No matter how long ago I was at the Seed, it was such a vivid experience that reading about it still gives me chills.
I think that the Seed was extremely clever at developing loyalty and playing with our emotions. I was a pretty rootless 19 year old, and I was really looking for something to belong to. The Seed gave me that, or at least the illusion of it. At some point, I realized that I would never truly belong to it (after all, you can't belong to something that asks you to repress who you are) but I still thought that we were special "changing the world" or "homo superior" as Art used to call it. The Seed was also really great at playing on my insecurities. Because I was a relatively priveleged, white, suburban kid, I was made to feel like the Seed people were more real, that Art's experiences in life were more relevant than mine - that he was a hero, that he had succeeded in society yet removed himself from it so he could be with us.
At some point, the need to be a "perfect seedling" and to remove big parts of my self from public view began to bother me. I wanted to be myself, express my creativity, fall in love, have real friendships that weren't subject to staff approval. I inwardly rebelled for a long time before I left - I knew I was living a lie.
The humiliation that was part of my entry into the program also reinforced the difficulty I had leaving - the body cavity search, being told that I was wrong about everything I'd ever done, that my friends were all bad for me and I was bad for them, that I didn't know how to be a friend, that my family was totally fucked up, that I couldn't make it on my own. Contrast that with being told 'we love you' over and over again, and that my oldcomers were really brilliant at picking up on my needs and fears, and that the staff was really savvy at subtle coercion. Plus, hey, some of the girls were hot, and I wanted them to like me.
And that brings up sex. I guess I had a lot of guilt about my admittedly limited sexual relationships at 19, but the Seed really made me feel like a looser. I remember we were not even supposed to think about sex - remember being told to 'get your head out of the gutter' all the time? I really did make an effort to not think about sex AT ALL - jeez. We played football on the beach with the girls and it was SO HARD to not get that out of your head - they all wore bikinis. I was guilty as charged. After a while I just said fuck it and I became really good at having sexual fantasies during the rap sessions while still formulating a Seed-appropriate response in case I was called on. I think that's when the hyporcrasy of the whole thing fell into place for me and made it much easier to eventually leave.
I entered the Seed progam on August 15, 1978. I had dropped out of college, so depressed I could hardly stand living anymore. I had gone to an Open Meeting in Cleveland and - this was the 70s - there were kids who actually looked happy (it was so cool to look miserable if you were a 19 year old in 1978). I fell for it. Senior staff in Cleveland Scott Barebitski was completely charming, struck me as a hipster, and let me feel like I was in for a real treat if I entered the program. I said 'what the fuck' and before I knew it I was strip searched, all of my 'druggie' clothing was taken away, my hair was cut to military specs, and I was sitting on the front row thinking 'what the fuck have I done?'
Staff at the time was Hank, Bob (a mean guy - I never liked him), and - now I can't remember, an older (like 35) brunette who spoke in a very soft voice and had once had a date with Burt Reynolds. There were some Jr. staff. John Perloff for one. He was a typical product of upper class suburban Cleveland - good looking and smart, but vain about it too I always thought.
Most of the Cleveland oldtimers where real blue collar cleveland types - big guys who worked at Ridge tool or warehouses, and they had hot cars like Camaros or Chevelles (which I always thought was a violation of our 'I'm not supposed to look cool or enjoy material things' vow). Months after I entered (praying to leave every, every day) the whole program moved to Florida, which was cool with me because I had spent happy summers there as a kid. Art and Shelley had come up to Cleveland a few times and I thought his softshoe, old-school jokes and military stories were cool. I was excited about going.
In Florida we had Libby, Cookie, Ginger, and Evie. Libby scared me a little but I thought I understood her 'poor little rich girl' story. Cookie seemed resonable, Evie was nice. But I had a huge crush on Ginger. She was smart, funny and seemed to understand me better that I understood myself. That was definitely used to keep me interested. The guys - Hank from Cleveland, who seemed to leave eventually, Cliff, and later sort of his brother Fred, Ken, Scott B., John P., others. Robert came up sometimes, this huge, soft spoken black guy who gave off a lot of street cred.
Whatever we did there was always the rigid heirarchy of who was in and out. Who's the best newcomer? Who does Art talk to? Who gets to be called on? Who is your oldcomer - somebody cool, I hope? Whatever natural 'Lord of the Flies' kind of thing we might have was rigidly enforced. I even remmber when Cookie had start over on the front row, and she was right under Libby.
Seven years. Remember Jim Helm? He was one of my favorite people, and if he was part of this, how could it be bad?
OK, more to come later. This is kind of cathartic!