edited

[ehm]

[Therion]

Morli...Stephen has a sister named Stephanie Brooks (unless she got married) she is an atty in the San Antonio area..He gave me her business card and put his adress on there..and I cant fucking find it..I have moved out of state and back since then..

 I know for a fact he owns a computer...or at least he did...because he mailed me some things when he got out when I was still in...

 I remember he used to talk about you...quite a bit actually.Had I known that I ever would come into contact with you guys I would have made sure I kept that card..

 He really seems like a diffrent person than when he was on SR staff..I thought he was an evil shithead in straight...and when I think back I still...I mean its like hes 2 diffrent people in my mind....sometimes I dont like him..
but from the person he was in TDC hes really cool...all resentments aside..
 He didnt like to talk about straight at all..
I think he feels bad and I think mabey its something he just doesnt want to deal with or think about..which is why he relapsed I imagine..
Id be really really surprised if he doesnt find his way here sooner or later..Call his sister and youll find him
      Brad

[ehm]

i'll try getting in touch with her... he talked about me? really? wow... what did he say? hahaha... i've been worrying about him and trying to find him for so many years now.

brad, i want you to know that i'm not riding you in a mean way about anything, please know my words are meant with compassion. if you want we can talk on the phone, just say the word and i'll PM you my number.  ::heart::

If we think them not enlightened enough to exercise their control with a wholesome discretion, the remedy is not to take it from them but to inform their discretion by education

--Thomas Jefferson

[ehm]

p.s. i know the real steve, and he's the sweetest and funniest guy i'll ever know. i still remember opening a christmas present in front of his family. it was a combat boot, but inside the boot was a box with a diamond promise ring inside of it. the picture i posted here a while back was taken that night, and i was wearing his silver ring around my neck. it had a dove on it...

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/external-search?tag=circlofmiamithem&keyword=mark+twain&mode=books' target='_new'>Mark Twain

[Therion]

Lol its cool...Im taking care of my drinking problem...I have like 20 diff brand beers leftover from recent drinking exploits
so Im "disposing of it properly"
Lime sherbert Ice cream...beer...and weed :smokin:  :skull:

[Therion]

now dont you worry none
leave this part of yourself behind
im giving you back to yourself
so should you make the change?
or could you right them wrongs?
for I cannot replace where Im going

so you're angry with me?
what could be better my love?
have most of everything for yourself
hateful and deserved
charlie mansons eyes are looking through you
back to myself

so should I act my age?
or should I just right them wrongs?
for I cannot replace where Im going

[jnloar]

Morli,
Remember how crazy I was about sweet Stephen?  I knew I never had a chance because he was so crazy about you.  I remember our first real conversation about how I felt and how amazingly kind and understanding you were.  Why do I think we had that convo sitting in a closet somewhere? I also believe I know the true Stephen and it breaks my heart to think of him and how Straight took so much of him away.  He was my champion while I sat on fifth phase for over 18 months with Will Woods always telling me I was FOS and would not commence until I got honest.  Stephen was so dear to me - we went to school together out in Rockwall and he would drive me into the building and his pep talks about not giving in were like little presents for me.  I wish I knew what he ever saw in the crazed wench Tracy.  I remember driving him out to her house in BFE somewhere to get some of his stuff and she totally flipped and followed us down the street screaming trying to jump on the back of my car.  He did love you - it was always so apparent.  I remember some song by The Cure or The Smith's that he always said was Leslie's song but I cannot remember for the life of me what it was.  I loved him and Jeffery Spearman so much - they were so fine to me and they would both pull me out of raps if they knew that Will was going to try to confront me in front of group and let lower phasers confront me.  They both were so dear and had such true tenderness and goodness in their souls.  I know it was the guilt and confusion that came from having their souls stripped that led them to true addiction (as it seems to have done to so many others) once they left Straight.  They actually were instrumental in me finally getting the idea of brain washing wrapped around my brain and help to gain an understanding of how I could have ever been such a vicious bitch as a upper phaser and staff member.  I remember the deprogrammer that I worker with asking me one day if there was anyone in Straight that I truly thought was a good person who had just been made "evil" (which is how I saw myself) because of Straight.  Immediately I said Stephen Brooks and Jeffery Spearman.  We talked about how we had all succombed to the 'survival process' and become victims of the cultish ways.  I give some credit to those two beautiful souls with helping me find forgiveness for myself and be honest enough in these posts and others to state how much self hatred I felt and make amends to those I hurt because of that place.  I cried for hours when I read that Jeffery had OD'ed.  Just FYI...I looked up Stephanie in the Texas State Bar listing and she must have gotten married or stopped practicing because she is not listed as a practicing attorney in Texas.  I also have done some searching for Stephen in SA and found a few Stephen's and Steve's listed but have been too chicken shit to call them.  I worry that if he has gotten on his feet that any blast from the past would knock him down and I would never want to do that to him.  I will pass them on to you privately if you want them.  Take sweet care friend.
Jen

[Therion]

But thats alll he fucking did was confront people..Shit Jenn you were like that too..and Kathy David...
 And not all staff was like that...Shelly wasnt, Timmy Kemp wasnt...ok my list of the ones that werent is short..

 But it was apparant from the looks on your faces you took joy in it..It wasnt just for show..

 Or was it just that Certain staff was mean to certain kids?

 And the ones I think were mean were the ones assigned to me?

 Mabey if you could explain how caseloads were assigned ...and how that worked I could better understand..that it wasnt just certain people that were shitty..

 Because from my memory I remember some as really nice and some as really mean...

 I may play dumb sometimes but I remember alot more than I talk about....

[ This Message was edited by: Therion on 2004-01-16 00:05 ]

[Therion]

And plz dont feel bad Im just strictly speaking of straight..
I turned mean too eventually....

Just in Straight I was young and shellshocked...

Had I had my intake at 17 you guys would have seen a diffrent person..I have no doubt I would have been throwing chairs and breaking noses...and confronting people too mabey...its hard to say..

 If you talk to some of my ex girlfriends they might tell you Im verbally abusive..and mean..in fact I know they will...

So plz dont feel like Im playing angel here...

But plz plz can someone answer my questions about staff/ caseloads and who was told to do what?
 I ask Timmy sometimes but he diverts my questions hehe..Or mabey he wasnt "in the know" yet as trainee.
 I have lots of questions and now its like too late...theres no files..everyones faded off into...wherever they are...
 Feel free to PM if you dont want to post

[ This Message was edited by: Therion on 2004-01-16 00:13 ]

[Anonymous]

Will Woods is cool, but I liked Camerian Riley too.  Jeff Spearman and Bobby Gilbert were the big dicks to me.  But than again I have a lot of support notes from Bobby Gilbert.

[Therion]

Dammit you just skated my question again...

Dont derail my question...

Then we can go back to Steve locating...

[ This Message was edited by: Therion on 2004-01-16 00:26 ]

[Anonymous]

We had three teams, 1-2 phase, 3-4 phase, 5-aftercare.  I was on team 2 and I did sibling staff.  The only client I remember on my caseload was Tyler Owen.  I spent most of my time with siblings because I was the only sibling staff.  We were suspose to take our clients out for 1on1's each week and than write a report on them.  We had weekly team meetings to determine who moved on and how people were doing.  Lori Means was my team leader.  I was asked to confront Midlanders because they expected me to know facts about midland people.  But I didn't know anything.  I was on 1st-? phase when those people drank a beer, skipped school or did whatever to get put in there.
There was a dailey sechdule of who did what rap.  Each staffer was responable for their rap topic.  Only certain raps were suppose to be confrontational.  We had to ask exc staff for permission to do BS raps or rip someone during night rap.  They didn't want people to go home depressed, suicidal, etc.  I never understood that because OMRs were on Mon and Fri nights and those were the biggest rip raps of all.
As trainees we sorted through all the COC's and put them in different piles for the staff to deal with in group according to the issue at hand.
If there were only a few COC's of people reporting each other, we would get bitched at because that meant group was weak and we were not doing our jobs.  I told Ann Petito that Greg Peay should not be in Straight and she got pissy telling me to learn more about the disease.
Group was group.  And in group staff addressed who needed to be dealt with.  We wern't really assigned to yell at certain people on a regular basis.  When I did raps I called on Tyler Owen as much as possible so he could talk, move on and get the fuck out of there.  Some staff had their favorites to help and favorites to hurt.

[Therion]

I just dont buy the "I had to treat you like that" attitude that I have gotten from people.

 Thats a lie....I sat there and went through the same program..and I never treated anyone undignified...

 You cannot tell me that people didint enjoy it..I can read body language and sense everything you guys can just looking at someone..
but the same thing worked both ways..

 Some kids were fucking mean hearted...you Timmy dont have a mean bone in your body..You would make a horrible Gnagster rapper btw :lol:
 
 OK Im gonna go out on a limb further in my hopes to convince myself that these people felt pressured to do this...and did not take part in destroying my sense of selfe value for enjoyment..

 I go back and forth teetering on forgiveness and wanting revenge and Id really like to put a rest to it..

 You know how you would feel if someone fucked you in the ass when you were a little kid? and then you grew up and those people were still around?
 Thats how I feel to a lesser degree..
 I still hate myself and am neurotic from it..
not always but not many hours go by it doesnt cross my mind..
***By the way Tim, I apologize because you did already tell me this and I was so stoned I forgot talking about it to you..

Question # 2 Did you guys feel pressured to go on staff? Why did you stay there after the chains were unlocked..Especially to senior fucking staff?
 That fucks up the "I had to do it to get out" excuse..Because you stayed...you didint commense and then get out of there you fucking stayed
 I really wish Steve was around..so he could tell me..I got high with him thru a chain link fence many times...but I could tell he didint wanna talk about it and he played dumb...and I just let it go..we were in TDC and both white..that at the time was enough to put him on my side..in that situation I was worried about my day to day survival more than why staff at straight was mean to poor lil me..

 But now that I found the boards I have questions..

 If you guys would just say "look Brad, Im sorry...I was 19 and brainwashed"
 I will buy that.....
or even "Brad...I thought I was helping you"
 I might buy that with added subquestions
or "Brad, I did it because I think you are a fucking cunt"
 I can buy that too....

 And I can go on...

 But I just want to know. ANd Im gonna bug the shit out of whoever until i get my answer...

But the problem was the really mean people aint on Fornits..
 Jloar talked to me and expressed remorse just in case she had...but I dont remember her snapping on me...and its not the people that confronted me a few times...but the few that made my year hell...

[Anonymous]

Stephen was so dear to me

Stephen will always hold a special place in my heart. We were gay lovers, and he was the best I ever had!  :smokin:

[taureana]

I signed up to be on staff because I wanted to be like staff.

My whole life growing up I felt like I wasn't accepted or looked up to, and I wanted people to like me.  Since I made 3rd phase so late in the year, I couldn't go to school, and I didn't have a car or parents so I couldn't get a job either.  None of the host parents were helpful at all.  I worked one day with two guys at some place putting plants in cups or something.  But that was it.  I was stuck in group all fucking day all through 3rd and 4th phase.  

The next logical step just seemed to go on staff.  I confronted people rarely.  I cried every day.

I think that it would only make sense that staffers had favorites to like and favorites to dislike.  If there's a kid that you don't care for and you're having a bad day, who else to take it out on?  The one you don't like.  Is it right?  Hell no!  But a lot of the staffers were 18-20 something, had spent 2 years in that place, and didn't know anything else either.

I don't blame people for confronting me.  That was their job.  I blame people for being spiteful.  I liked Kathy David.  She was cool to me.  We became friends after straight.  Bob Burdman was a dick to me.  Craig McGinnis pissed me off a couple of times too.  Garrett Coy was great, Steve Brooks was good to me and so was Timmy.  Shelly Beavers had her good days and bad.  Jen Loar was a huge mega bitch.

It's the same with the clients.  I didn't know any of the guys closely, but I hated Carmen York, I loved to see her get ripped.  Merilee was my best friend for awhile in there and it killed me anytime someone "picked" on her.  I would cry every time Todd Townley got stood up too.  It broke my heart.