I'm sure this will come as good news to some of you, that I have decided that I am no longer going to post here, this is my last post, and I will not be responding to any responses in this thread.
There are a few reasons I have come to this decision. Back when I first got to fornits we were not required to sign in, and so I never really had a username. Sometimes I would agree with the pro program people, and sometimes with the anti program people. Not having a username makes it easier to post your true opinions without having to worry about how you will be perceived in the future, or be quoted indefinitely by others in an attempt to prove you wrong with your own words. Back when you could post as a guest without an identity, ideas spoke for themselves, and nobody really knew for sure who posted what. I thought that made fornits a very unique, and very enjoyable place to post, and read and respond to different ideas.
But since we have been required to sign in, and post under an identity, and now specifically only one identity, I find that fornits has dwindled down to a small group of people who spend more time attacking each other's character, and back story, and quoting them from months or years ago, rather than debating ideas. Having to sign in has caused a division in posters and cliques have been created, because basically everybody who posts here knows each other's position on most aspects of this industry. I think the requirement for everyone to sign in and create identities has resulted in a forum filled with ego battles and really has nothing to do with programs.
Another reason I choose not to post here is the realization that posting on fornits is done for ourselves and nobody else. I know people here like to think we post here for other reasons, but that's just not true. For some reason we are compelled to remain caught in the program past and talk about it, and I don't think I want to remain in that past, I really have nothing left to say on the subject. I've posted my feelings and experiences, and so all that left is to argue about stuff with people I don't even know. I think this is not a good use of my time, and causes unneeded conflict in my life, when it really is not necessary.
Yet another reason I no longer want to post here is the spirit of fornits is dying. I actually agree with the people here who say fornits was better a couple years ago before all the new rules like having to sign in, and now the rest that are so draconian it's just not that enjoyable to post here anymore. Being told to stay on topic, having my threads moved, this all shows me that fornits, as it was ,is now dead. What made fornits unique was that it was a place you could come and post any idea anonymously, no matter how outrageous, and people could respond however they wanted. This resulted in a lot of interesting confessions, debates, program stories, and connections. This is not that place anymore. I also do not do well under authority, something I"m sure other people here who have been in programs, jails, hospitals, can relate to. So the idea of an overseer deciding whether my thoughts are on topic, or rude or whatever, makes me not want to post here.
The last and most important reason I will no longer be posting here is I'm over it. I just don't feel the need, or desire to speak about my experience in programs which was several years ago. Thanks to forntis I have been able to talk about it, debate it, and hear other people's opinions about what i think, and learn about their experiences. I'm grateful for that, because I don't talk to people regularly in my everyday life about programs, or AA or sobriety.
I know that bad things happen in programs and I believe the people here who say this. But I also know some good things happen, my experience was not all black, neither was it all white. The experience was grey, it had its goods and its bads. I look back on the program with a sense of distant nostalgia, and question some things about it, but also look fondly on some parts of it. I know this is seen as perverse, by some here. Or people thinking I might be brainwashed. But this is just me being honest, without a political slant or agenda, I'm not trying to push programs, or shut them down, I just want to talk about what I saw and experienced, because it is out of the ordinary, and made a big impact on me. At this point I've said all I want to say about this time in my life, and I'm ready to move on. To do this I can't be a part of this forum discussion anymore.
I also want to be honest here, and admit another reason is that I think delving into this tumultuous past does not help with my own sobriety. I haven't been sober in a long time, I still use, and every once in a while try to stop and go to NA but it's hard, and I haven't been able to get a significant amount of sober time ever since I started using before the program when I was a teen. So to me NA is a good thing because the people are always welcoming, and they are still there willing to help even if you keep relapsing. So I don't feel the need to debate AA and treatment and stuff like that. I am about to attempt to get sober again will be returning to NA and see if I can pull it off this time. I think this is a big part of why I like this forum is the discussion about AA actually, because people are intelligent here and oppose AA I want to see if I can be convinced that it is bad, and won't work. But it doesn't work, it's not convincing enough to me, and my own experiences outweigh the criticisms I read here. I don't know if this makes sense, but I wanted to be honest. Since I won't be posting here there is no reason I cannot be now.
So I will be shedding this online ego that is Maximilian, and in doing show will be retiring from posting on this forum indefinitely. One last thing. I want to take this last opportunity to apologize to anyone I offended. I mean that sincerely. I think you are all good people and believe what you are arguing, and that makes you passionate and that is a good thing. I understand what you are doing here, and hope you keep up the fight. I acted immaturely here and insulted many people, I know that. I apologize for it. I hope my leaving makes you happy, if I have made you angry, please take solace in my departure. The program I was in, is closed. It no longer has kids in it. I just thought I'd leave that there for the people who keep wondering where I went. Where I went does not exist anymore, except in the memories of those of us who were there. I've enjoyed fornits and sharing these memories but now they must return into my head and there they shall remain forever.
I want to thank everyone for making such intelligent and impassioned posts, and that goes to everyone here. This is a unique forum and I hope that it can continue to be as successful as it has been in the past. Thank you fornits and everyone who made it possible, it really made an impact on my life and I am grateful. To prove that I am serious I am giving the admin permission to ban me, and ban me in the future if I should return under another username or IP. Goodbye forever, fornits.
