1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for
sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with
friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip
Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally
with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a
camcorder to your TV and then
pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your
food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe
your grub."
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra
dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog."
15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers
running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned
up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what
YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet
as part of your "astronaut
training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and
sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your
airspace."
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure
the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying
everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific
papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations,
and see if people play along to avoid the appearance
of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your
backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider
person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in
accordance with prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote
control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your
sentences, producing awkward
silences with the impression that you'll be saying
more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping
your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the
ink cartridge across the
room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every
action in a nasal Howard
Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people
are green, and insist to others that you "like it that
way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire
FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's
backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first
page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next
Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make
a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of
every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over
climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply
eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and
reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all
of someone's roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy
assassination/UFO/ O.J
Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times:
"Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone
now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners
for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as
"Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your
socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells,
Batman smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they
read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and
talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping
on the bottom of your chin. When
nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and
repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your
imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place
the cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect
a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture,
informing the curious that you
don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in
co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the
Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your
head like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the
time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until
September.
83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the
great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim
it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce
each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at
passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim
the faster speed is necessary because of your
"superior mental processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant
"swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your
"imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem
doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then
scribble their answers
in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological
profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a
"magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front
lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan"
people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
