Author Topic: Disbelief  (Read 968 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Paul St. John

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 835
  • Karma: +0/-0
    • View Profile
Disbelief
« on: June 05, 2010, 12:50:00 AM »
I was only there 6 months.  I left there feeling terrible.  I could not believe what I had witnessed.  I couldn t believe that I had spent time occupying the same space as these people.

I could not believe how full of shit the counselors were. I could not believe how parents bought into it. It's all in the name of a cause.  It amazed me how taken people could be with it all.

I could not believe how easily most of the kids were crushed and sold out.  I could not believe the way they went after one another, and attacked each other, just as they had been attacked.

the whole thing... time after time, I watched people break.. I could not believe how weak they were.. how easily broken...

I would walk and look at the people in the hall who had been there for awhile.  They had no life in their eyes.  They had all the right things to say, and functioned perfectly, in the program environment, but they were dead inside, and did not even pretend otherwise.

They were their death proudly.  I watched brave people turned timid, and smart people turn dumb.

I wanted my freedom back so badly.  I feared that someday, they may break me. How long could I hold on?

Towards the end of my 6 months stay, something happened that I never would have believed possible.  I started seriously considering.  I could not let these people have me.. I would not become one of them..
That was a low point in my life.. I could not believe that I was considering suicide.  How did all this happen so fast?

I was there 6 moths.  I should have been "Expediter" or at least, " strength", but I had not even made out of "inductions", to be a full-fledged general worker.
It looked like I would be there forever.

One of the guys there, could see in more, that I was losing it.  I was having trouble holding it together inside, so he figured he would make a score for himself, and said," Paul you have guilt.  We both know it."

This was the first time, I ever dropped guilt, without being forced.  Most of the kids dropped it every single day.  I never did.  I use to say that I would feel guilty about claiming to be guilty about things that I am not.

He saw ripe for the picking.  I said, " you know what.. i m gonna hook you up man.. I got a ton of guilt.  "

They probably got a dozen sentences out of me in 6 months of my staying there, guiltwise.

That day, I gave the aspiring coordinator 3 pages of guilt, and my last line was, " IF I am not out of here within a week, I will plunge a knofe through my chest."

i wasn t the type to fuck around, and they took me seriously.  They sent me to the one actual psychologist in the entire building, and she determined that I was not fucking around.  I was losing it.

See, it was staring to look all to easy to give in, and every so often, I would fantasize about it, and that scared the shit out of me. the way that I thought back then, was that I would be better off dead, then to be one of them.

I was out in 2 days.  I may have told some of this here b4. I am not sure.

Paul St. John

PS I wasn t perfect but I didn t deserve this and neither did any of those other kids.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Inculcated

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 801
  • Karma: +1/-0
    • View Profile
Re: Disbelief
« Reply #1 on: June 06, 2010, 08:18:50 PM »
Quote from: "Paul St. John"
...  I could not believe the way they went after one another, and attacked each other, just as they had been attacked.

the whole thing... time after time, I watched people break.. I could not believe how weak they were.. how easily broken...

I would walk and look at the people in the hall who had been there for awhile.  They had no life in their eyes.  They had all the right things to say, and functioned perfectly, in the program environment, but they were dead inside, and did not even pretend otherwise.

They were their death proudly.  I watched brave people turned timid, and smart people turn dumb...
An apt description of the abdication of the self involved with giving in to the insanity and viciousness of Daytop treatment.
Quote from: "Paul St. John"
I wanted my freedom back so badly.  I feared that someday, they may break me. How long could I hold on?

Towards the end of my 6 months stay, something happened that I never would have believed possible.  I started seriously considering.  I could not let these people have me.. I would not become one of them..
That was a low point in my life.. I could not believe that I was considering suicide.  How did all this happen so fast? … See, it was staring to look all to easy to give in, and every so often, I would fantasize about it, and that scared the shit out of me. the way that I thought back then, was that I would be better off dead, then to be one of them
While it was an unnatural condition for you, it seems an understandable response to for someone having to endure the conflict of trying to maintain your convictions and your morals in a situation that requires accepting and participating in what is at odds with dignity and will. Daytop insists one must submit to situations that range from absurd to abusive and accept it as a refuge. I'll bet it was hard on you under that kind of relentless pressure externally and because you were having to exert so much energy to not yield. It was different for me, though I too ended up suicidal at Daytop. I didn’t recognize the situation I was in as abusive. So, I embraced it. Sure I took issue with the screaming and humiliations happening around me (and to me), but my frame of reference was already skewed upon arrival. It wasn’t until I felt betrayed and saw the hypocrisy that I began to break away from all I had embraced and break down quickly under the stress of being trapped there while finally seeing it for what it was...just another abusive family.
Quote from: "Paul St. John"
…I was there 6 moths.  I should have been "Expediter" or at least, " strength", but I had not even made out of "inductions", to be a full-fledged general worker.
It looked like I would be there forever.
 
 
 Paul ST. John, I’m guessing they didn’t move you into a “status member” position precisely because you weren’t dropping guilt, falling in line etc. I recall some of the people who were attempting to hold in the middle of the road, were pushed and provoked until they broke. Others seemed to linger in limbo on the periphery and not get too much heat on the floor, but really got gunned for in groups. That you were able to push back and consider the situation you were in at the time from the perspective you’ve conveyed here is probably why they never even shifted you.

It’s weird to track differences and similarities of various programs, as well as to reflect on the subtle variations from House to House at the locations I went through. I don’t recall any phase of inductions beyond what was called entry/ and re-entry. These included restrictions from school and activities and from some groups, but usually for entry only lasted a couple of days at most. For re-entry it was brief and lead straight to shot down after either a blistering haircut or a house meeting that involved dropping /copping and asking for forgiveness.
The Rick Ross Forums describe a similar Synanon derivative  program called Walden House,  as well as their inductions.
The variations interest me because I believe sometimes they had to do with group dynamic (for lack of a better term) or situational factors (like new house transitions) and other times they seemed intentionally designed.  
For example, of course the location they began calling the “diagnostic center” Rhinebeck was organized differently than either the long term residential facilities or the Day program. There we had some groups and morning meetings, but the groups were relatively light. For the most part we sat around playing spades between meals and smoke breaks. It sucks that on such beautiful land, the only fresh air to be had at the center was on smoke breaks. I remember from Millbrook, a glaring difference was that I saw some people on chair who had to stay positioned there with their forehead against the wall. (This could go on for an am to pm). In Texas, the worst chair got was multiple days of it and sometime smoking privilege revoked while other times allowed.
What was induction like and how did it differ from being a general worker?
Quote from: "Paul St. John"
PS I wasn t perfect but I didn t deserve this and neither did any of those other kids.
True
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
“A person needs a little madness, or else they never dare cut the rope and be free”  Nikos Kazantzakis

Offline Paul St. John

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 835
  • Karma: +0/-0
    • View Profile
Re: Disbelief
« Reply #2 on: June 06, 2010, 09:32:43 PM »
Quote
I'll bet it was hard on you under that kind of relentless pressure externally and because you were having to exert so much energy to not yield.

Yep.  It s exactly as you say.  I was exerting more and more energy to stay on top of these fucker( excuse my language), every single day, and I was beginning to lose myself a bit in the process.  It was easy in the beginning.  It was like a joke. With time, it got a lot harder. The hardest part was hiding from them completly, that they were getting to me. I couldn't let them see that, and so I was becoming somewhat fake, by trying to hide what I was experiencing all the time.  Towards the end, I was constantly plotting and planning, formulating strategies, and trying to guess what they would do, before they did it.  looking back on it, the whole thing seems so crazy.


Quote
It wasn’t until I felt betrayed and saw the hypocrisy that I began to break away from all I had embraced and break down quickly under the stress of being trapped there while finally seeing it for what it was...just another abusive family.]


That must've been rough.  very lonely I would bet.

Quote
What was induction like and how did it differ from being a general worker?

I'm not sure that I remember completely. I know that it usually lasted for about 2 weeks, which is how it was supposed to
I know that you had to memorize that thing that we would say every morning. I know you had to write something to get out of it, too.  I think you had to explain the meaning of the 12 whatever they were called:
" It all comes out in the wash, what goes around comes around, etc. "

What else?  You had to be escorted everywhere, like to the bathroom and stuff, by a strength member or higher.  I really didn t tough, because I had been around for awhile, and noone really thought about it.  Okay.. I remember, you also couldn t talk to any other induction people without having someone "aware " of you. That actually might have been for all general workers though.

For the most part, I think it was just a term to say that you have yet to even begin your Daytop-journey.

I remember, that I use to have to go to induction's groups. It was SO funny.  It was always the newest people there, and then me. LOL

After a few months of being there, I started keeping my eye out, for people who I thought were good people.  I created kinda like a lil underground thing.  we were like a support group to keep each other sane.  
It s weird, I just remembered that now.  I actually felt really really bad leaving.  I felt bad about the people I left there.  Come to think of it.. I still even feel bad now.. because I am teh one who told them to stay strong, and then I left them, and it must ve been hell on them.. There is one guy in particular, that I feel bad about.  I hope shit wasn t too bad on him, and I hope that he did somehow get out without becoming a Daytopian.
I had to go though.  I knew my limitations. I was either going to break, or lose my mind resisting at that point.

Its' amazing that short period in daytop seems longer then most years of my life.

Take Care Inculcated. :)

Paul
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »