i fucking hate it. yes i understand that it got me out of the terrible life style i was living, but that was purely due to physically removing me from the environment. i could have gone to a regular boarding school, or something of the sort.
since i have left there i have suffered greatly. i never had any of the problems i have now. i left and went straight to university in oregon. things were fine for a while, aside from being completely socially damaged, and void of any basic education. when i went on summer break, i could not deal with the lack of structure that university/rma afforded me. i turned into a huge coke head, and barley made it back to school in the fall. i was back to the way i was before i was sent away three years prior, only worse and with a whole new set of issues. i developed a severe anxiety disorder, hyperventilating daily, not being able to leave the house, shaking when placed in a confrontational environment, spending weeks at a time in a state of severe depression. i have seen many doctors, neurologist, natural-paths, and have tried everything from medication, to acupuncture and eye movement desensitization ( i am canadian, so our health care is paid for. if i was american, i would have spent way over $100 000 on treatment). the next 2 years in oregon were terrible. i nearly failed out of school, was hospitalized twice for suicide attempts, and was in a complete state of panic. EVERY SINGLE professional that i saw did not say that i was sick because of what happened before rma. they examined a time line, and always said i was experiencing post traumatic stress syndrome from 2 years of constant abuse, fear, and being someone that i am not.
i am fine now. i am finishing my degree in art history in vancouver, own my own home, and have a great job working in film. i don't, however, talk to my parents. i just can't get past what went on, and i wish that i could. i also still take medication, and battle with anxiety everyday.
i get nightmares about rma all the time, and i don't think they will ever go away. it was truly the darkest time in my life, and something i wish i had never had to survive.
alicia.
