Reading these posts is a powerful link to the past. I am enjoying reading the Moral Inventory posts, they pop me right back into that time and place. I can still feel the hard chairs, smell the hotdogs and PBJs we had for lunch, remember the sound and smell of 'lighting up' on the hour or when the rap leader did (of course we all smoked because Art did).
Some of the comments on this site make it clear that people are still struggling with issues that the Seed triggered. Some people had a positive experience and claimed the Seed saved their lives. Others are still angry at the time they spent there and the months and years lost. Others are interested because while there were both positive and negative experiences, it was a time that was unique, powerful and occured 'outside' of our normal day to day life. It's really hard to explain to people - was I in a cult? Was it a drug rehab? Was I at fault for 'joining?'
The problem is that it was a cult, although it carefully managed a non=cult image. We were told that, as oldcomers, we were free to go. I guess we were free in the same way I'm free to jump in front of a moving bus - because we were told that outside of the protection of the Seed 'madness, death or prison' were our only alternatives. When I was at the Seed there was a lawsuit brought by members of Cookie C's family, heirs to the Beneficial financial corp. fortune. Some judge determined that the Seed was not a cult - at least that's what Art told us.
In my case, I had been recommended to the Seed by a psych. professor from Case Western Reserve University, and Dr. Finkelstein was a big supporter in Cleveland - how more mainstream can you get? Many efforts were made to negate the cult aspects of the Seed. But they were there!
Even now, it's hypnotic to read about the experiences and the Moral Inventories posted. If Synanon was the source for much of the technique, I know that this emphasis on 'complete honesty' required people to alter their reality to conform with the group.
At the same time, the experience of sitting in a rap session for hours and hours induced a kind of hypnotic trance. I remember seeing auras around the group and feeling like I was falling, or just getting warm all over - getting into this kind of meditative zone where I just felt like I was sort of dreaming. It was kind of addictive and there were certain raps that did this for me.
I also enjoyed the humor raps where we talked about what losers we used to be. I felt a lot more authentic when I was relating this than talking about how 'great' I was now because truly I didn't feel great at all. I felt so below everyone else that hearing other people talk about insecurities made me feel less isolated, and the same for having people laugh at mine.
However, when I left the Seed I had a lot of work to do, because I had never been authentic with myself. I went from being a child and under the sway of my family's dynamic to being a part of the Seed, which dictated my every move. I had to work hard to understand what it was that I took from my family and from the Seed experiences, and grow up.
I think because I had given up my freedom at the Seed I felt so good in reclaiming it. The years since have been full of growth for me.
But thinking back on the Seed is still a huge part of my world, even though I have left it far behind. I so badly wanted to be a part of it. I loved my oldcomers and the staff - really - maybe partly in the way a prisoner 'loves' his keepers or a woman in an abusive relationship 'loves' her abuser. But mixed in with that was my own human feeling for other people that were genuine, and I am sorry that the Seed used that to keep me hooked in without honoring it authentically.
It was very hard to walk away from that world after 7 years. I literally woke up one night and thought, if I don't leave now I never will. I'll never have freedom, I'll never make my own destiny. Thank god I left.
The honesty I have with myself now is the gift I have given myself. I don't want to be a part of any cult, although I choose to engage in social, work and religious activiites - all of which have cult-like potential - I try to avoid 'group think' whenever and wherever I can, be true to myself, family and friends, and avoid demonizing people I don't agree with (this one is hard!)
I am so grateful to the posts on this site - I have gained a lot of insight.
Wally Gator [ This Message was edited by: cleveland on 2004-09-08 08:27 ]
