Day 25 - Moral Inventory - 8/22/75 (Open Meeting)

[Filobeddoe]

Day 25 - Moral Inventory - 8/22/75 (Open Meeting)

I learned alot about myself today. During Homes Rap my friends set me straight about alot of things. The main thing is that I wasn't being honest. Even today I wasn't being honest I was trying to impress everyone that I was doin' good & I wasn't doing good. I knew it because I didn't really feel right & I could tell that nobody was getting anything out of what I was saying. I was convincing myself that I was a boring person & by doing that I was becoming a boring person.

Something I realized is that my attitude is going to affect my actions. Not like just "saying" I'm gonna have a good day because I know whether or not I'm gonna have a good day or not. I have to think positive- it's just as simple as that & something that Darlene said to me was that I haven't changed since Day 1 & it's true. I've learned alot but I still have been playing games & I really haven't committed myself to getting straight. Something else the group told me today was that I thought it was just a big vacation being at the Seed & that it is serious business. I'm here to get my life back together & the only way that I can do that is to really start busting my ass & start realizing that it's a privilege to be in the Seed & it's nothing to be taken lightly.

And after everybody told me where I was at they didn't tell me that they loved me & that was a good justification for me to martyr. And that's what I did for the rest of the meeting. I was really acting like a jerk. And I could see on my Mom's face that she knew where I was at and that made me think. I'm not gonna get straight for her, I'm gonna do it for me but that gave me a little push in the right direction. This is the 1st Open Meeting that I didn't get emotional. Because I knew that if I did it would just be because I was feeling sorry for myself.

I LOVE YOU

Goals: BE HONEST WITH MYSELF, DON'T RAISE MY HAND UNLESS I'M GONNA BE HONEST. START TAKING MY LIFE SERIOUSLY.

Dear God give me the strength to be myself and not be a boring person. Amen

[Anonymous]

moral inventory continued in mind.....


and dear god, help me be me. I do not know if they are reading this or not and they may be able to guage my inner thoughts, at least they claim they can. If I remain true to me, I will never get out. No one is here for me, I am all alone, I cannot even speak to anyone by myself, tell anyone what I am thinking. I am so humilated and ashamed, and I don't really understand why. I so wanna be me but I cannot be without severe consequences and ridicule. I am so tired I can barely stay awake, but when I drift they poke me hard in the back and make me keep my back straight all day. If my eyes drift from the speaker they immediately poke me and raise their hand so they can take turns screaming at me. I am so tired and I miss my family so much, but my family  wants me to change also. What is so wrong me with God?  Dear God, Am I realy worthless without the seed? Am I really a piece of shit unless I become like them? Am I really incapable of surviving without these people..will I die, go to prison like they say? Why am I so weak?  Does my survival really depend on becoming a seedling? Why aren't I allowed to speak my mind? Why do they punish me when I stop to think? I feel so debased...

Dear God, let this nightmare end.