Treatment Abuse, Behavior Modification, Thought Reform > The Troubled Teen Industry
My 16 year old daughter's first love
Anonymous:
One you didn't mention was "The Mastery of Love" by don Miguel Ruiz. Awesome read.
Anonymous:
You wrote about his good looks and his not being without anything. It really is about what's underneath, his soul. Most teens are about their looks, what other's think of them and being accepted by their peers. If he's in a good RTC, BM, then he will find a place where those things don't matter, it will be about what fills his heart or his passion. An effective RTC will give him so much more than getting clean. He and his parents will have the opportunity to re-build their relationship, communication and trust. It's hard work. It is to take a look at yourself and it sounds like you're worried about him not liking his parents. If he's not in a place that focuses on rebuilding the family, he may well take off and never come home. It's not just him, it's the whole family that caused the challenges. If his parents don't see that, it won't create the outcome they are hoping for.
Healthy communication is the key.
Cayo Hueso:
--- Quote ---On 2004-01-29 20:09:00, Verity wrote:
"Ok, I registered so if anyone wants to PM me, here I am, the Mom who started this thread. Someone said this....
"People that need saving aren't good romantic partners."
I can't agree with that statement. Bad things happen to good people. Maybe I spent too much of my own life helping the walking wounded, and my daughter has learnt this behavior from me, but KINDNESS is not a bad quality in a person. If you believe that "what goes around comes around", then you help people, not because you want a romantic relationship with them, but if it happens that you fall in love with them along the way, what's wrong with that? Sh*t happens
--- End quote ---
No, kindess is not a bad quality...but I think the point that was being made is that someone who feels that they cannot go on without the person they love is most certainly not healthy emotionally. This will have a very definite effect on your daughter. It is a way for him to control her or his situation. Yes, he sounds like a fairly normal teen that got into some serious shit with drugs...no, I don't believe HE needs to be in a program BUT...I think Frod said (forgive me if I got the name wrong) that it's probably both that he wants to manipulate AND that where he is is a shithole that he's DESPERATE to get out of.
--- Quote ---
Someone also said: "And *why* is she looking for a partner she needs to save/mother/rescue?"
--- End quote ---
Can't choose who we love, but it might not hurt to have a serious talk with her about how much of her life she'll be giving up should she choose to be in a relationship with ANYONE that needs rescuing (chronic rescuing...everyone needs a little rescuing every now and then in life).
--- Quote ---Someone also said: "She should be shooting for a guy who's about the same level of attractiveness, intelligence, prospects as she has---and should have no trouble finding such dates."
I remind her often that he is not the same person, that he will have changed since he went away and that they will probably find they have grown apart, but she doesn't believe me. And what impresses me about her determination to stand by him regardless, is THAT is exactly what TRUE love is all about. Why would I want to destroy that part of her called LOYALTY, even if it is misplaced? She will learn if it is misplaced in her own time. I cannot force her to give him up, I can only GUIDE her, by making her think twice about certain things.
--- End quote ---
Seems like you've got that one figured out nicely!
--- Quote --- What is REALLY starting to concern me (apart from my fears that he will not even survive the ordeal, but let's not go there) is that this boy will want nothing more to do with his parents after he gets out. That's what I am beginning to understand from you folks. That's a major concern. Where will he go? How will he survive?
--- End quote ---
Ya know, I appreciate the fact that you're a kind person and you want to help, but you can't take on the responsibility for him, nor can your daughter. His parents made their own beds, as far as the relationship with their son. He will be out one day and he'll realize what was done to him.
If he's as bright as you say and as popular as you say, he'll land on his feet with some friends until he can get his shit back together. If he doesn't get his shit together then your daughter is going to have to make some hard decisions about her life.
I'm glad you posted here. Hold on to the relationship you seem to have built with your daughter. The majority of this sounds like pretty typical teenage behavior...on your daughter's part and the boyfriends. Someone else here said that the majority of kids have used drugs/alcohol by high school and it doesn't mean that they ALL need treatment. In my opinion, only a small minority do...most need the love, discipline and UNDERSTANDING of decent parents who spend time nurturing a relationship from the start...not parents who try to create one in a panic when the kid hits the tough spots in life, or worse, send them off so someone can "fix" what THEY "broke" in the first place.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use
--Galileo Galilei
--- End quote ---
Anonymous:
Verity, your mastery of Parenting 101 is quite impressive. Kudos to you for seeing your daughter and this young man as individuals who have a right to their own thoughts and feelings. Hopefully, these 2 kids will emerge from this experience with the kind of *battle scars* that build character because let's face it, if life really was a bowl of cherries, there would be no need for how-to books and Dr. Phil would be looking for a new job!
As a sidenote, my own experience has taught me that when it comes to learning lessons, there is much to be gained from making mistakes. Parents who teach their kids HOW to problem solve and are consistent in setting appropriate boundaries, instill their children with a healthy sense of "self" which is necessary in order to learn how to self-correct before "going off the deep end". Communication is key and if anything, my advice would be to keep the communication lines open. Let your daughter and this young man know they can count on you to listen and on an as-needed basis, help guide them through the rough spots. Isn't that what we as adults, expect from other adults when we hit those road bumps on this journey called LIFE?
a
Anonymous:
There's a difference between someone who can use some kindness and someone who's broken and needs rescuing.
Kindness to wounded birds is good.
Any romantic relationship should wait for *after* they get their crap together.
From what you've said about this boy, he doesn't sound like your typical wounded bird.
As for where he'll go when he gets out, you'd be surprised. Our family knows someone who got stuck in one of these places for trivial reasons and we've already offered our guest room for her to get herself back together when she gets out---so her parents can't blackmail her into an over-18 program.
Being popular, he probably has several good friends whose parents don't agree with what happened to him and he may be able to move in with a friend while getting ready for the college entrance exams and applying for financial aid.
Even if his parents are rich and total putzes, he can get as much aid as he needs for school in loan form. Loan obligations on graduation are better than his other alternatives.
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