moral inventory continued in mind.....
and dear god, help me be me. I do not know if they are reading this or not and they may be able to guage my inner thoughts, at least they claim they can. If I remain true to me, I will never get out. No one is here for me, I am all alone, I cannot even speak to anyone by myself, tell anyone what I am thinking. I am so humilated and ashamed, and I don't really understand why. I so wanna be me but I cannot be without severe consequences and ridicule. I am so tired I can barely stay awake, but when I drift they poke me hard in the back and make me keep my back straight all day. If my eyes drift from the speaker they immediately poke me and raise their hand so they can take turns screaming at me. I am so tired and I miss my family so much, but my family wants me to change also. What is so wrong me with God? Dear God, Am I realy worthless without the seed? Am I really a piece of shit unless I become like them? Am I really incapable of surviving without these people..will I die, go to prison like they say? Why am I so weak? Does my survival really depend on becoming a seedling? Why aren't I allowed to speak my mind? Why do they punish me when I stop to think? I feel so debased...
Dear God, let this nightmare end.