It's a hard thing, what we are all trying to do. Reconcile what we learned, for those who believe it was a positive experience - or were programmed with, for those who see the experience as less than positive ...Reconclie what we learned with our lives as we have lived them up to this point.
I'm still tyring to understand the effect of those teachings on my choices. But I do know, without a doubt, I was never a worthless person - none of us were, no matter what a person did before they were sent through that door. And for sure, no one is worthless now. No soul that has ever existed is a worthless piece of shit, no matter what they did to themselves or someone else. "Worthless, gonna die, never amount to anything ..." The common mantras for those who were strong and could resist or perhaps were hesitant to fully embrace the teachinhgs or comply. Who wouldn't have problems from all tis?
Certainly I have friends I made there who, without it, their lives might have been worse. However, you can only have so much continous conflict, failure, insecureity or uncertainty before you have stop and look for the absolute root cause. There are no inherently defective souls.
I think my life was worse because of what happened to me when I was there. But I know each one of us struggles with this. I surely don't know the answer. I wish I could be normal and not have to bend my mind around these things now. But I do know I don't want the next thirty years to be like the last thiry years. So, if I'm grateful for anything today, its to know that I'm not alone in this journey. It doesn't matter to me what side of the issue a person is on, the fact is, it's a journey.
Maybe for folks who didn't have families, the positive aspects of honesty (not mantra but real honesty) and commitment helped them to have what their parents and families couldn't give them. I hope so.
But stil, there's that sense of sadness that seems to permiate my life - even in the face of my many successes.
I guess in the end, Jimmy, you are not alone at all. Not alone at all.