw it around so casually.
So as usual, I am up on my high horse. I know nothing, really. I just want to stay happy and healthy for as long as I can, and enjoy the journey! (Oh my god, Art used to say that!)