Author Topic: Journals from CEDU - Keep or Toss?  (Read 2748 times)

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Offline Loli

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Journals from CEDU - Keep or Toss?
« on: January 09, 2012, 06:20:48 PM »
My Mom just sent me boxes of all my stuff from a storage locker. Just came across the CEDU journals... holy pukerama. The journals I was forced to do for Table Time/Full time disgusts me most. All the topics - the questions posited that I HAD to answer - used leading, manipulative prompts that presumed unworthiness. I can see in my journals I was trying to assert myself against what I called "CEDU therapeutics."  I was trying to hold on to my own independent thoughts.  It is really upsetting to revisit them. I've only read a snippet here a snippet there... Torch? Keep?

Loli/Shanlea
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline none-ya

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Re: Journals from CEDU - Keep or Toss?
« Reply #1 on: January 09, 2012, 06:40:41 PM »
Get them all together post them online and then burn them in a big bonfire. I wish I would've saved on my moral inventories. They would've made for a great read today.
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Offline Loli

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Re: Journals from CEDU - Keep or Toss?
« Reply #2 on: January 09, 2012, 07:27:42 PM »
It's all hand written in pencil. Pages and pages and pages.... especially long were the journals when I was on table time. You sit on a bench in isolation all day every day for a few weeks.  They wouldn't let me off until I agreed to attend raps. I wouldn't. these were nothing more than primal group therapy to humilate, exploit and demean people.  The one goal of these writing assignments was to get me to admit I was worthless and dead without CEDU.  The pressure was intense to admit CEDU was my savior; I was being threatened with lock up (Provo) even though I never made the transgressions tow arrant an extreme choice.... What was also difficult is reading my issues with my Mom.  How inappropriate she was.  Basically setting me up for first drug experiences and letting me live with kids in 20s for weeks on end in 7th grade so she didn't have to deal with the mundane life of a mother. How unprotected I was and how obectified I was... she didn't teach me to value myself... It is so strange to compare that with how I mother my own kids. I had forgotten some incidences and now I am sort of sorry I read them. I have to remember that she doesn't re-write history and basically validates my view of things. The only thing we can't really talk about is CEDU for soem reason.  The sad thing was after table isolation and bans, I tried so hard to hang onto myself... but it wasn't enough.  None of mey swritings were of a defiant little shit brat; they were all just questioning the methods there... and how much fear I lived with in constant degradation. I sure which this package wasn't sent in the mail.

Maybe I will burn them in a big ass bonfire.
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Offline Ursus

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Re: Journals from CEDU - Keep or Toss?
« Reply #3 on: January 10, 2012, 12:39:28 PM »
Quote from: "Loli"
It's all hand written in pencil. Pages and pages and pages.... especially long were the journals when I was on table time. You sit on a bench in isolation all day every day for a few weeks.  They wouldn't let me off until I agreed to attend raps. I wouldn't. these were nothing more than primal group therapy to humilate, exploit and demean people.  The one goal of these writing assignments was to get me to admit I was worthless and dead without CEDU.  The pressure was intense to admit CEDU was my savior; I was being threatened with lock up (Provo) even though I never made the transgressions tow arrant an extreme choice.... What was also difficult is reading my issues with my Mom.  How inappropriate she was.  Basically setting me up for first drug experiences and letting me live with kids in 20s for weeks on end in 7th grade so she didn't have to deal with the mundane life of a mother. How unprotected I was and how obectified I was... she didn't teach me to value myself... It is so strange to compare that with how I mother my own kids. I had forgotten some incidences and now I am sort of sorry I read them. I have to remember that she doesn't re-write history and basically validates my view of things. The only thing we can't really talk about is CEDU for soem reason.  The sad thing was after table isolation and bans, I tried so hard to hang onto myself... but it wasn't enough.  None of mey swritings were of a defiant little shit brat; they were all just questioning the methods there... and how much fear I lived with in constant degradation. I sure which this package wasn't sent in the mail.

Maybe I will burn them in a big ass bonfire.
I would keep them.

Even though you may think that you understand it all by this point, that is, the mindfuckery that you went through and its net effects, I'd wager that there are several more layers left to parse.

And this goes not just for what you, personally, went through, but also as testimony for one more piece of the larger scheme of things, namely the indoctrination and inculcation of American youth, which, to my mind at least, is part and parcel of the larger social engineering experiment that the U.S. embarked on in the aftermath of World War II.

Personal testimony rendered not as memory, but as a record of an individual's efforts to process, comply with, and yet somehow rebel against these social experiments during the time in question are, without a doubt, priceless beyond what most would currently be able to recognize.

Just my personal opinion, of course...
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Offline Anonymous

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Re: Journals from CEDU - Keep or Toss?
« Reply #4 on: January 10, 2012, 01:32:11 PM »
.
« Last Edit: February 02, 2012, 06:36:08 PM by Anonymous »

Offline Loli

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Re: Journals from CEDU - Keep or Toss?
« Reply #5 on: January 10, 2012, 02:21:17 PM »
One of the things that freak me out is if I get hit by a bus, my two young sons would have access to it. They have only known me as mother and teacher - someone who doesn't smoke, rarely drinks, and doesn't get engaged in any craziness but good clean fun and adventure. They see me as strong and independent. They don't know how miserable and troubled I was, how depressed.... the traumas and abuses and untethered life I led, the neglect and the lack of self value. Or how unprotected I was... I don't know if I'd want them to read all that. Their grandmother is an awesome grandma and I wouldn't want them to read about how un-parented I was.  Hell, reading it again, and remembering all those feelings of helplessness was really unpleasant and sad. I also threw away so many relationships post-CEDU or sort of detached because I didn't know where they fit in my life schema.   CEDU said bare all, even to the undeserving, have no boundaries... it also sort of colored my perception that every relationship in the outside world is shallow and impure... it left me seeking the ultimate transcendental connection which is just bullshit. Relationships are forged on the exigencies and trivialities of everyday life.  Not some propheet experential from Lifespring.

I don't know if I can read those journals again. What is the purpose?
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Offline none-ya

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Re: Journals from CEDU - Keep or Toss?
« Reply #6 on: January 10, 2012, 05:58:29 PM »
If you're really that afraid of all the harm that they can do, then just get rid of them.
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Offline Xelebes

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Re: Journals from CEDU - Keep or Toss?
« Reply #7 on: January 10, 2012, 08:16:29 PM »
As Ursus said, the books might be useful material for those who want to explore the experimentation of the US after World War II.  If you can find a historian interested in this subject, you might be able to off-load at least a couple of them.  Once there are surviving articles in interested hands or there is nobody interested, you can burn the rest.
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Offline dniceo7

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Re: Journals from CEDU - Keep or Toss?
« Reply #8 on: January 11, 2012, 09:18:50 PM »
I was a little toasty one night, came across my old Challenge Phase Portfolio, got extremely upset reading the pages within (a few full-time journals were included; Challenge Phase was by far my most difficult period at BCA), and burned the whole portfolio in a bonfire.

I regret it.

I really don't want to go back into the pages of the remaining journals/portfolios I still have, but I can't be 100% certain I won't want to at some point down the road (way, way down the road...I'm like you and am always tempted to burn them when I move and come across that box in the back of my basement). Same goes for the folder full of documents my parents gave me last year (I'm 26 and have been out of CEDU for 9 years now) that showed the other side of the coin; write-ups from counselors, therapist assessments, notes from the "parent's workshops", etc.

Also, I'm a parent myself now, and if at some time in the future a fellow parent is considering an EG Boarding School, I might want to show them the brainwashed words I was forced to write while there. It could be beneficial as a kind of deterrent that helps them make the decision for themselves, as they might see my opposition to the programs as too biased to take seriously.

Just my thoughts!
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Offline Oscar

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Re: Journals from CEDU - Keep or Toss?
« Reply #9 on: January 12, 2012, 02:57:37 AM »
Scan them with personal stuff which can identify you blanked out, post them on a blog with a publishing date some 20 years into the future. When the date nears and you still are around then move the date X years forward. At some point you are not around anymore and then the pages will go online and people would know how damaging such places can be.

While you havn't told your children of the past, they somehow know that you have experienced something. Once you are gone they will have the chance to learn why you decided in certain ways while bringing them up.

Believe me: They know, but they don't know what they know.
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Offline NivekOgre

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Re: Journals from CEDU - Keep or Toss?
« Reply #10 on: January 13, 2012, 10:26:44 AM »
I showed mine to a psychiatrist when I got out in the 70's. He was like WTF??? I think he may have reported this and got investigations going ;)
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Offline Loli

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Re: Journals from CEDU - Keep or Toss?
« Reply #11 on: August 13, 2012, 01:23:29 AM »
The folks moved again and this time sent all the letters I wrote from CEDU 25 years ago. Jesus. They were censored so it was all BS. Brainwashed BS. And long ass pages of "The Gift." WTF?  Urging my parents they, too, should undergo "The Gift." I could only read a few lines of three of the folder of letters and couldn't stomach it. Ripped them all up and threw them away. I never want my kids reading that crap.  CRAZY SHIT in there.  I knew I would never have the stomach for reading it no matter how much times passed, but once I saw the place for what it is it is no wonder I extrapolated all forms of group think into horse shit. Haven't been here awhile but this is the only place I could emotionally puke with understanding even if everyone is gone.
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Offline Loli

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Re: Journals from CEDU - Keep or Toss?
« Reply #12 on: August 13, 2012, 01:25:45 AM »
It's all CEDU confetti now.

Also, they know I HATE that place with a passion. Why send that crap all the way from fucking Mexico? Just burn it.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »