stupid stepdad. help

[socialdeviant]

My stepdad is a complete asshole, who lied his way for my to get shoved into Northwest Behavioral Center, then kicked me out, and now i am living with my sister (that part is cool). but he told my exboyfriend that i said he raped me, told my mom i was a slut, and told my brothers and sisters all of the above and more. now my brothers and sisters did not believe most of the bs, but the fact is, my stepdad still said it. he is such a hypocritical fuck, and sooo full of shit. he has ruined so much in my life, and now i am expected to just be ok with that now that i am out of 'treatment' :mad: to top it all of the bastard beat the shit out of me before sending me to treatment, spread rumors about me through a very small town, made my depression into a show (said i cut myself for attention, even though i hid it for 4 years), and told me i was nothing and no one would ever love me, which is fine, because apparently i am not able to love anyone myself. how the fuck am i supposed to deal with him and my family, who comes to his defense in his presence, but talks crap behind his back, and am i the only one with the balls to stand up to him? yes, and that has put me on the with my family. help. sorry so long...

[Antigen]

You might as well ask me what I'd do if I had it to do over again. Only I didn't have a step dad, it was my mother who acted like that. And the whole family goes along in her presence and speaks their minds otherwise. I never did figure out how to deal with it and, as a result, I just don't have any contact w/ my family anymore. It's not asif they were ever beating my door down. I simply quit going out of my way to try and stay in touch.

Anyway, if I had it to do over again, there are a few things I would have done differently. One incident is crystalized in my mind. I'd already paired up and got pregnant and found that I needed to get a part time job to pay the bills. Having no diploma or connections, I was working whatever kind of jobs were available; mostly retail or restaurants and the like. This one ad caught my eye. The Farm Store (drivethrough convenience store) not 1/4 mile from the house I grew up in. I was drawn to it. I passed up another buck an hour and had to ride my bike about a mile to get there. But it just meant more to me than words can explain to be in my old neighborhood, seeing all the neighbors I'd seen growing up. I loved it, even though some of those neighbors had heard the rumors.

There was a problem w/ the job. I didn't know then that problems w/ jobs are inevitable and you have to solve them or work around them somehow. I wish I'd tried harder instead of quitting. Never did find my way back into my neighborhood again, but drifted off to Ft. Lauderdale, then Tamarac, then Margate.

Oh yeah, one other chance I passed over a lousey $50/mo in rent. I should have dug in on moving into an appartment back there instead of giving in to my husband and moving into a neighborhood he'd only spent a year in.

People are smarter than they seem sometimes. In the short term, they might believe all kinds of outlandish tings. But just don't even dignify those rumors w/ your indignation, if you know what I mean. Just keep on being who you are and the smarter and more worthy of your old friends and family will figure it out.

I suppose I'd sum it up as this; make sure you take the time to set your priorities and stick w/ them. You're the only one who can decide how much any of those relationships is worth to you, what you need to get out of them and the liklihood of your getting it.

If I had it to do over again, I'd have stuck it out in Lyons Park at just about any cost. Wouldn't take back insisting on respect and sincere affection from my mom, even though I never got it and chucked the relationship.

The Constitution of the United States is a law for rulers and people equally in war and peace. And covers with the shield of it's protection all classes of men at all times and under all circumstances.
--US Supreme Court, Ex Parte Milligan

[Alice Clearman]

I'm so sorry to read your story! You don't say anythng about your mom. Is she supportive of you? Evidently not.

Ginger very wise. I've read many of her posts. Heed her advice and get on with your life. Are you almost 18? If not, you will be!

Your life is yours. If you let an asshole get you upset, you are actually handing control of your emotional life to him. Does that make sense? I know it's hard, but your life is YOUR life. You get out there and do well in school and find something you love and do it like hell. Be kind, work hard, and do the right thing.

As Ginger said, the people who know you will know what is a lie about you and what is true. Hold your life, your intelligence, your talents as the best thing you have!

Also, expect him to be a complete jerk. If you expect him to be horrible, you'll never be surprised! Don't tell yourself that he shouldn't treat you that way, etc. Tell yourself, "well, there he goes again, being himself."

I wonder if a part of what you're dealing with is the fact that your mom chose him and it may feel like abandonment for her to stay with him. If he's abusive - if he beat you up - it's her job to kick his sorry ass out and protect you. If she's not, then that may cause you to feel like she chose him over you.

I hope you'll just develop all the great things about you and let go of hoping something will change. The only thing you have control over - the only thing you can change - is you. Your beliefs and feelings. Your actions. If you believe he should not treat you that way, you'll be upset. I'm repeating myself!

Just work at developing yourself, appreciate the good things about you, and don't get pregnant!  :scared:

You can make your life a wonderful thing. The best revenge is doing well.

Good luck to you, Dear!

On 2004-04-09 13:38:00, socialdeviant wrote:

"My stepdad is a complete asshole, who lied his way for my to get shoved into Northwest Behavioral Center, then kicked me out, and now i am living with my sister (that part is cool). but he told my exboyfriend that i said he raped me, told my mom i was a slut, and told my brothers and sisters all of the above and more. now my brothers and sisters did not believe most of the bs, but the fact is, my stepdad still said it. he is such a hypocritical fuck, and sooo full of shit. he has ruined so much in my life, and now i am expected to just be ok with that now that i am out of 'treatment' :mad: to top it all of the bastard beat the shit out of me before sending me to treatment, spread rumors about me through a very small town, made my depression into a show (said i cut myself for attention, even though i hid it for 4 years), and told me i was nothing and no one would ever love me, which is fine, because apparently i am not able to love anyone myself. how the fuck am i supposed to deal with him and my family, who comes to his defense in his presence, but talks crap behind his back, and am i the only one with the balls to stand up to him? yes, and that has put me on the with my family. help. sorry so long...
"

[notworking]

I am so sorry you're having these problems now.  I think one of the things you can take away from this is that parents and other adults do not have all -- or even most -- of the answers.  Once you can rid yourself of the belief that ANY of this behavior -- your stepdad's or your mom's -- comes from some sort of wisdom or because you deserve it, you're going to feel a lot better about yourself.  I'm sure it hurts that your mom is not taking charge of this situation.  She should.  

Also, know that you WILL survive this.  What doesn't kill us makes us stronger and I used to think I'd end up Arnold Schwartenegger with all the crap I had to put up with.  So you're not alone and people do survive.  

I think the key here is to make HIM look like the nut job he is without making yourself look bad.  So, there is nothing wrong with saying to someone "I am not going to listen to you verbally abuse me.  When you're ready to get yourself under control, we can continue this discussion."  If you can do this calmly, everyone around will see that you're acting like an adult and he's throwing a temper tantrum.  

Another thing you might want to tell him -- preferably in front of someone else -- is that his interest in your sex life or lack thereof is positively CREEPY.  And if anyone brings the stuff he's said up to you, I'd just say something like "Yeah, he's been telling people all kinds of stuff like that.  Isn't that really weird, not to mention, GROSS?  I mean, he's married to my MOM."  That's all you've gotta say and I bet most people will either commiserate or just drop it.  

You didn't say, but I'm a bit concerned about whether he's pressuring you sexually.  That would certainly be consistent with the other behavior you're talking about -- interest in your sex life, setting up situations in which other people won't believe you, and trying to convince you that no one would ever love you.  If that's the case, you need to tell an adult outside of the situation.  It's embarassing and painful, but it needs to come out.

As for the cutting, why?  Are you cutting because you feel numb and the physical pain is comforting?  Is it because you feel like your emotions are so huge you can't deal with them and the cutting allows you to refocus?  Generally, SM (self-mutilation) is a sign that you've got some serious stuff going on internally.  Do you still have access to counselors?  Have you talked to them about it?  Treatment for the problems that cause SM often includes group therapy and you can find lots of groups online, but you probably ought to have a real person available as a resource in case things get really bad.  

Hang in there.  Let us know how you're doing.

[Nihilanthic]

I just hope to god she isn't in one of thos programs right now  :cry:

[Anonymous]

http://www.mhsanctuary.com/borderline/

This site has some good information on self injury.
You will find there are BB and chat rooms devoted to this subject; as well as a lot of books and articals if you do a little clicking around.

I am sorry to hear your step Dad is so ignorant and hostile. I hope he soon somehow learns how dameging his words and actions are, and cares enough to do some changin'.

[Anonymous]

You could always show up at your Step Dads work or house and protest his sorry ass. Just make a few signs and let the firworks begin.  It will put a big smile on your face, and you won't be the victum anymore...............

[Anonymous]

On 2004-04-29 15:52:00, Anonymous wrote:

"http://www.mhsanctuary.com/borderline/



This site has some good information on self injury.

You will find there are BB and chat rooms devoted to this subject; as well as a lot of books and articals if you do a little clicking around.



I am sorry to hear your step Dad is so ignorant and hostile. I hope he soon somehow learns how dameging his words and actions are, and cares enough to do some changin'.









"

Karen Burnett, is that you, again?  Do you have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) or know someone who does (ergo the link to BP Sanctuary?)

BPD is a serious disorder and no child suffering from it or any other serious mental illness should EVER EVER EVER be put in a behavior modification program.  I certainly hope you know this.

 :silly: