I can only remember a handful of incidents from those two years. It often amazes me how much detail some of you guys remember. But then again, I was in a completely different frame of mind at intake from most of you. I wasn't shocked that they were lying to me about the two week 'evaluation' or even the strip search or being introduced to 'Group'. I'd tried walking the line so as to never be put in the program. I'd tried running away and just striking out on my own. That failed; I just didn't have quite enough savvy and not a single friend to help me get a start. So I had resolved to just go through it (remember that silly song, Lion hunt? That was an inside joke of mine; reminding me whenever we sang it what my plan was)
I never made any sincere connections with anybody there. I never intended to keep in touch. I knew I wasn't going to keep 'working the program' once I was able to finally escape by whatever means and I knew that would mean total shunning. I just kept myself to myself, stuck to the script and kept focused on getting the fuck away from the crazy bastards, all of you, as soon as possible. Not that had anything against all you other unfortunate strangers stuck there in the twilight zone with me. Just that I knew it was best to assume that any friend I might make would probably either turn mercenary or actually get brainwashed, either way it was best not to invest any trust in anybody. So why bother, right?
I didn't think it was effecting me till, for some damned reason, the illusion broke for just a moment while Cathy was called upon to confront her brother, Bobby, who had been marathoned for at least 2 days, maybe 3, I wasn't paying attention. I was minding my own business. I was keeping the whole tragic play at a distance, compartmentalized from that little brass box in a dark and dusty corner of my mind where I kept stuff that I couldn't quite define or clearly remember; my real beliefs, my real personality--me.
But all the while I thought I was letting it all roll off, I was going along. I don't know who I hurt or how badly. I only tried one time to redeem myself, to protest and make a statement. And I heard years later that I did, indeed, have some impact at least on some people. Mary A, even though she went on to staff in St. Pete, even though I can just imagine what kind of uber bitch she must have been in that position, for that one day she risked her status and all by refusing to take part in sitting on me when, clearly, I hadn't done anything close to the alleged justification for it. I don't even remember the incident, though it must have happened right in front of me. But friends tell me she refused on the grounds that I hadn't done anything to provoke being sat on and she took her punishment for it, whatever that was.
But the entire rest of those two years, I can only remember a couple of times when I took a small risk to defend another. When Kim K, who was court ordered as a legal adult behind a manslaughter charge, handed me a knife while we were cleaning up after breakfast at Jamie's appt. Kim was a newcomer, Robin Peele and a couple other trainees had spent the night and started giving me shit about it. I dared her to make something of it, saying "You know as well as I do that Kim's not about to hurt anybody with that knife, she was just being helpful." Dunno why I was able to get away with shit like that, but I was.
But the whole rest of the time, I shut my eyes. I didn't see what we really did to Holly R. when she was my newcomer. I just advised her to go along, comply, start getting straight. Same for Sammie. I don't remember Sammie's sister, but I'm told she was my newcomer on her first day. I must have done the Program song and dance well enough because otherwise I guess I'd remember the fallout. There wasn't any.
So as much as I hated the whole thing and refused to really internalize it, I was a tool. It's only a matter of degrees, really. My dad inadvertently taught me a lot about how this works. One day, he took me aside quietly while he was securing my mom's apartment so I could take newcomers and he showed me where he had hidden a big screwdriver under a dresser drawer in case of fire or violent newcomers or some other emergency. Couple of months later, he called the cops with a bullshit story, trying to have me arrested because he was
just sure that I would be deadinsaneorinjail in NO time if he couldn't find some way to get me back into the Program after I had split. Some months later, after I was out of the picture and Mom had no one to straighten out but him, he switched sides again and actually apologized to me for getting taken in like that.
The "enemy" that we're facing is not an individual or a group of them, it's an ideology. War is not an effective or appropriate response. Only enlightenment works against false ideology. And open communication is the only means I know of to attain enlightenment. That's why all cults focus so much on restricting it.
I have met the enemy and he is us," proclaimed Pogo to his compatriots of the Okefenokee Swamp. The homeland of Walt Kelly's cartoon characters had apparently been invaded by aliens, and Pogo was delegated top search out this unseen but ubiquitous enemy. Everyone in the swamp community was reacting in panic at every shadow and sound. While reconnoitering, Pogo observed the critters of the Okefenokee, one and then another, fleeing in terror through the swamp in every direction, yet he saw no sign of the enemy. He soon realized that in their panic the critters were the ones causing the commotion. Tranquility once again returned to their little community in the swamp after Pogo calmed their fears by convincing them that there was no enemy.
