don't you all get tired of BITCHING about the Big Bad?

[aintnoflolbozy]

Ok, I had it kinda bad in Elan in the early 80's ... I went thru shit for reasons that were untrue. I was degraded and humiliated and screamed at and called names I didn't deserve. I wore 7 heavy signs on my neck at one time with 2 dunce caps because I was so depressed and weighed down I floundered one day in school.
Instead of reaching out and helping me I was screamed at infront of the entire house and guest visitors that I was going to amount to nothing and I cared about nobody and that I was basically a cheap floozy (um! how can you be a floozy as a 15 yr old virgin who hated flirting!??)...

so guess what? Lynda was a raving BITCH to me... but guess what else???

WHO CARES!!!!!

What I learned was to live my life no matter what people say, especially people who don't really know me at all. That when some maniac is screaming in my face... I can wait my turn and you DAMN WELL KNOW that any Elanite will blast the shit out of anyone that dare try to get in a yelling match with you! It taught me to wait my turn because it will come.

It taught me that when I am feeling alone and beaten I can get up and make it through no matter what they do to me.

It taught me to be a kinder person who doesn't JUMP to conclusions.

It taught me to be less selfish, more honest and more forgiving...

because I didn't get those things at Elan and I realized how important and fundimental they are to all of us.

SO my shitty experience was worth it. I am not a crazy juvi deliquent anymore. I don't do drugs - I rarely drink. I married a really nice man who knows me deep down and all my secrets and I can trust I won't be hurt or turned on. I have a beautiful boy whom I admire for his eagerness of spirit...

most of all I love myself now. I really do. I have so much respect for myself for getting through all that Elan crap without totally breaking down.

And if that is the only thing i were to take away from elan that it was fucking worth it.

******************************************

What I won't do is WASTE my life BITCHING and complaining about something from almost 20 years ago!!!! It happened. It sucked. It's over - move on.

Life is NOW ... not way back then!

How can you live happy and be free of that if you are hanging on so tight?

Let the bastards rest in peace - who cares!!!!!!!!?

Do you think after you left elan they gave a second thought about you?

yet you spend a decade - or 2 - or 3 thinking about them why ?? is it that important to live so fucking angry???

LET IT GO. It's done. You can't erase it or change the past.

Good Luck to all of you who won't let go. I hope atleast you don't do that in all the areas of your life- or you are really wasting your life!

*no I am not a preacher or religious or have any association with Elan or any fucking school like that!

[Marina]

I hear you, you've moved on. And so did many ppl who still go to this site and talk about shit. Just because we have moved on, it doesn't mean that we've erased all the pain we've been through. It feels nice and relieving to take a moment and share your experiences with ppl that have been through the same shit. Both good and bad. I'm sure most memories are aweful, well, Elan wasn't particularly an enjoyable place afterall, but it was a part of our lives. Elan was a deep experience to most people, although it might have taught people some lessons, although it might have changed people's lives, it did some damage as well and it has left scars.
 
  I don't know about you guys, but I find it rather difficult to talk about it with my friends because they don't completely understand the Elan concept. So I'd rather talk about my experiences with people that have lived it, understand it and feel the same way.

   Anyways, this site is not only to bash Elan, there's lots of people that are seeking old friends, people that want to give everybody a quick update on what they are doing with their lives, I mean, you cannot generalize. And of course, just because they talk about Elan on a negative way, after many years, that doesn't mean they are a bunch of loosers who haven't been able to move on with their lives. Open your mind, there's a lot more to it than you think.

   Peace!
       Marina

[Anonymous]

Marina

You hit the nail  square on the head !

Very eloquently too.

It took over 25  plus years before I could shirk off the damage that elan inflicted upon me . No longer do I accept myself as a second class citizen.(as elan had me believe)

Sure I still have panic attacks and nightmares that i attribute to elan .I have had them ever since leaving elan .

I can now talk about elan in a matter of fact way ,with out going into a serious downward depressive sprial .

It is odd how having elan thrown back up in my face in the year 2000 (curtesy of the news and newspapers in reference to elan/Skakel)which was the trigger   or key that unlocked the memories that I had sealed up for what I thought was for good .

I could not shut down the flowing of those memories and it took about 4 months for them to stop. The doctors call this PSTD .It was a most painful experience to have to relive elan all over again .

During that time I almost lost the things that are most important to me including my life .It seemed that I could not find anyone who could understand what I was talking about ,and that hurt the most .

I believe I drove Mr.Mike Sweeny and his colleagues of the Greenwich Time nuts with my phone calls . Though Mr. Sweeny did assure me that my letter that was sent to him by way of a Mr. Jackman Wilson of the Registar Guard ,in Eugene Or., was given to the owner of the New York Times (the owner lives in the Greenwich Time area ). And that this man would read it .

Yes I was in a bad way .

After leaving elan I never seemed to be able to hold a job or stick with anything for any longer than three months .My most abusive shotdown lasted three months (go figure ).

The longest job I held was a pizza runner ,almost 14 months .the only job I really liked was being an accident investagator for a co that did research for the insurance institute .

One thing I did find was my dream of being a musican (guitar ) Which due to how musicans were treated in my time (at elan )I did not start pursing until the age of 25. At age 31 I audition at a very good music school and to my amazement I got in (with no formal music training .)Sure I took about 6 lessons from Tim Reynolds (plays with the Dave Matthews Band)and I reckon those lessons took .  

That and the fact that I am a firm believer in God and prayer which without I do not think that i would have survived any years after elan .I know it was not just me ,I have had help from something much greater than me .I have to give credit where I feel it is due .There are many times that I should have been dead .

Just ask Mr. Aitays daughter (he was the first chair, violinist) for the Chicago Symphony about that car wreck that happened near Airport road in Portland  in 76 .Her boyfriend the sewer was driving ,and driving drunk .That wreck disfigured my face .

I saw the cop who cleaned up the accident (we had already gone to the hospital because I flagged down a passing car by removing my shirt to show them that i was injured and they slammed on the brakes and said "you look like you have been shot"and I told them it was a wreck there are 2 other people .I thought Tom was dead and also the sewer ,yet insane as it sounds the sewer was out of the car and had the hood up trying to find out why it would not start . Tom broke his arm in 3 different places .) he offered his condolences to me for the passenger that had been killed ,the one sitting next to the right front seat door .

I told him that was me .He said no way not that type of wreck and the amount of blood . It was most odd he would not believe me .

The wreck itself is a whole nother story which I remember vividly to this day even to the song that was playing on the (yes )8 track tape player .I was alert thru the whole experience  it was intense and no need to bore you all with it .

The Skakel/elan thing was the carthesis (sp)that literally freed me from the demon strings that elan wrapped me in .

My point is that once I recovered from the acute PSTD. (they say you never really recover )My life has become mine .I have worked for the same builder (houses )for over 2 and half years.

I started as their punchout man .I have rapidly moved up in this Co. to where I am now a superentendant and last year I built 20 houses for my Co. These are homes that average between 2100 square feet to 2700 square feet . I love my job

I deal with a multitude of subcontractors . I oversee the clearing of the lot ,call for all inspections and do the walk thrus with the home buyers .I oversee every aspect of that persons home as it is built .

I provide housing for people . Many people are first time home buyers who have good jobs and are ready to settle down and raise a family . I am an asset to society . I stimulate the economy .

Talk about the positive economic "butterfly effect " that my job produces . That is probably another very boring concept that you all can think about on your own ,that I won't go into,to  the relief of many .

I really should write Mr. Skakel a letter and thank him for putting elan in the news . In a weird way I do owe him a letter .(plus from what i know first hand about elan I am now not convinced that he did the deed ).

I do not know if I have been able to express how I went from a second class citizen ,just barely alive ,barely eeking out a living ,homeless briefly in 2000 (it was hell for 25 plus years)


I post on these boards because there are many of my friends that are dead ,in my opinion from having JUST come incontact  with elan .There are people that I saw lose their minds in elan and now roam the earth as emotional cripples . And there are people in my opinion that are in prison also for just having come incontact with elan .

These people do not have a voice . I have found mine and yes I do speak for those that have not found theirs  . I am also a witness for them as to what happened to them while they were in elan.

No one should have had to go thru what I went thru and what the  many others  suffered at the hands of elan and its henchmen kruglik ,gottlieb ,mccann,zaretsky (personally i believe ricci killed himself cause he was so (in my opinion )insane to begin with .

The lawyers that defend elan also in my opinion are certain mouth pieces from hell .They too should follow the aforementioned men into prison where I believe (my opinion)that elan's henchmen  should be going .

Marina  thank you for  your post and allowing me to tell y'all who I am and what i do for society besides just doing the 2 fingered typewritting that i do at this keyboard .

To the folks that have not been able to find their voices and are still suffering the chronic effects of elan . I honestly pray that you find peace .

Sorry Ginger that i am making such a long darn post and to those that merely believe that i am just tooting my own horn as to how great my life is . Well it has only become really good in the past 3 years and I have had a lot of assistance (all the folks connected or have ever been associated  with the Trebach Institute  esp Wes and Arnold and all the positive people on this board that also feel that elan needs to be shutdown and made to become insolvent ) from my friends . As well as people like Mr. Sweeny of the Greenwich Time . And the people that I work with .

Yes it feels good to toot your own horn once in a while especially since my tooting is real and true .




And kenny bans parents that have children that elan has savagely twisted up inside who are begging for help. What a freaking mind warping shame .

some people like kenny in my opinion can't handle the truth .  kenny makes me realize just how much of a brainwashing CULT elan really is .


Peace

Matt C. Hoffman





 

 



[ This Message was edited by: Matt C. Hoffman on 2004-01-29 18:13 ]

[Matt C. Hoffman]

the previouse post is mine ,come on one that long from me .y'all know I got bumped off at least 3 times .

Oh and to  nobodies floozy you asked who cares .?

you can bet your sweet bippy  that I certainly do !

[Cayo Hueso]

On 2004-01-29 17:45:00, Matt C. Hoffman wrote:


you can bet your sweet bippy  that I certainly do !"

Matt...are you giving away your age?
 :grin:
Laugh In.

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.

--Clarence Darrow

[Matt C. Hoffman]

Cayo

I thought it would have been the 8 track tape player that would have done that

eheheh

Matt

[Pete]

Matt,

You should have written to me when I ran the Greenwich Post.  Mike Sweeney is a pompous jackass.  He misleads the people of Greenwich at least 2-3 times a week.

If I had to vote for Asshole of the Year, I would vote for Mike Sweeney.

[Cayo Hueso]

On 2004-01-29 18:23:00, Matt C. Hoffman wrote:

"Cayo



I thought it would have been the 8 track tape player that would have done that



eheheh



Matt"

I guess I missed that one.  I remember my mom getting our first brand new car and we were so excited to have an 8 track.  Shit.......now I do feel old.

Legalizing drugs is far from a panacea for all the distress caused by drugs, but it will eliminate most of the profit and corruption from the drug trade.

--Nobel laureate, Gary S. Becker

[Matt C. Hoffman]

Well Petey

Considering that muckraking piece you did on Skakel (Skakel complains about his conditions in prison)

And you know people in prison  read the news papers . What were you trying to do, make conditions worse for Mike or just get him killed?

And considering how many times I have tried to get in contact with you thru e-mails . And you have3 never bothered to get back to me >

and considering how far you go to suck up to kenny (just read your  publik posts on THAT site
and how i know you have no clue as to who he really is , which unfortunately I have you at a dis advantage .

You can bet your most  non journalistic ass that I am most certainly glad that I did not get in touch with you ,when i was freaking out .



Mr. Sweeny  of the Greenwich time treated me with compassion and kindness . During a most painful time in my life .

Sounds like ur a little jealous of Mr. Sweeny

[Pete]

Matt
"Petey?"  Yeah, you're really mature.

That piece on Skakel was fed to me by his own cousin in hopes of getting him out of solitary.  He had his motives, I had mine -- I wanted a story.  It was completely fair and balanced.  I would never try to hurt Michael Skakel or anybody else connected to the case, for that matter.  That's the trouble with some members of the Skakel family -- they alienate EVERYONE, even those who might be useful to their cause.  As for Skakel's innocence or guilt, I don't know who did it.  

INCIDENTALLY, shortly after I wrote that piece, Michael Skakel got his wish and was transferred to MacDougall, where he said he would have more access to dental care and be able to see his son.  I don't know if my piece had anything to do with it, but it probably didn't hurt.

I never received an e-mail from you.  If I did, I would have replied promptly.  You must have me mistaken with someone else.  Or maybe you had an email address that I no longer used (I've had a few of those).  But you're hostility at another survivor of Elan is puzzling... and stupid.

Michael Sweeney is NO ONE to be jealous of.  He glosses over corrupt politicians in town, endorses manipulative government practices, ignores obvious news and comments far too often on national and international issues (like anyone's going to give a shit what the fucking Greenwich Time thinks about Saddam Hussein).  That's the problem with the Tribune papers in Connecticut -- they ignore the little people.  Mike Sweeney may have patted you on the head and read you a story and been compassionate, but did he ever quote you?  NO!  He probably thought you were a joke.

Read another story I wrote, while you're at it.  Dated Jan. 29, 2000.  Headline: "THE REHAB: Former Elan residents cite patterns of abuse."  Written when I was 22 years old and had no concept of a conflict of interest.  Then call me a suckup, an asshole and what-have-you.  I fucking dare you.

Ken Zaretzky is my friend and why shouldn't he be?  He's been kind and nice to me.  I happen to know a little bit about why you resent him, but quite frankly, that's between you and him.  Your campaign to get everyone rallied against him in the process reflects nothing more than a lingering resentment you never dealt with.

Anyway, I'm not the enemy.  Damn, there's some fucked up people who went to Elan.  There's some real heroes and good people too though.  To which category do you belong?

[Anonymous]

Art,

Affirmation is a very powerful  thing .I can certainly relate to what you said when you have memories locked up tight in the vault of your mind and then something triggers those tumblers to fall and the door swings open so fast that you are literally knocked down ,and knocked down hard .

And when you finally stand up you just can't shut the door to that vault. No matter how hard you struggle,push  and shove ,it just wont close (cause brother I did not want to remember elan at all .)

Those memories that you have not thought of in 25 some years just come flyin out like a million dollars worth of single  bills being pushed by cyclone from the depths of your mind .  And then some one says "oh that was so long ago just get over it " And you realize  just how alone you really are .

God it was pure hell.You know you are not crazy cause after all they are just memories ,you try to tell yourself. Memories can't hurt you .And then you realize that they are memories of pain .

They reduce you to tears .you can't sleep cause the thoughts flashing across your mind won't let you .you can't eat cause these unwanted thoughts make you nausaeous . you lose weight 20 or so pounds .

Then the memories get organized. For me it seemed like a movie of  the events that transpired over a two year period . You don't know where to turn. you try to talk about it with people who you think can help you ,your friends . you can't get them to understand .

The skull becomes a prison.

some of the things that you remember are so twisted that you laugh hysterically and then the next minute you realize no freaking way .yet that stuff did happen.  

It goes on for months and months . you are litterally freaking out and you are also so amazed at what is happening to you .

Yes I am most grateful to Mr. Mike Sweeny of the Greenwich Time . He basically just listened to me .Talked to me about guitars .he listened and then I told Mr. Sweeny about the letter that i had written to Jackman Wilson of the Register Guard, Eugene Or.

He asked me if he could have a copy of that letter .I told Mike that Mr.Wilson had my only copy .Mr. Wilson asked me for my permission to fax it to him .

It was a scathing indictment against elan and its henchmen due to having read an article by an AP writer where ricci was quoted as saying (in reference to at the time, the Skakel investigation)And I quote "why don't they let this investigation be a by gone.The Kennedy family has suffered severe  tradgey .They have gone from Camelot to Dantes Inferno ."

(A moment of granduer if you will ) I would like to believe that ricci had this letter read to him and then made the decision to kill himself cause his house of pain was going down .

And the reason I would like that moment was after his death one of ricci's mouthpieces said we thought he had beaten the cancer (lung )and of course he was creamated no chance for a toxicology screening .

Oh yeah I know its off the wall ,but it sounds so cool .Ricci was a very insane person,who knows .

For me Art the printed words Dantes Inferno .ricci's favorite words ,his stroke words if you will .they were the words the exact words that turned thoses tumblers in my minds vault .

I think   the article was written 2000 Jan 23 a sunday if i remember (you know I'm so old the blood just doesn't quite reach the brain like it use to ,snicker .snicker ) I wrote my letter on 1-27-00.

I think my letter was my attempt at trying to shut that darn vault door . My letter started off

Mr. Joe Ricci needs to be reminded that not only
has the Kennedy family suffered severe tradgey ,many people and their families have also suffered
severe tradgies  for just having come in contact with his program ....

It was a letter from the gut.

Once again I thank Mr. Mike Sweeny of the Greenwich Time for his kindness and compassion during my time of serious freak out  .

Yes Art We have survived serious pains of hell .During elan and many years after elan when it raised its ugly head and crept back into our lives .

Art you are doing what you have to do for all the right reasons . This story has got to end .

Peace

Matt

[Matt C. Hoffman]

Of course the previous post is mine . Who would think any different .

Peace

Matt

[Matt C. Hoffman]

To answer the person who started this thread .I find  this site to be very helpful in the continued  healing from the damage done by elan and its henchmen .

Afterall  there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about someones freaky abusive situation that happened in that hell hole . Or feel the effects of elans demon strings trying to pull me down .

And besides if we talked about this stuff in elan as it was going down we surely would have paid a price . elan and its henchmen are simply reaping what they have sown,their just deserts .
 

Sow ice and you harvest fire .



Peace

Matt

[Pete]

Art, thanks for responding.

Yes, I do feel I'm objective to all opinions.  Not that I'm a journalist on here, I'm just another survivor/alum/whatever.  The only thing that irritates me is when someone says "Elan meant x, y and z to me," and someone else comes along and says "No it wasn't, you're full of shit."  I like Ken a lot but I certainly don't agree on everything with him.  As I told someone else on here, I'm not a "Ken" or anything.  Ken is a Ken.  I am a Pete.  

And Matt, I certainly respect your admiration for Mike Sweeeney.  You probably would have gotten further if you'd come to me -- I would have given the story to someone to avoid a conflict of interest, but you'd probably be quoted.  It's just that there's few people I dislike more than Mike Sweeney because he is an influence on opinions in this town.  In that respect, he is totally disconnected, if not flat out dishonest.  And for an editorial page editor, that is unacceptable.

[Marina]

Matt, I totally agree with you. As I was reading one of your messages, I found myself in tears just thinking of all the pain that is associated with Elan.

   Thank you for sharing your stories with us, I'm sure we've all been through a rough time recovering from Elan. I know I did, but ever since I've been back to Rio, I've been able to rebuild my life and I'm working hard on it because it's an ongoing process and I still have to live with the painful memories of my past.

   Definitely it feels better to talk about the pain than to cover it all up with repression and live on denial. When you open your eyes and face your reality, it's easier to get rid of the weight upon your shoulders and live your life on a rather positive manner. It only takes a few minutes a day... to remember all the pain that we've been though in Elan... so we don't have to think of it for the rest of the time.

   Anyways, I better go, it's a beautiful day and the beach is waiting for me...

   Peace!
     Marina