You're right Greg. The experience was different at different times, and for different people. If people feel angry, they sould talk about it. If they feel grateful, they should feel free to talk about that too. I think it's all part of what was there, and these are decade old memories too.
No body ever hit me; but I do remember being jabbed - hard - in the back if some bozo oldcomer thought I was 'into my head' during a rap. No one ever sat on me or pinned me down; but I did submit to a strip search, an oldcomer slept on a cot in front of my bedroom door when I was a newcomer and I was required to keep the bathroom door open at all times - humiliating. On the other side, some of the people there were fun to be with, especially 'after the raps' when we were home - we'd laugh, and play jokes on each other, and have a great time. When I was with a newcomer, I sincerely wanted to help them; I tried to, as best I could and with the limited Seed vocubulary that I had, to make them feel good about themselves - I didn't abuse anyone. Mostly, we played ping pong, watched TV, and cooked meals and such. Sure, a lot of what I told them was over-simplified sloganeering, but I was trying hard to believe it myself.
Also, although Art surrounded himself with young, attractive women, I never sensed anything 'sleazy' - if anything, the Seed was very prudish about sex. I do think Art cared about the people around him - OK, he was an egotistical megalomaniac as well, but no monster - in my experience.
People did yell at me, tell me I had fucked up, and all of that - and they were often wrong, misjudged me and my motives, or they were spewing slogans themselves. But it certainly wasn't much different from what I experienced in other aspects of my life.
If all of this happened within the context of a family, or the military, we'd think it's kind of 'normal.' The word cult can be used, because we did give up a good bit of our autonomy to be a part of this; but people do it all the time, especially insecure, lost or lonely people. Some of the same things happen when you're in college, or on a team, or part of a corporation. It's a cult when it's destructive. And I recognize, that for some, maybe many, the Seed was destructive. In my case, it's really a hard thing to measure. I gained commeraderie - I lost freedom. You can see that in the end I chose the uncertainty of going my own way and leaving the Seed behind. But I recognize that people have this need to belong and they will give up a lot for it, often too much, as in a bad relationship.
Sorry for that damn long-assed post, I can't seem to get this out small concepts - too complicated for that.
