It has been almost a year since I discovered this site. It has been about a year since I found that other people were as affected by the CEDU system. I found I was not alone. I went to my parents to chat with them about the recent discoveries and validation of the wierdness of the program. (god forbid I would use the term abuse)
They don't want to talk about it. They believe it was a mistake sending me there but that ends their responsibilty. They don't want to talk about all the doubts and confusion that were borne there. They can't admit that those years still touch me daily and reminders are plentiful in both sleeping and waking hours. It's a fight with them when I try to relate some of the finer points of damage inflicted on my self image. It's a fight when I mention that I still struggle with aspects of that time. Does someone have parents who have enough love for me too? I still want it, I still need it to thrive and feel positive, and they do still fail to give me shelter from the storm inside myself.
That is one thing I can never forgive about the program. IT DESTROYED MY CONFIDENCE. Oh, in the short term I thought I was a god. I mean, I was...I did the summit and graduated...why five years later did all seem so distant and faded. A prisoner who is released into the custody of a mental hospital would understand: THEY WERE BIG ISSUES, and they were not dealt with appropiately. Yes, it's over. It's been over since the schools were sold for the first time, and no other kids will go through as intense a program should they find themselves unlucky enough to be "sent away". And yet...the damage has been done. And the hurts are back toward the surface. Rehashing this RMA experience in therapy and conversation has only magnified what a BIG FUCKING DEAL IT WAS! Get out of my head DOUG, VICKI, STEVE, RANDY, CAROLINE, BRUCE, DAN, CARMEN, and the rest. Your yelling and faux love was POISON. I hope your new careers leave you as impotent in the workforce as you left many of us socially.
