Dear Margaret D.
It seems you have some real burried anger at me for something i did. You mentioned saying that we knew each other, i may have the truth is I don't remember. I do know that many of us did things we regret as you said because we had to.
I think it is very "staff" like of you to call me a liar when you do not know what happened by your own admission. But, i think that is the result of some burried resentment which I understand if I hurt you somehow.
I will say this, we all know Straight was BAD ENOUGH that there is no reason for anyone to lie about what happened there. I don't need to prove anything to you but I will say this my memory is not flawed, I know exactly what happened with John K. In fact, he may even tell you. I am sure he remembers the knife incident.
You know Margaret I do care about you but I find it disheartning that you would come out of the woodwork after all these years and start or nearly start by calling another survivor a liar. If you don't believe things like that happened in Sarasota don't take my word for it ask Sammy or even Ginger.
I have NEVER lied about what happened there and I never would. There is no point. I am not writing a book , or gaining anything.
I must say its a bit odd for you to come on here an attack me when you just stroll in. I have been fighting this for well since I got there. I paid a huge price then and after. I put my money where my mouth was, many times i spent hundreds if not thousands fighting this, I have been across the country fighting it, I relived it not willingly but because when you get that involved it is like swallowing poison as it brings back the memories, nightmares and consumes you. I have suffered , my family has suffered, my son has suffered . As I write this I must say I grow angry so, since you were blunt , I shall be too. What I want to say is how dare you! How dare you take my worst memories and scars and chop it up to a lie which I gain nothing from.
Yes, I was a staff trainee and not that you know why or how but i'll tell you how, i was 7th stepped and staff me (Cheryl K) ask her she will tell you,asked me. I was working on an escape and if i said no , they would know right away something was up. I was on staff all of , at most four to five months. I dindn't and couldnt turn it down without giving myself away. I also knew that being on staff would give me access to documents to take with me to the DA and police. THAT is why I was on staff.
When i left , I didnt go get high, I didnt go party with friends, I WENT DIRECTLY TO THE POLICE. I took my moms car and went directly to the authorities with all the evidence i had. Now, if my motive was anything less than that I would have gone out and partied or hung with friends or at least taken one night to party. I didn't.
I find it a little presumptious of you to think you know what i did or why i did it. But lets see do my actions match my words?
You know Margaret now that I have said how I feel. Look we were brainwashed to destroy and confront and be cruel to each other. Those of us here on this board are refusing to do that again to each other ESPECIALLY WITHOUT CAUSE. I know you just came around but we are here to work together , to be there for each other, to fight with each other.
As for my " activisim" I have NOTHING TO prove to you. I PUT MY ACTIONS WHERE MY MOUTH WAS MANY MANY YEARS AGO WHILE STILL IN THE PROGRAM and MANY MANY TIMES SINCE. I have been there for survivors even shortly after they got out. Many other survivors have been there for me as well and I am forever grateful to all them.
All I can do is tell you that whatever I did to you to hurt you and make you angry I am from the bottom of my heart sorry. I hope that helps your burried anger. I know its hard when you first start looking it up, remembering things and the anger and all of it comes back.
You may not think that Johns name belongs here, there is nothing I can do about that. I know what I know , I WILL NEVER FORGET IT.
YOU SAID "he did to you that he couldn't possibly have done because he wasn't even there! " - Margaret he was there, he was on staff , junior staff ask the other survivors.
No, I never saw John hit anyone or sit on anyone. However, Kim S was misbehaving and I was on a higher phase, Letha told me to take her in the back room and "take care of it" I knew what that meant. It meant taking her on because she was fighting with others in the group,, Well, I couldnt watch or participate in one more incident so I didnt . A few minutes into us being in the room John and Letha heard no noice from the room and came in to see what was up. They came in Kim mouthed off at them and they told me to grab her and put her on the floor, I wouldn't. I was planning an escape and had a small switch blade in my pocket that i had taken from my dads dresser just in case they figured me out. I pulled it out and said to John and Letha - If you come near her I will kill you- It wasnt said like people say it when they are mad. I was calm, For the first time in my life I meant it. My stomach sank as I realized I would, its a calm but frightning feeling when you cross that ledge. YOU HAVE NO IDEA, HOW ANGRY I HAVE BEEN THAT THEY PUT ME IN THE POSITION TO MAKE THAT KIND OF CHOICE AT 16 YEARS OLD , I WOULD HAVE TO TAKE A LIFE TO PROTECT MINE AND HERS. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE. BTW I WAS EITHER ON 5TH PHASE BUT I BELIEVE I WAS A STAFF TRAINEE. IF I DIDNT CARE, IF I WASNT FIGHTING EVEN THEN WHY ON GODS EARTH WOULD I RISK A START OVER WHEN I WAS SOOO CLOSE TO GETTING OUT JUST TO HELP KIM AND YES, I GOT STARTED OVER. BECAUSE I AM WONDERFUL A RESOUNDING NO- BECAUSE I COULD NOT WATCH ONE MORE BEATING IT WAS SELFISH, I COULDNT STAND ANYMORE.
So, If i was (As you say) so excited about being on staff than tell me why I was
The first 7th stepper ever started over and then ever started over twice
Why was I the first staff ever started over
Why was holding the record for start overs
SIMPLE - because i was fighting it even then.I could of chose to coast through in nine months leave and be done with it , I DIDNT HAVE TO GET UP HELP KIM OR ANYONE ELSE BUT I DID. i dont like saying that, and want no "points" for it. Because it was Marnie S and Dee Dee who did that for me many times, saved me many times in there. I was following their example. NOW, that is not to say that all start overs were due to someone else. It was John and letha who gave those oldcomers a 14 day refresher PERIOD. I know because i can still see his face like it was yesterday.
As for the green room Margaret I was there longer than anyone ever had been at the time. I was in EVERY building, Green Room yes i watched them throw my brothers head through a wall in the Green Room, I was in the Green Room when Aimee , Nancy got in my face in a private confrontation, I was in the "green room" when Ross came in. I never got raped in there. I do not want to talk about Ross, not because of what he did to me so much as what he did to my friends who i have sat with years later and listned to them cry and if I am not mistaken YOU WERENT EVEN THERE.
many think Gails name belongs here , I don't because she didnt do anything to me , but its not really that I dont. I understand why they would feel that way and any staff that enjoyed it like Wanda or has no regrets should be here.
I am trying hard not to get angry because usually when we all roll on here for the first time its hard. We have all sorts of anger and blame and all that goes with it and we often attack each other or the first person because they are there. So, let me say it again , I am sorry for ANYTHING I may have done to you in there.
All I can say Margaret is slow down, take your time. Let the memories come back and deal with what you can and put away what is to hard. I know the more you talk to people on here the more we all remember things, but lets be here for each other not attack each other as we did in group. Nothing makes the Semblers more happy.
MARGARET - NO ONE THAT I KNOW IS HERE TO BLAME YOU, OR ACCUSE YOU. Your time in there is something only you can deciede if there is anything you need or feel the need to apologize for, you are right that all of us kids had to do certain things that none of us are proud of to save ourselves. The exceptions are those that enjoyed it so, or who come on here telling us the same thing they did in group or try to hurt us again.
I CANT SPEAK FOR EVERYONE MARGARET BUT FOR THE ONES I KNOW ON HERE I THINK I CAN SAY THAT THEY ARE PATIENT AS A SAINT WITH EACH OTHER, THEY ARE NOT HERE TO "confront" you - that was in Straight not here. Find another survivor you trust on here and talk to them it helps.
I wish you the best and I am sorry that at times in this post I sounded angry I am human, but the truth is I know how hard it is when you first start looking straight up again.
I know there are MANY MANY caring survivors here.