Treatment Abuse, Behavior Modification, Thought Reform > The Seed Discussion Forum

the seed forum & my feelings

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antiseed:
i discovered this site by accident a little over a week ago after coming across marc polonsky's recounting of his time & experience while on the "program". reading his story brought chills to my body & awakened many memories,feelings & emotions i had either forgotten or chose to lock away. when i accessed fornits & the seed forum section i spent many hours reading & discovering that i was not alone with how i felt & the experiences i had while in the seed.[i was in the cleveland program 77 to 78].i will always refer to my time there as the DARK TIME in my life.my first reaction when i joined fornits was to lash out at the people responsible for my being there.my attacks were on staff & art & also my mother & stepfather who made the decision to sentence a 13 year old non drug user to that living hell. i constantly perused all of the topics & it started to consume my thoughts & also my actions. i then realized that the seed [by way of my own mind & actions] had once again taken control of me & i can not & will not let that happen again. I AM BETTER THAN THAT. while on the program,i thought i was the only one who feared getting called on in group & most likely getting ridiculed by my supposed peers,i thought i was the only one who was constantly hungry but was afraid to ask for anything more for fear i would be percieved as selfish,greedy or ridiculed in some way,i thought i was the only one who hated going back to school because now i was constantly ridiculed by my peers there also,[i never did get used to being called a "narc"],i thought i was the only one who while living away from home,could not wait until the time i could lay in bed w my own thoughts & not fear being "stood up" in group or getting yelled at to "get out of my head". the program did nothing for me other than fill me with feelings of insecurity,fear & taught me to hide my true feelings & deal with my emotions internally which to this day,does hinder me in some life areas.yes,i do harbor ill will towards my mother & stepfather,for placing me there when i am sure there were other ways to deal w a child with "behavior problems" & i also harbor ill will with art & the staff for the things that were done to a scared 13 year old child & not realizing or possibly not caring what the long term effects would be.i have since realized that the way to deal with this situation is not to attack those i hold responsible but to use this forum to discuss my experiences & hopefully find some answers or possibly enlighten someone else that "they arent the only one with these same feelings". it has definately helped me by being able to sound this out knowing others will read about my trials & tribulations with this experience. i will periodically refer back to this thread of discussion & add things about my experiences as i remember them or they wake me up at night in a cold sweat. this experience happened for me 34 years ago & i now can say ,i do not need to remain annonymous because i DID NOTHING WRONG. thank you for reading my ramblings....Harold Katz

none-ya:
Dude, We've all been there. I found this place like you did through Marc Polonski I was in the St. Petersburg seed In 1973 @ age 17.From the moment I got there I took on the "prisoner of war" mentality. All I thought about was escape, (and of course food). There were younger kids there also.When I saw how they treated a 10 year old,who like yourself, had never done any drugs,And the profanity they hurled at him,trying to get him to admit to all these terrible things he'd never done (hell he wasn't old enough to have done half of what they accused him of) , I knew there wasn't any good ever gonna' come of this place. My first week there I split (running) from my oldcommers house, and they ran me down. My oldcommer and 2 other newcommers! Hell they could have split too. But I was caught ,dragged back, and stood up the next day and I thought good, I'd rather be in jail. But no such luck. So when I finnaly made it home,some 4 1/2 months later I managed a clean split. SO in my mind I WON!. You may think you had it real bad in the seed,but you should take the time and read the threads about places like Elan, and others. The hell they put these kids through is sickening. Yeah the seed was bad for me 38 yaers ago,but iv'e said it before, THE SEED NEVER CONTROLED ME THEN ,OR EVER!  Those people don't rate enough to be in your dreams. Make peace with yourself,after all you didn't belong there either.

none-ya:

--- Quote ---Stack said
"The issue now is the new kids that are dragged in places that may even be worse!
I say don't forgive. Don't forget!"
--- End quote ---

AMEN BROTHER!
CAN I GET A WITNESS??

justonemore:
I'd tell you my story, but you've already heard it. and lived it, i'll bet. My induction to the seed was under false accusation and planted evidence. Although I had smoked marijuana, et al, i could have passed a drug test when I entered. I didn't so much " quit drugs" as I just lost interest. I thought to myself that one more 3am conversation about Jimi Hendrix, I'm gonna jump! oddly enough, decades later I heard a Guitarist who used the same technique,as Jimi, except he turned it into music, instead of an awful squalling.
one of the worst things, was the fear for those around you. once I'd been identified  as a seed inductee, teachers I'd known and liked would not meet my eye, would not speak. friends wouldn't either.
it was decades later that I learned that those teachers jobs had been threatened, that as afraid as i was of harming my friends by association, they were equally afraid of harming me. It is the perfect extortion racket. it was decades before i learned that my brother set me up, to protect himself.
However there's a lesson in this.They weren't after my brother, or pot, or even saving souls. (Demon,Demon Rum!)
What they wanted was a cadre of 'true believers'. In the aftermath, i've lived a high risk life, antidote, i suppose.
There are quite a few who say they have never been broken. Well, I was and I wasn't. My memory from those times,( normally eidetic) is shot full of holes. Sometimes I can only corroborate my memory by testimony of people who post here. Like the kid who ran full tilt through a second story plate glass window, or the kids on the verge of adult prison who wanted to go back to prison. Thought it was a better deal to serve their time than be property of the seed till they were 21.  Stuff like that.
I think that it's important to remember that 'what happened' is a physiologic process, not a matter of courage. After all, if i stick a needle in your eye, will you re-act?  If you don't, you are dead.  If you are here now, if it upsets you still, i propose that neither you nor your conscience is dead. having lived a high- risk life* largely as a consequence ( naww, it don't take a hell of a lot of thought to follow through on that one! ) The point is, recognize evil, ( the human problem) deal with it. How? I don't know. But many and many, those of peculiarly, have faced it, and face it still.

*Occupationally, shot, shot at, stabbed, near about blown up, present at detonation, etc. Met 'the dead guy' near about 50 times, had folks offer to kill me more than once, ( they were sincere, at least), actually did have a price on me. ( 1500$ to put me in the hospital,no killing) ( what! I'm worth a nice stereo?)
J.O.M.

none-ya:
JOM, I'm shocked that you didn't try to shoot your way out of the seed!! All you had to do was make it a couple of blocks and caught a bus,or maybe even take some hostages, yeah that's it. "I'll let everyone go when they let all the kids out of the seed".  

yeah,that's the ticket.............

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