Where should I send my troubled teen?

[queenmom]

Hi,
I am looking for a therapeutic residential school, can anyone recommend any good ones?
Is there anyplace to find the top 10 list of therapeutic boarding schools anywhere in the US or Canada?
All suggestions welcome.

[queenmom]

Don't think I will take that suggestion.
Anyone else?!?

[Gonzotherapy]

Hi,
I am looking for a therapeutic residential school, can anyone recommend any good ones?
Is there anyplace to find the top 10 list of therapeutic boarding schools anywhere in the US or Canada?
All suggestions welcome.

You have your work cut out for you. I left a program over 10 years ago, it was a WWASPS program. They are still around and are one of the worst and most abusive. If you want to help your kid do your research. Many of these programs lie about their licenses and accreditations. They will tell you they are accredited but they have accreditations from organizations that they created and are not recognized by the government.

A few tips,
1. Stay away from WWASPS and Aspen Education, this is difficult because they are hidden benefactors, check who owns the land that the program is on. That is a good way to find out who the program is asscociated with.
2.Stay away from any program that does mass therapy sessions, they are called by many different names, usually there are at least 2 and up to 5 different "seminars" required for graduating a program.
3.I would be wary of any program listed with NATSAP, google NATSAP and they have lists of hundreds of programs, I have found several that were closed due to abuse.
4.Any program that wants to cut off your communication with your child. They will say that you can receive mail but no phone calls until a certain level of achievement, in my experience this is to assimilate the child to abusive conditions.
5. Any program that has roots or connections in Utah. Utah has different child welfare laws and can get away with alot more abuse. Even if the program is not in  Utah, affiliation with any agency in Utah is a warning sign.
6. DO NOT send your kid to another country!!! To me this is a sure sign that your child will be abused.

I do not know of a single program I can recommend, I have not found one that is anything more than a scam preying on troubled parents.

[Anne Bonney]

Don't think I will take that suggestion.
Anyone else?!?

You're asking a very generic question.  What's the problem and what do you want to accomplish by sending them away?

Edited to add:   And why are you asking that question here, of all places?

[Gonzotherapy]

http://www.caica.org/index.htm
Take a good look at this website, tons of excellent info.

[queenmom]

Thanks for that site, still going through it.

About my son, he has severe ODD, passive aggressive behaviour, well above average IQ, very low self esteem, anxious, with a need for control, he seems to have shut down his emotions and has a lack of empathy, he is very manipulative, and currently smoking marijuana daily.  He thinks he is the king of the world and only wants to party. I want a place to provide him the therapy that he needs, so I can have my son back.

[queenmom]

Edited to add:   And why are you asking that question here, of all places?

Looking for anyone who can help. Any suggestions, there are sooo many schools out there and it is difficult to narrow it down to which one will be good for my son.

[Shadyacres]

Hi,
I am looking for a therapeutic residential school, can anyone recommend any good ones?
Is there anyplace to find the top 10 list of therapeutic boarding schools anywhere in the US or Canada?
All suggestions welcome.

You want your son back, so you are going to lock him away for years, far from home.  And he is the one who needs help?  Did he say to you; "I am the king of the world"?  It sounds like you have some real animosity towards your son, are you sure this is not more about you and some disagreement you had with him?  Maybe he has criticized your "parenting" one too many times?

[Anne Bonney]

Thanks for that site, still going through it.

About my son, he has severe ODD, passive aggressive behaviour, well above average IQ, very low self esteem, anxious, with a need for control, he seems to have shut down his emotions and has a lack of empathy, he is very manipulative, and currently smoking marijuana daily.  He thinks he is the king of the world and only wants to party. I want a place to provide him the therapy that he needs, so I can have my son back.

Let him be.....he'll grow out of his behavior.  I'm speaking as both a survivor of these places, which I believe are inherently dangerous, and as the parent of two grown children, one of whom scared the living hell out of me for about 6 years.  She's fine now.   If you force control upon him or try to force "change", what it sounds like you want more though is compliance.....that doesn't accomplish anything.  He needs to start learning his own lessons.  You can't do it for him and neither can a program adn they'll more than likely make his problems worse.  He'll lose trust in you forever (again, speaking as both survivor of these places and a parent).  It's not worth the compliance/control you think you'll gain.

[queenmom]

You want your son back, so you are going to lock him away for years, far from home.  And he is the one who needs help?  Did he say to you; "I am the king of the world"?  It sounds like you have some real animosity towards your son, are you sure this is not more about you and some disagreement you had with him?  Maybe he has criticized your "parenting" one too many times?

I would never lock my son away. And we want a place we could speak with him a couple of times a week and visit often.  He didn't say "I am the king of the world?" He actually said that he doesn't want to live at home because we are big family and he doesn't want any rules in his life, he says that all he wants to do is party. He hasn't been going to school, and when he doesn't like something he destroys something in the house. We have never had an actual disagreement; however, i am disappointed with his current life choices, and he is aware of this.  I am hoping  that in a therapeutic setting that he will be home within 3 - 6 months. BTW he was charged with possession last week.

[Ursus]

Thanks for that site, still going through it.

About my son, he has severe ODD, passive aggressive behaviour, well above average IQ, very low self esteem, anxious, with a need for control, he seems to have shut down his emotions and has a lack of empathy, he is very manipulative, and currently smoking marijuana daily.  He thinks he is the king of the world and only wants to party. I want a place to provide him the therapy that he needs, so I can have my son back.

ODD is somewhat controversial as a "diagnosis." As for the rest of your description, most of it sounds pretty much a teen going through a rough patch of adolescence. Perhaps riding it out, while still setting appropriate limits, might be your best solution.

There's no ideal answer which will "fix" your son, and I'd be seriously wary of any program which tries to promise you that. I'd also wager that pretty much all of the programs mentioned on this forum have done some serious long-term psyche damage to someone, so... Buyer Beware.

[Gonzotherapy]

Thanks for that site, still going through it.

About my son, he has severe ODD, passive aggressive behaviour, well above average IQ, very low self esteem, anxious, with a need for control, he seems to have shut down his emotions and has a lack of empathy, he is very manipulative, and currently smoking marijuana daily.  He thinks he is the king of the world and only wants to party. I want a place to provide him the therapy that he needs, so I can have my son back.

If you want to damage your son further send him to a program, they do not help. You are going to spend tens of thousands on destroying him. I have done alot of research, and have lived in a program, sending your son to one of these programs will make him much worse. My advice is to spend that money looking for a good therapist and spend time with him. He sounds alot like I was when I went to a program. I spent a year in, the only thing I learned was how to better manipulate the world around me. I "progressed" by program standards and was on my way to graduating when my parents ran out of money. I was much worse off when I came home, this is not the way to get him back, more likely he will never forgive you for it. Kids are going to do what they are going to do. I know that is a hard thing to accept, but smoking pot isn't that big of a deal. Sounds like he is bored, you need to find something that he can do at home that will challenge him. What helped me more than anything was finding an outlet for my anxiety. I started fighting five or six years ago, and it has cured me of many of my problems. You learn discipline, self control, and self confidence. Even if he is not athletic, jujitsu is a good one for kids I think. I do all of it, boxing, wrestling, grappling. Get him involved with a good MMA program, that's my advice.

My experience is that you need to learn how to parent, not teach him to be a kid. I know that is a hard thing to hear but it is what it is. Programs are the easy way out for you, and a lifetime of damage for him. If he's bent on destruction he will go through the program and go right back to what he was doing before, only he will be much more dangerous, and most likely have alot more problems than he does now.

[Shadyacres]

You want your son back, so you are going to lock him away for years, far from home.  And he is the one who needs help?  Did he say to you; "I am the king of the world"?  It sounds like you have some real animosity towards your son, are you sure this is not more about you and some disagreement you had with him?  Maybe he has criticized your "parenting" one too many times?

I would never lock my son away. And we want a place we could speak with him a couple of times a week and visit often.  He didn't say "I am the king of the world?" He actually said that he doesn't want to live at home because we are big family and he doesn't want any rules in his life, he says that all he wants to do is party. He hasn't been going to school, and when he doesn't like something he destroys something in the house. We have never had an actual disagreement; however, i am disappointed with his current life choices, and he is aware of this.  I am hoping  that in a therapeutic setting that he will be home within 3 - 6 months. BTW he was charged with possession last week.

You are the parent and unfortunately it is your prerogative, for now, to do this to your child if you see fit.  When he turns 18 it will then be his prerogative to consider you a child abuser and never speak to you again.  It is unfortunate that a substance as benign as marijuana carries such devastating legal consequences, but your son is a minor and should not end up with jail time.  Leave him alone and let him work through his own problems.  And maybe the "manipulation" you refer too is his honest attempt to communicate with you.  Have you ever thought of actually talking to him like an adult?  And listening to him instead of labeling whatever he says "manipulation"?

[Anne Bonney]

You want your son back, so you are going to lock him away for years, far from home.  And he is the one who needs help?  Did he say to you; "I am the king of the world"?  It sounds like you have some real animosity towards your son, are you sure this is not more about you and some disagreement you had with him?  Maybe he has criticized your "parenting" one too many times?

I would never lock my son away. And we want a place we could speak with him a couple of times a week and visit often.

Not possible in the programs we're talking about and I don't know of any that don't severely restrict communication between parent and child.  It's "part of the process" that you'll be told to "trust".

He actually said that he doesn't want to live at home because we are big family and he doesn't want any rules in his life, he says that all he wants to do is party. He hasn't been going to school, and when he doesn't like something he destroys something in the house. We have never had an actual disagreement;

There's part of your problem right there.  Why is he allowed to get away with 'destroying' things if he doesn't get his way?  Sounds like you should've applied a little discipline before now.


 

however, i am disappointed with his current life choices, and he is aware of this.

Almost every parent is disappointed in their kids' life choices at some point.  When he has to pay his own way and suffer his own consequences for his actions, it'll help him to grow out of stupid behaviors.  I'd be very wary of the "ODD" diagnosis.  That can be sooooo arbitrary.

 I am hoping  that in a therapeutic setting that he will be home within 3 - 6 months.

Yeah, not gonna find one.

BTW he was charged with possession last week.

Then let him suffer the natural consequences of that.

[Oscar]

Well, sad to saywe do keep a directory of 262 existing and closed threapeutic boarding schools and 13 residential treatment centers, 16 boarding schools with support. Also we keep track of the +200 kids who have lost their lives because a residential treatment option badly suited for their need was chosen.

Your son has an addiction. Why does he have it? What is the real problem? Does he want to quit it or do you want to make him to Lindsay Lohan number 2 visiting a lot of residential options before he wants to quit some time in the future?

Do you want to fix it? Do you want him to get an education? Do you want to try to balance it risking getting poor quality of both?

As you can see there is a lot of questions.

No person in the world can give you the top 10 schools suited to the needs of your son. Every person is different. Even the low quality ordinary boarding school could be the best option for your son if the problem is just getting distance from a tough situation in your community.

If it was my son I would start talking with him without any judgment and without raising the voice. Make a nice dinner - something he likes and start talking about how close you are to ending his stay in your house. Let him suggest some options. If he wants to move out to a friend, ask him to speak with the Department of social service. They would tell him that his options would be a shelter under some kind of contract where he cannot continue his present lifestyle. Living at another family without some kind of background check would not be an option most social workers will accept.

If he wants to try other rules, a normal boarding school could be the option. They are cheaper than the therapeutic once and - yes they are also therapeutic. If he wants to stay then he needs to adapt to a peer group - lesson learned. Let him seek the internet. Let him even look at the Facebook group at our database if he thinks that he is tough.

I believe in honesty. Now where he is charged with possesion, ask him if you should try to ask an officer if you can get some kind of tour of the juvie. Ask him to ask your lawyer if a weekend program can cut it as alternative sentence if he seeks it himself. They run a dirty one up in Howell, Michigan. You can find it on our database. People I interviewed speak of a hard tour, but it is only a weekend. Sometimes the judge  can be impressed by a person who recognize that he has a problem and let the case go on probation if a "treatment" option has been entered before the trial can take place.

But ask, do not tell.

ODD is not a bad diagnose for a teenager. It tells you that he is a teenager. Personally I would be very worried I had a teenager, who fell in with the carpet without any mood expression. In many cases such children explode as adults then I would hate to be around.