One of the most difficult things about online discussions is the lack of contextual clues to indicate intent, emotion, attitude, concern, reproach, disgust, confusion, and a full range of human emotions.
Let me be perfectly clear, I have neither the inclination nor the time to indict, impune, accuse, discredit, deflate, or in any other way intentionally offend anyone who posts here.
There is no doubt in my mind that we all remember the same issues differently, our access to information was/is limited severely and with intent. Our viewpoints are all differnent and each of them is valid.We have all heard rumours, we have all blocked out memories, and speaking for myself- I have likely remembered some things in ways that make them easier to cope with today.
I understand that emotions run high, especially for people who are just coming to the 'surface' and beginning to escape a cult induced personality. For my own part, I had a complete nervous breakdown, hopsitalized myself, and continue in therapy today a year and a half after I first posted to this forum.
If I post something that runs counter to another persons memory, or perception, it is not an attack, that is what we did in the cult, and what I most certainly try to avoid today. Rather, my posts are here as a contribution, an attempt to share what I can recall, with the hope that together we can eventually form a collective and accurate understanding of what happened, who it happened to, who executed the actions, and who was or is responsible for the nightmare.
I own my own actions, I took steps in the bathroom that were wrong, and I have fully admitted what I did, to the best of my ability to recall it. However, outside of that event, I did not torture newcomers, I did not deny people food, I made conscious and concerted efforts to help people, in the best way I knew how at the time. The fact that my intentions were good, does not exhonerate me, anymore than it does any of us who ended up either on staff or in our upper phases carrying out the orders of those above us.
I have a clear memory of the day when Dave Buttermer left the staff. It was extremely emotional for the group, people were crying profusely- there was a special rap that night and MR. B led it. He told us lots of bullshit, and he was gone. This occured sometime in 1984 to the best of my memory.
My Sister went and worked for him at a local girls school after he left the staff. I cannot recall what she did there, but she was still on her phases- on fourth I think.
Mr. Tilly served as an executive prior to my entry in Dec 83, this information came from Alan Brown, and he returned sometime after Buttermer left. There was a short period when we had no director, and I think the Helen Morton, Ann Crow, and Maria Milnichuck(sp?) collectively operated the program during that period.
When Mr. Tilly returned to staff the character of the program grew progressively more abusive and aggressive. I do not in anyway mean to say that Dave Buttermer was a 'good guy' or that his reign of terror was any better than anyone elses.
At some point under Mr. Tilly Kris's Parents began to serve as an intake co-ordinator, and staff psychiatrist. After Kris's mom or along with her, Jane Culinane also served as an intake co-ordinator.
There is every possibility that my memory is blurred and confused with 19 years between then and now.
I take eveything I read here with a GIANT grain of salt. I try to approach everthing that I read with the attitude that each of is operating with the best information we have at hand, but that we are also operating with limited access to a 'big picture' that might be available to someone like Ann Crow, or Dave B, or even Mr. Tilly.
I patently refuse to take deep or personal offense to anything that people have to say, but I will continue express myself as best I can, in the continued hope that my words can somehow heal a few of the wounds I might have inflicted, both on others and myself.
This all breaks down to a large degree when someone anonomously posts the old 'grow up move on and suck it up' bullshit. But I try my best to simply ignore that, or at least respond with some compassion.
As far as the bathroom incident goes- to date I am the only person posting here who was in the room, and I don't hold that title with any distinction or pride. I will burst forth with joy is someone else who was in the room can enlighten me about what I have blocked out or forgotten. I will also remain firm in my conviction that we did not draw blood, nor did we break any bones, although that is no badge of courage to my eyes.
