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Author Topic: WIld women and manic men: How straight affected our adult c  (Read 4868 times)

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Offline Tampa survivor

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WIld women and manic men: How straight affected our adult c
« on: September 16, 2002, 12:20:00 AM »
Well, a post in another thread got me thinking.  Am I the only person who long( or short) after straight got involved with destructive relationships?  If so, what about ourselves was cracked to think that was the "best I could do".

I married a hard drinking, skinny, compulsive liar, psycho family  trailer skank.  I thought she was my dream come true.  I saw the good stuff.  I ignored the bad stuff.  I saw beauty.  She was a cheat.  I saw brains, she saw a sucker to use.

I choose this, and had three kids with her before getting my head together enough to see that I could do better, divorced her, and have seen her do it to other guys since then.  Hell, she'd done it before me too, but I had my blinders on too tight.

Anybody else??

Bill

[ This Message was edited by: Tampa survivor on 2002-09-15 21:22 ]
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Bill H
St Pete & Atlanta, never surrendered!
12/80-12/82

Offline Carmel

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WIld women and manic men: How straight affected our adult c
« Reply #1 on: September 16, 2002, 05:22:00 PM »
Hey now....dont be dissin us Wounded Birds.  We worked hard to be beaten, abused and molested...give us the credit we are due!

I am totally giving you a hard time.  Fact is we are all wounded birds in our own special ways.  Its how we deal with it and reflect it upon others that makes us.  God knows I have baggage but I try my damndest not to make someone I love carry it.  I however have been known to be Bell Boy from time to time.  Men can be what you might call Wounded Bears. :wink:

I actually had one bad realtionship and that was enough for me.  Learned my lesson about human nature and the reality of fidelity.  I am married now to a part-time Wounded Bear but very wonderful (and yes even sensitive) man.  We go to topless bars together, and oogle women.  Its great.  I have realized that marrige does not = loss of humanity.  Therefore you have to satisfy the urges in more healthy ways...ways that everyone can benefit from.  Jealous is not part of my vocabulary.
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Offline kaydeejaded

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WIld women and manic men: How straight affected our adult c
« Reply #2 on: September 16, 2002, 09:31:00 PM »
I really have been on a loser spree since the program. When I went in I was a virgin 14yrs now I am divorced from a convict had my ass whooped by another loser and am disfunctionally single at this present time, hmmmm straight??? could be
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Offline Tampa survivor

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WIld women and manic men: How straight affected our adult c
« Reply #3 on: September 17, 2002, 06:54:00 AM »
Oh yeah, the "we all have a past" thing.  I just thank goodness I pulled out.  My X is engaging, smart and pretty.  This is the same person described above as a #$%^.  Learning to differentiate the two has saved me from making that mistake again.
Dysfunctionally single?  My kids keep me busy, and if not dating or having a decent sex life is the price for staying out of the singles scene", I think it is a good deal.
BTW, having a sane, fun, healthy relationship for a year and a half was very validating.  
Bill
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Bill H
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Offline ladyjerrico

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WIld women and manic men: How straight affected our adult c
« Reply #4 on: September 17, 2002, 09:20:00 AM »
Sometimes it's best to not be with someone, after all, you never know what someone has or carrying (wheather it be health related or just "excess baggage").
I was married for 5 years and it was hell on earth. I'm with someone now who is compassionate, generous and loving, not to mention that he is very devoted, hope to stay with him for a long time.
As far as my X goes, he is married again, and God be with him because he needs to "humble" himself in the worst kind of way, sad really, he always thought he was right and loved to make his ego skyrocket by telling me that I'm wrong.
One good thing that came out of it I'm sure are your children, hope they are happy and well
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Offline MommaDebi

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WIld women and manic men: How straight affected our adult c
« Reply #5 on: September 17, 2002, 10:53:00 AM »
I think that many of the Survivors of the Seed or the Straight program lost the ability to distinquish between sick and twisted "love" and real "love".

I also had a first marriage that was very harmful to me. Of course I thought I could make it work, if only I tried really hard... so much for my ability to discern the difference.

I was vulnerable, separated from my family and there he was. Saying all those great things, I wanted so much to believe. Married him within 6 months..... then I realised what a disaster. I should have left in that first month, but I did not want to be a quitter!

Five years later, I discovered I was wife #5, not #2 as told. Found out he had a separate life I knew nothing about: had bought a man a wedding ring, had been using lots more drugs than the bit of pot I knew about,had been placing my infant in the care of a stranger while I was at work and he was "doing his thing".

I took my 3 month old son and ran away. Changed our names, following my divorce that gave him no visitation, and moved away.

I felt even more vulnerable. I kept to myself and raised my son. I dated rarely, but never let them meet my son, as I did not want him to see people come and go. Nobody slept in my home. I had been through many marriages with my mother as a child and knew first hand the damage that could do.

When he was 6 I met a man,Mike, dated for over a year before he ever met my son, dated for a total of 7 years before we married. Been married 5 years now and am very happy and lucky.

My son was asked before I was if Mike could marry me. Mike and my son love each other very much. My son (18 now) just started at New College, still comes by to see "Dad" and have him meet his new friends.  

My son has been searching for his "father" for over a year now. Needless to say, we never recieved any child support, or saw him. It is a nightmare for me! But I hope he finds him, I guess. I have never spoken badly about him. Especially,when my son was little.

People who tell their children horrible stories about their exspouse do a lot of damage to their children. It is important that the children feel good about themselves and it is hard to do so if 1/2 of you is being negatively spoken about.

Did not mean to run on so much. Sorry
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...every five years I look back on my life and have a good laugh...\" {Indigo Girls~~ \"The Watershed\"}

Offline Tampa survivor

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WIld women and manic men: How straight affected our adult c
« Reply #6 on: September 17, 2002, 10:25:00 PM »
Well said. I could feel damn near every point you made.
 Thanks Deb
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Bill H
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Offline quddusism

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WIld women and manic men: How straight affected our adult c
« Reply #7 on: September 18, 2002, 12:00:00 AM »
Our relationships are our responsability. As the old saying goes "water meets at the same level" who I wake up next to is a good indicator of where Im at.
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Offline MommaDebi

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WIld women and manic men: How straight affected our adult c
« Reply #8 on: September 18, 2002, 03:12:00 AM »
LOL...
Thankfully I am very happy when I awaken these days!! :smile:

[ This Message was edited by: MommaDebi on 2002-09-18 00:46 ]
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...every five years I look back on my life and have a good laugh...\" {Indigo Girls~~ \"The Watershed\"}

Offline ladyjerrico

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WIld women and manic men: How straight affected our adult c
« Reply #9 on: September 18, 2002, 09:07:00 AM »
LOL I wake up alone a lot of times (can't handle the snoring I get from my fiance) does that mean I love myself? LOL (just a pun there)
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Offline hedwigfan

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WIld women and manic men: How straight affected our adult c
« Reply #10 on: September 18, 2002, 11:02:00 AM »
I totally agree with not badmouthing your ex-spouse to the kids. My husband and I were divorced for 4 years from the time the boys were 2 until age 6. It was a little ugly between us at first, but we never allowed it to spill over to the boys. I think they actually experienced a "healthy divorce." Interestingly, we remarried each other in 1997. Didn't tell anyone, just went to the Justice of the Peace with the boys as our witnesses. Things are much better this time around and I'm grateful for my soulmate and my kids.
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ll this world is but a play
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Offline MommaDebi

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WIld women and manic men: How straight affected our adult c
« Reply #11 on: September 18, 2002, 11:56:00 AM »
Congrats!!
I too left my husband (fiance,at the time, called off the marriage...)) never said I did not love him, just that I refused to live the way he wanted me to.

We got counseling, and tried again 2 years later. We could not be happier. I think if people dwell on the negatives within a relationship....it becomes even more negative.
Best wishes
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...every five years I look back on my life and have a good laugh...\" {Indigo Girls~~ \"The Watershed\"}

Offline METALGOD8

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WIld women and manic men: How straight affected our adult c
« Reply #12 on: September 18, 2002, 01:29:00 PM »
Hey, I have been married 17 years, and I have just found out that my wife is intending to move a few hundred miles away with all the kids. They are 7 thru 17 and there's 6 of em. I was hoping that one day soon I would wake up from the nightmare this has become. I am perfectly willing to accept my responsibility for my actions MANY (10) years ago that most likely started this in motion. I would like to know why I think being married really means all that much these days. Seems like it may be considered too old fashioned for most people. Marriage is for life! I never threatened her life or beat her or screwed around with another woman etc... I did drink after work with the guys and I did some pretty low stuff like going with coworkers to Hooters on our anniversary needless to say, she got really mad at me...then that was pretty much the last straw I suppose. After complete geographical and employment relocation, etc, I stopped that kind of behavior, I just never went further I suppose. I am willing now, but she says "too late, you had your chance." I had hoped that my marriage was repairable and if I worked hard enough that my wife would give me another chance, or at least not move so far away with the kids. They are my kids to! I guess this is in the beginning of the end part for us. I can't stand the thought of her going, especially not now. Our kids are not even all grown up yet. Well, what do you do about the racing heart rates and the shaky hands? I have not ruled out becoming a complete hermit inside of a construction pipe somewhere, but back in reality, I really never expected this to happen this way. Now some other straight dude is involved helping her move away and I am having a friggin internal meltdown which is bound to become external at some point. I have been channeling a lot of this energy into playing music, but so far there is not enough music in me to match the shakes and 80 beat per minute pulse. I gather that there are many straighters out here that have been in failed marriages. 17 years is a long time and will never happen again. Does this sound like it's over? Can anyone relate? I feel like telling that guy that is trying to help to go fuck off, but that wouldn't be right. The master of disaster, MG8...
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Offline hedwigfan

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WIld women and manic men: How straight affected our adult c
« Reply #13 on: September 18, 2002, 08:57:00 PM »
MG8,
  Do your kids know about these plans? Have you guys ever been in marriage therapy? I understand much of what you're feeling--when my husband left me and our 2 year old twins, I had no idea that he was even thinking about it. We were getting marriage counseling. It was a total shock and I was devastated. You have to keep yourself together and take care of yourself as best you can for right now. Do you have some supportive friends/family? I hope you will be able to work things out with her--are you still in love with one another?
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ll this world is but a play
Be thou the joyful player
\"Maya\"  The Incredible String Band

Offline kpickle39

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WIld women and manic men: How straight affected our adult c
« Reply #14 on: September 18, 2002, 09:48:00 PM »
hey Bill - I hope she gives you another chance.  We all make mistakes in our marriage (God knows I have made plenty).  So Shelby if you are reading this, maybe you should give it another try.   I believe that marriage is forever...even though at times forever feels like too darn long!  Best of luck.
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