Ordering Pizza in 2008 [securely]
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Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut.
May I have your national ID number?
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Customer: Hi, I'd like to place an order.
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Operator: I must have your NIDM first, sir.
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Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on,
eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610
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Operator: Thank you Mr Sheehan.
I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive,
and the phone number is 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302
and your cell number is 266-2566.
Email address is
sheehan@home.net Which number are you calling from sir?
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Customer: Huh? I'm at home. Where'd you get all this information?
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Operator: We're wired into the HSS, sir.
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Customer: The HSS, what is that?
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Operator: We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time.
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Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas.
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Operator: I don't think that's a good idea, sir.
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Customer: Whaddya mean?
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Operator: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you've got very high blood pressure nd extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice.
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Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?
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Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it.
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Customer: What makes you think I'd like something like that?
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Operator: Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion.
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Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then.
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Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, --and your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99
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Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.
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Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit.
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Customer: I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here.
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Operator: That won't work either, sir. Your checking account is overdrawn also.
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Customer: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?
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Operator: We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick'em up while you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward.
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Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a cycle?
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Operator: It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday.
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Customer: Well, I'll be a #%#^^&$%^$@#
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Operator: I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 4, 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here in September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge. Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90-day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?
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Customer: (speechless)
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Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?
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Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke.
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Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering
free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this. Sir ... Thank you for calling Pizza Hut!
