Treatment Abuse, Behavior Modification, Thought Reform > Straight, Inc. and Derivatives
various people I'm remembering from Atlanta
enough:
The executive whose jaw was broken was Helen Morton. My Sister reminded me of the name tonight.
James
hedwigfan:
James,
I'm really glad you've found this site. I've finally found validation here. Many of my family members are still of the opinion that I never would have made it without Straight, and I've given up talking to them about it. In therapy, I'm realizing I'm just at the tip of the iceberg and it's going to take a lot of work to bring what happened in Straight into consciousness. I've lost two years of my life, and it's a numbness and confusion I feel. Thank God my husband, who has believed for many years (I met him in 1985) that I had features of PTSD (rage attacks, emotional numbing, memory loss, hyperactive startle reflex), finally persuaded me to see a therapist. It's overwhelming right now, because it's hard to envision ever feeling whole again.
My therapist feels it's important for survivors to tell their stories...hearing your story made me very sad. I used to daydream about escaping alot. I was 20 when I came in, and from day 1, was falsely imprisoned. Everytime I tried to withdraw, I was taken to an intake room, and informed that I was under court order and I'd go to jail if I withdrew. I still don't know if this was something cooked up between my parents and the staff, or if the staff was just lying, but I was never court-ordered, EVER!! After 4 or 5 months on 1st phase, I gave up and conformed because I saw no way out. It was a desperate time. I still wish I would have had the courage to run away, but I was so afraid of the police. I was definitely brainwashed...what's vexing is how did I allow it to happen? Or, was there even a choice? I have guilt over that--could I have prevented all this emotional damage? When I think about being on staff, it sickens me, because I know I was part of the problem.
I'm glad to hear you have a supportive relationship now. Do you talk to your parents at all? Kris
dreammagician:
Whenever I confront my parents about straight after a long raised voise confrontation i get told that i was court ordered. I know I wasn't court ordered. I want proof even then i want to know why you didn't get me out of there sooner. so many rules, not enough common sense, maybe i was too young, an idiot. it gets hard to figure out why people want to control others so bad. Oh well we're all on the road to recovery.
enough:
Kris,
I could not be more sensitive to how you are feeling. I can not emphasize enough how stunningly healthy and rewarding it has been to interact with you over the past few days.
If I can be so bold as to say it, I did manage to get away, and yet I was so conditioned to be dependant on the group that I came back. I can recall those exit conference with Ann so clearly, and I resented my family for a long time over how I was turned out onto the streets alone.
I am an atheist today, and never in my life have I had a better understanding of the true power of belief. Once I began to believe that I was an addict, that I had been sexually abused because of my addiction, that I was 'insane' and 'powerless' - it became a self fulfilling prophecy.
I entered the program shortly prior to my eighteenth birthday, and perhaps the most insidiuos nature of my experience was that I actually wanted to be there. As a result of my sexual abuse, at the hands of adult men, I was already a PTSD case upon my entry, I believe that this was true of so many people at the cult.
What happened in that place was exactly the opposite of what I needed. It complicated and deepened my disorder, rather than helping me to resolve my issues. By the time I left, I was living so many lies that I no longer knew which 'stories' in my life were true, and which I had created as 'walls' to keep people away from my pain, a pain that I began to nurture and protect. Keeping the 'wound' open it is called.
I spent the next 18 years floundering and repeating the cycle I had developed at the Program. I would take a job, work there for a while, tell so many lies that I could not keep them straight. Eventually the pressure would mount, I would eitehr need to be suceesful and move up a ladder or fail utterly, and always the latter won out.
As recently as two years ago, I was still telling people that I had been and 'adolescent rehabilitation counselor' and repeating the lie that we had 'the equivalent' of a psychology degree. A lie that you might recall from group. Peopel respected me for that- and I just developed a deeper self hatred each time I started a new life with the same old lies.
I would go into a rage at work, quit my job, spend a few weeks drunk ( cause I thought that was what I was supposed to do) then put myself in a rehab, or a mental ward for a few days or weeks. I would always leave early- again in my pattern- and then beat myself up as a failure some more.
I spent years trying to define my own sexuality, holding deep self-hatred for my own sexual desires, always feeling that sex was just something that led me to drugs etc etc - we all know that tripe. Internalized homophobia is truly destructive.
All of this manifested itself physically in terms of severe back pain, pain that no doctor could explain, because I could not explain the full picture in any 10 minute visit.
I held at least 35-40 different jobs over the past 18 years, I lived all over the country, and I could never hold together any relationship.
The worst part of it all was that I had no explanation. Not for myself or for people who tried to help me- It was so frustrating.
I first began to understand at the beginning of the summer of 2001. Since then I have taken stress management courses to help with the back pain- it is gone now- and then started up individualized therapy, and finally joined a cult awareness group here in CA.
Although I refer to the group as a cult at times, I am not sure that it was, I really like to think of it as a 'high demand group', primarily because there was no one universal leader whom claimed to be God or his special messenger. As much as I revile Tilly and Buttermer, and even Mr. Sembler, I do not think of any of them as a messiah figure, nor do I believe that they do either.
I called my therapist yesterday to discuss the interaction with you over the past few days. I have found it to be such a relief to hear someone who was 'further up' than me, who had come to grips with the truth.
Much of the past year has been spent learning to forgive myself for what I did as a trainee and an upper phaser. I had become a fascist of sorts, as did most of us, and I hated myself for being so naive and gullible. I hated my parents, for leaving me there, I hated the program for lying to us, and I hated myself for hating my parents etc etc - the cycle is endless.
Emotional numbing, angry outbursts, exaggerated startle response, nightmares, physical self mutilation- I still drift off and pick at my head or nose quite often- that one has proved to be a challenge- all of these PTSD symptoms are slowly falling away. I have been almost 12 months without an outburst, and I have been in the same relationship for just over three years now.
In a bit of truly sweet irony- I found much of the strength to face my own demons while working for two years at a gay sex club in SF. It was so liberating to be in a truly sex positive and 'person' positive atmosphere, without judgemental people telling me how to live or play.
I hold no illusion that my life will just be easy as pie from now on- If you have read the Lord of The Rings- I am much like Frodo- I still have nightmares, I still feel the pain on 12/3 each year, my intake date. I still see Bob Ambrose in my sleep and waking hours, crying in the bathroom with his head soaked from the toliet, I still see Rob and the rest of the kids forcing his head under the water.
But it gets a little better each month, a few less dreams, a few less tears, and few more smiles. Hearing from you has really helped, and I hope that we could meet in person someday, when you feel comfortable with that.
Please feel free to contact me anytime if you need someone to talk to, I will email you my phone number. I can't promise anything but my willingness to listen as best I can. And I won't confront you!
James
PS- I got a reply from my sister, but I do not know if she will email you. I do not try to coerce her into talking about the cult, but she said more about it in the past two days than she had for years, and that was a good thing. You are helping me right now- take something good from that !!!!!
[ This Message was edited by: James on 2002-10-13 23:26 ]
enough:
CLay L wrote:
Jim:
Ramona Love is now living in Greenville, SC and is doing quite well from all accounts. She has one child who is 13 and giving her fits, and doing things she'd prefer him not to.
Derrick B. Last I talked to him was about 7 years ago. He married, damn I forgot the name, but had one child at the time. He picked up a degree in phsycology and wark working with inmates in the Georgia Prison system.
People I've been wondering about:
Rusty McDaniels
Dean Keenan
Will Tidd - Was my best friend in the program and really want to get in touch with him. Tried calling his parents the other day, but the number was wrong. I believe he still lives in ATL.
I am
Clay Lovett
I would love to find out about Rusty too- I had his last name wrong- Rusty had a big impact on me, when he left staff I was devastated. I tried to look him up, all I found was a name that matched, on some records for a construction company- I never pursued it further.
Dean Keenan was the guy from Pauley's Island- he also left staff while I was on second or third.
Will Tidd- trying to placethe face- I lived at home with a guy named Will when i first made sceond phase- I got in trouble for reading the Bible too long in the bathtub- they reported me and I was set back for 'avoiding my drug problem. Will's mom always fed us well, he had a bit of a 'queeny' air about him and was deeply concerned with fashion and his own clothing.
Same guy? If so I really liked him.
I didn't mean to ignore your post Clay, I just got so involved in what Kris had to say.
James
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