Yes, punishment and rewards existed long before psychology expanded on them to develop techniques for modifying behavior. Parenting is not ?behavior modification?. The role of adult is that of teacher, guide, or role model. The former is disrespectful, the latter is not. Rewards and punishments have never been and will never be a replacement for aware parenting. Programs employ these techniques for two reasons. They have more kids than they can genuinely care for and because reward and punishment is easier- requires less thought, just follow the textbook, any Joe can carry it out. It is a default method of parenting when one doesn?t know how to foster a respectful relationship with a child.
I perceive a distinct difference between teaching, guiding, modeling; and behavior modification. In the example of the 4 year old you gave, one would be teaching through modeling- if everyone washed their hands together before a meal. In most households I?ve observed there is a double standard. The child is expected to wash while the parents don?t. If the child refused, I would assume that there was some unrelated physical or emotional issue that was interfering with her ability to be cooperative- given that I believe that a person that has inner happiness/contentment is cooperative, even 4 yr olds who also want to participate in what the group is doing. In general, I believe that kids will behave better if parents abandoned BM and focused on the underlying issue of the child?s unhappiness/discontent.
So, everyone?s washing their hands and the 4 yo refuses. I have two choices. I can coercive, bribe, threaten punishment, deny her food at that meal- employ BM. Or I can recognize it for what it is- is she overly tired? Is she not ready for the transition from play to dinner? Or does she have a need to get some stress off. I?d deal with all three differently. Tired- probably wash them for her. Not ready- put her meal aside until she?s ready. Stressed- I would simply take her hand and restate that it?s time to wash up. I would do this for two reasons, consistency in teaching and to intensify the underlying feelings so they can come to the surface and be resolved. If it?s an issue that I feel is important I am not going to negotiate, or bribe. Chances are good that she is going to cry. I listen. If she falls on the floor, then I put washing hands on hold and expect to listen for a longer time. Invariably, the underlying distress is going to be vented and she will then be able to return to her cooperative self. I can?t tell you how many times, in a similar scenario, the child has vented about something that happened earlier in the day that was distressing. IF, I am not in a space to listen, I might distract her with some humor to get her laughing, knowing all the while that I have only temporarily suppressed some feelings that will most assuredly surface with the next frustration or request for cooperation. Carrying a four year old to the sink screaming and demanding that she cooperate would not be an option I?d consider. I wouldn?t try to convince her of the necessity either. Four year olds don?t understand germ theory, but they do like to be a part of the group and do what everyone else is doing- ie learn. When she?s older, she might ask why we wash before dinner. That would be the time for rational explanation.
This dynamic doesn?t get more complicated with age. The process can, because the person can become resistant to venting what?s bothering them.
I can?t think of a situation in which I would send my child to a program. If I took action it would be at home. For instance, put bars on the windows, stand in front of the door and refuse to allow him to leave. If I did this it would not be carried out as a means of control, but for the same reason stated before, to intensify the underlying feelings so they are brought to the surface and resolved. You are going to be the target at that point, and rightfully so if you?ve been a dictator or have been oblivious to your child's real needs; which most parents aren?t equipped to deal with- so some preparation is fundamentally essential to avoid more resentment. If a parent does not want their teen to leave the house to participate in potentially dangerous behavior, they could prevent it. Short of that, any parent can also employ the same BM techiniques the programs use at home. The question remains unanswered.
Why don't they?
And, why did you hire strangers to do it?
If you are going to hold teens against their will, which is not BM, but incarceration; then the most respectful thing you can do it to TEACH- model, guide how to be in more respectful relationship with others. Confrontation in EG programs and workshops, as I have witnessed it, is in fact an attack, designed to shame, blame, and humiliate a person into conforming. In a word, manipulation. I think it is much more useful to be bluntly honest with compassion.
I don?t believe people acquire genuine emotional growth through rewards and punishments. It is a by-product of being treated with respect in an environment that recognizes the uniqueness of each person and allows many options for learning and experiencing successes; an environment in which inner happiness and contentment, peace is fostered; an environment where people?s concerns, frustrations, fears are heard and appreciated. Have you ever had the opportunity to listen to a teen?s inner most thoughts? While there are those whose thoughts and concerns are no deeper than ?will I make head cheerleader?, many have deep concerns about the environment, what the world be like when they are adults, why the adults around them act so stupid and irresponsible, why the culture fears them, why they are invisible. They have some very valid concerns and fears and rarely a place to discuss them. The ones who are aware are frequently the ones who look for ways to free themselves of their discomfort and are considered a problem.
Emotional growth is not a by-product of a BM warehouse where teens are isolated from their families and subjected to irrational rules and expectations which carry hurtful and unreasonable consequences. While rewards may induce less resentment, the teen is aware that they are being manipulated, and there is not always going to be someone dangling a reward in front of them when they are out in the real world.
Has it ever occurred to you that it could be very beneficial to allow the teens to design their own community? Allow them to create the rules, or at the very least, participate in the process? Research has shown that people are much more cooperative when respected this way. Allow them to determine how THEY will deal with a member of their community who is not pulling their load in terms of chores? If and how they choose to pursue an education? Could you support such an environment? Could you facilitate this process?
Personally, I don?t see any benefit in bribing a teen until they start to ?think about and accept that there were reasons why they were sent to the facility?. That is a major problem with this standard MO of all programs. It never is entirely the teen?s fault. It focuses on their behaviors as the problem rather than the underlying fears, concerns, resentments, insecurities, and general bullshit they might have been reacting to. One of these are always present when someone is not at peace with themselves and others. In effect, to incarcerate a teen is to indirectly say they are being punished for the way their underlying feelings manifested- how they reacted to their environment. That is an inaccurate beginning assumption. For most, it is the assumption that the teen is acting consciously and maliciously. If you start with that assumption, everything you do will be useless in terms of aiding another human being in regaining their peace of mind, dignity, and self worth.
I appreciate this professional?s take:
In conclusion, ultimately it is the regulatory ability that leads to our success as individuals in society. Unfortunately too many parents themselves lack the mature regulatory system to be effective regulatory teachers to their children. The parents therefore seek professional help and the professional often times enhances the state of dysregulation by being child behavior-centered. When this is occurring the child is often blamed, labeled, and the behavior given repeated consequences, in worse case scenarios, the behavior is medicated or the child begins to act out to such a degree that he is placed in residential treatment. As long as there is not a parent willing to take the responsibility to communicate the necessary regulatory lessons, the child will not develop the necessary effective regulatory skills.
==
To that end, I think it would be extremely challenging for any program to teach self regulation, and do so in a useful way. It would require a paradigm shift away from reward and punishment, a very carefully designed program with master facilitators who are there to guide the teens? decision making process and offer suggestions when inevitable mistakes are made.
I think that if someone was successful in creating such an environment for unwanted, distressed teens, it would be hugely successful. It would grow quickly, displacing the BM industry; which would die a natural death and not a minute too soon.
Yes, we are paradigms apart in our thinking. I don't expect to change yours but I hope when you are desiging your 'program' that you stop ocassionaly and think about what respecting a teen might look like.
[ This Message was edited by: Deborah on 2004-09-12 15:24 ]
