Kris,
I could not be more sensitive to how you are feeling. I can not emphasize enough how stunningly healthy and rewarding it has been to interact with you over the past few days.
If I can be so bold as to say it, I did manage to get away, and yet I was so conditioned to be dependant on the group that I came back. I can recall those exit conference with Ann so clearly, and I resented my family for a long time over how I was turned out onto the streets alone.
I am an atheist today, and never in my life have I had a better understanding of the true power of belief. Once I began to believe that I was an addict, that I had been sexually abused because of my addiction, that I was 'insane' and 'powerless' - it became a self fulfilling prophecy.
I entered the program shortly prior to my eighteenth birthday, and perhaps the most insidiuos nature of my experience was that I actually wanted to be there. As a result of my sexual abuse, at the hands of adult men, I was already a PTSD case upon my entry, I believe that this was true of so many people at the cult.
What happened in that place was exactly the opposite of what I needed. It complicated and deepened my disorder, rather than helping me to resolve my issues. By the time I left, I was living so many lies that I no longer knew which 'stories' in my life were true, and which I had created as 'walls' to keep people away from my pain, a pain that I began to nurture and protect. Keeping the 'wound' open it is called.
I spent the next 18 years floundering and repeating the cycle I had developed at the Program. I would take a job, work there for a while, tell so many lies that I could not keep them straight. Eventually the pressure would mount, I would eitehr need to be suceesful and move up a ladder or fail utterly, and always the latter won out.
As recently as two years ago, I was still telling people that I had been and 'adolescent rehabilitation counselor' and repeating the lie that we had 'the equivalent' of a psychology degree. A lie that you might recall from group. Peopel respected me for that- and I just developed a deeper self hatred each time I started a new life with the same old lies.
I would go into a rage at work, quit my job, spend a few weeks drunk ( cause I thought that was what I was supposed to do) then put myself in a rehab, or a mental ward for a few days or weeks. I would always leave early- again in my pattern- and then beat myself up as a failure some more.
I spent years trying to define my own sexuality, holding deep self-hatred for my own sexual desires, always feeling that sex was just something that led me to drugs etc etc - we all know that tripe. Internalized homophobia is truly destructive.
All of this manifested itself physically in terms of severe back pain, pain that no doctor could explain, because I could not explain the full picture in any 10 minute visit.
I held at least 35-40 different jobs over the past 18 years, I lived all over the country, and I could never hold together any relationship.
The worst part of it all was that I had no explanation. Not for myself or for people who tried to help me- It was so frustrating.
I first began to understand at the beginning of the summer of 2001. Since then I have taken stress management courses to help with the back pain- it is gone now- and then started up individualized therapy, and finally joined a cult awareness group here in CA.
Although I refer to the group as a cult at times, I am not sure that it was, I really like to think of it as a 'high demand group', primarily because there was no one universal leader whom claimed to be God or his special messenger. As much as I revile Tilly and Buttermer, and even Mr. Sembler, I do not think of any of them as a messiah figure, nor do I believe that they do either.
I called my therapist yesterday to discuss the interaction with you over the past few days. I have found it to be such a relief to hear someone who was 'further up' than me, who had come to grips with the truth.
Much of the past year has been spent learning to forgive myself for what I did as a trainee and an upper phaser. I had become a fascist of sorts, as did most of us, and I hated myself for being so naive and gullible. I hated my parents, for leaving me there, I hated the program for lying to us, and I hated myself for hating my parents etc etc - the cycle is endless.
Emotional numbing, angry outbursts, exaggerated startle response, nightmares, physical self mutilation- I still drift off and pick at my head or nose quite often- that one has proved to be a challenge- all of these PTSD symptoms are slowly falling away. I have been almost 12 months without an outburst, and I have been in the same relationship for just over three years now.
In a bit of truly sweet irony- I found much of the strength to face my own demons while working for two years at a gay sex club in SF. It was so liberating to be in a truly sex positive and 'person' positive atmosphere, without judgemental people telling me how to live or play.
I hold no illusion that my life will just be easy as pie from now on- If you have read the Lord of The Rings- I am much like Frodo- I still have nightmares, I still feel the pain on 12/3 each year, my intake date. I still see Bob Ambrose in my sleep and waking hours, crying in the bathroom with his head soaked from the toliet, I still see Rob and the rest of the kids forcing his head under the water.
But it gets a little better each month, a few less dreams, a few less tears, and few more smiles. Hearing from you has really helped, and I hope that we could meet in person someday, when you feel comfortable with that.
Please feel free to contact me anytime if you need someone to talk to, I will email you my phone number. I can't promise anything but my willingness to listen as best I can. And I won't confront you!
James
PS- I got a reply from my sister, but I do not know if she will email you. I do not try to coerce her into talking about the cult, but she said more about it in the past two days than she had for years, and that was a good thing. You are helping me right now- take something good from that !!!!!
[ This Message was edited by: James on 2002-10-13 23:26 ]
