I probably go and have gone through several of the processes of healing and questioning and paranoia that anyone who comes to this board goes through.
Very needy of trusting and needy of friends who have been through those experiences in Straight. To wind up feeling sorry that I spoke to those people because they're still just as untrustworthy as before like the ones in the program I was in.
Some people took only a few years to get back to health and out of the programming and mindset/brainwash they had become. Some had family support and were able to get counseling or other help and support to make them productive citizens nearly as soon as they got out. Some.
Others or maybe most, at least the ones I remember that are like you and me, didn't get off so easy. Some got lucky and turned eighteen and got to walk out. Some, like me, wouldn't turn eighteen for three years or more - and would be let out on there eighteenth birthday give or take a year or so when the inner mind wakes up and says no more, or whatever.
For me, its taken several years, about ten or fifteen, to remember those things that have happened back in Straight Inc. I've had to go back through the fear and watching over my back, I've had to go through hell with the criminal justice system lately - because so much has suddenly come back to me that I felt it necessary to be reckless with people again - yelling at them, spitting on them, cursing. Being reckless in my car was my way of getting it out. Fortunately, I hadn't ever done any drugs until after I got out of treatment. Much self medication. But, fortunately for real this time, it was a phase to mask alot of pain I was having. I didn't get that family support, boo hoo for me, as the folks were divorced and you know how that goes if you've been in that situation.
This newer phase is one of getting even and getting retribution, finding ways to end the pain or go back and somehow make myself feel better about the past or justify it somehow. Most of the ones I know who are on the inside and close to Melvin Sembler and his philanthropist causes have done their dead level best to get as much information on me as possible. 'Give us your date of birth and address'. That's all someone needs to figure you out.
Beyond all this personal shit though, I always have questions. Like I said, my life is a little slower because I simply do not have family support as some may. This is not good or bad on a conversation level, it is merely a factual statement. In my journey toward a healthier and fuller me I still have questions about the past. Here they are:
1. In Straight Inc. there were always these guys in our group that could do no wrong it seemed. I wonder sometimes how did Straight Inc. get started. I mean, if there were no patients to work up the phases, how did it start. I reckon it was just staffers. But, sometimes my imagination of imperialism gets the better of me. Those phasers who just seemed to be the best role models and have the best host homes - they were in and out in about a year more or less. I have to wonder was there ever a time when Straight Inc. or its sponsors may have been paying families to indoctrinate their healthy children into programs. Indoctrinate them as role models for children who were really in some bad way doing not so good or whatever. You get me ? Like, did Straight pay to have role models come into the phases.
2. I've been looking at alot of court documents while hanging around the court house here and there. I noticed that back a few years ago Richard Bradbury had some type of civil claim against him. The Plaintiff in this case was again Melvin Sembler. He was bringing suit against Ray for slander. I didn't get the whole skinny on it, but I did notice it. Its public record. I do find it odd somehow, given the whole apparatus of events surrounding Ray B.
3. Is there any way we can get a message to Italy and let them know what and who Melvin is ?
You know....one of my favorite things that I miss about Straight Inc. is telling people off. I do that alot lately. I may be in a chat room and start needlessly slandering others. It feels good. It is a really bad habit I am breaking, but its not easy when you had made a habit of it and didn't find much else to do in Straight or after you got out. For all those years I didn't remember what happened to me in Straight it was as if people looked at me and could tell something was not right underneath. Perhaps now its not so underneath which gives me some type of better start with health or nearby. But, its more than just needless counseling. Its not a free trip like before. As a child if someone didn't want me spitting in their face they could get restrained. I know all of you out there, and I say it with total assurance, if I tried that shit with you I might literally be murdered. You catch anyone on the street on a bad day and try and offer them real advice or sympathy and you may get knocked the fuck out. So, I'm careful how I do it. I can't get caught for slander or yelling at random anonymous people in a chat room. It's more of an honesty thing though. It's more funny when you just start sporatically fucking with people, especially when you've caught them off guard. And you can wax it like its not this way, but you know damn well most people would wait for the chance to tell you something when you are not on your guard. Nowadays when I tell people off its because I realize that every person at any time is going to look for an excuse to kick back so they don't have to deal with whatever it is I'm going to tell them off about. This society I am in now is not so fucking anal as Straight was. I would never wish to be back in such hell, but I am glad that if I saw anyone of the staff who used to do me or do me in, I would know now how to handle them.
