Hello, Sorry, Goodbye

[Anonymous]

Hello everyone,
     I have been a little uneasy since a friend told me about this site.  To say the least, it's been unsettling. Anyways, after much contemplation I felt obligated to write at least once.
     I was outside today piling up some wood I chopped from a tree that fell down in my yard. I started thinking about Kids and about a newcomer who came to the building on a beautiful day. After leaving his host dad's car he started counting and reached about 12 when he walked into the building. He then stated, "Well that's how much sunshine I'm gonna get today". When I was working in the yard (it's beautiful out today) I started counting. I reached about a thousand (counting slowly) before I drifted off.  After a while I started counting again and reached around six hundred before I drifted off. I am truly grateful.
     Since leaving Kids I play in a band, drink cheap bourbon, am covered from head to toe with tattoos and shoot up smack. Well, at least the band part is true but I made up the rest to sound cool. If you read Larry G's "time to feed the baby post" you probably know who I am.
     I've been married for several years to a smart, sexy business woman and I am still doing social work but a lot differently than I was at Kids. My wife knows very little about the program except that it was tough, extensive and overcontrolling. How do you explain to someone about motivitating (busting your ass) with all your energy to get called on for a song like "You are My Sunshine" before you get grabbed on the beltloop by an oldcomer who takes you to the line for liver patte sandwiches and several unrecgnizable globs of nutrient, which upon returning to your seat you eat with a spork as slowly as possible because you do not want to get called on for being sat down (slammed) in morning rap, and when you finish your meal you stash your spork down your pants so you can; A) Try to use it as a tool to get out of your oldcomer's house in the middle of the night, B) Carve druggie rock songs in your arm (the most popular choice or C) Stab whoever you don't like or is in your way. By the way, thanks Todd L. - I now have stories to tell my future grandchildren about how I survived a spork attack committed by an angry, desperate, broken boy/man/prisoner (what is it exactly that we were at the time). I'm not at all bitter - it's kind of funny now in a pathetic way. You probably understand (although you might not agree) why I don't go into the details with my wife.
    Life is good. I also have a nice house, two cars in the driveway - everything except the picket fence, but this is not the real reason I'm writing.
     I have been a part of every Kids Program - Hackensack, El Paso, California, Salt Lake and finally back to North Jersey.
I did not have a very long program (Thank God I didn't come in five years later) so most of the time (over 6 years) I spent on staff and some of that time was as a clinical. The real reason I am writing is because after talking to friend who was in the program and on staff, I realized (God, it sounds like I'm trying out for T and R) that there were a lot of people I mistreated.  I am writing for the purely selfish reason of relieving my conscience and hoping this haunted feeling I had when I came to this sight will go away. I apologize to everyone I sat back, confronted wrongly, humiliated, had the group mock, did not give my mother's cake to because they didn't earn talk and generally mistreated. There are two many evils to list. This is what I feel worst about and I am sorry.
     I also would not worry about BM or as he calls himself, "winner". I believe both of those names are misleading and Erin B. would kick Bob M's ass if she caught him at a website with copouts. It may be Drew G, Tony K or it may not even be a graduate who is on "good standing".  Most of us had his frame of mind at some point or another and maybe it makes him feel better. I wouldn't take their assaults to personally but you can do whatever you want - isn't that a great feeling. On a side note I am sure fartogone is not Mike O. and I doubt it's Tom S. I'm not sure who it is and haven't really looked into it because like he said, it doesn't matter.
     I know just about ever one of the names except those who were in New Jersey the years I was in El Paso/California/Salt Lake City. I am sure you have figured out who I am by now, And if you didn't someone can tell you.  Congratulations Craig and Christy - hey Craig, do you sill listen to Run DMC. Keep on drumming J. I hope no one is offended if I don't write back. Love ya Group

[Anonymous]

Indeed I am glad you have decided to write again and personally your apologies are much accepted.  I spent two consecutive Christmas's at your house in EP and I am sure that most would agree that there were far more abusive staff then yourself (or I, for that matter).  Afterall, you taught me a little about Catholisism including how to say my hail marys, your family was accomodating, and the food was great.  
I too, am in a band and do social work currently much different than that of the KIDS era.  There is a picture of you in the KIDS of EP photo album that you may never have the opportunity to view unless you contact the owner of that site.  The webmaster also knows who I am and can give you additional details should you decide to post again.  Thank you for having the balls to apologize for your actions during that period of time.  I am glad that life is much different for you currently and that all is well....oh yeah, YOU? A CLINICAL?? Wow.
Take care my friend.
Mr. X

[Anonymous]

Holy Shizzit,
Thanks for writing that P. I have kept drumming. We need to get Scottie playin' the Bass again, and jam on! Later.

[Anonymous]

Hello again,
     There is a few things that are important that I forgot to mention from my note that were important. I am still sober and have been since I returned from "copping out" in 1985.  I am not self-righteous about this but I unlike many others needed some help. I was pretty messed up when I came in (are you reading this Andy S). I may have been in a worse spot today if it wasn't for Kids. I am not trying to justify the mistreatment, but as maliscious and as wrongful as Kids was, I think most of us took something good from it, although I wish it never existed. I still hang out with people who drink and party (it's part of being in a band) and have nothing at all against it if that's what they want to do.
     The next part I forgot to mention is if anyone can tell me what's happened to Gerald Watkins. He was my first oldcomer - I think it's because you'ld have to be crazy to run from although you might have gotten away with it while he was reading playboy's and smoking in the batroom.  The reason I ask is about seven years ago I was flipping through the channels on the tv and thought I saw a "most wanted" person on him for committing murder. Was this him or someone else?
     The last thing I want to say is to Don W. I e-mailed your father recently and he is a great guy but very stubborn. I think you two would get along good if you both weren't so harded.  I don't know you very well but  I'm asuming that you are as stubborn as him (usually the apple doesn't fall very far from the tree). As I've mentioned already, you can do whatever you want.
   I've now said all I wanted to say. Goodbye and good luck.

[Anonymous]

ps. Excuse my grammatical errors. I submitted before I proof read and since I have no password I can't edit anything. Anyways to Don W. it is no harded but hard headed.

[anonymousNJ]

I survived the program.  1989-1995.  



I currently live in Utah with my wife.  And if you knew me, you probably know who I am already.  I honestly hardly ever think about that time in my life.  I have a great relationship with my Mom.  Things are on and off with my step dad.  My brother is doing great.  And, I'm happy.  



I entered the program when I was 15 years old, and I was a pretty fucked up kid.  In hindsight, I believe the majority of my problems were not drug related. I was a kid from a fucked up, alcaholic, physically, and mentally abusing family.  In some ways, I think the program helped me.  I wanted to stay and Dr. and Mrs. Newton and a group member turned clinical, told me I couldn't and basically I should go out and pick out a coffin.  I was brainwashed, so I freaked for about a week, and have slowly gotten over it over the course of the last 7 years since I got out.  I learned to live life to the best of my ability with the goal of being happy.  It still trips me out when I think about stupid shit like some asshole newcomer owning up that he jerked off in the mayonnaise jar and made sandwiches for the girls side. How crazy is that?  Or being crucified in the group room, literally held up in the air by about 10 different newcomers and staff members,  and being screamed at in our faces. How fucking trippy is that?  The one cool thing was the talent shows.  And, as a fifth phaser and staff member I made one of the best friends that I've ever had in my life.  Rock on Canada!  Like others, that I have heard, I apologize for being mean (people have told me since leaving that they hated me because I was mean, but they always liked my Mom).  I was just as brainwashed as you.  I personally think that i'm pretty healthy mentally, considering.  Dr. Newton will probably get whats coming to him, but to be honest with you, I couldnt give a flying fuck.  I am still playing guitar and drums, I smoke pot, I drink occasionally, I'm NOT an alcoholic, I AM a pothead, and I have values.  And, I'm not dead obviously.  No offense to anyone, but, besides a few people who I still consider my best friends, I really dont care to remember anything else about KIDS of north jersey.  My life goes on.  I have a beautiful wife, I have a not perfect but wonderful life, and thats really all that matters, isnt it?  



"I am straight here me roar in numbers too big to ignore"



"And I know too much to go back and pretend."



"I've heard it all before and I've been down there on the floor, no ones ever gonna keep me down again."



"Cause I am strong, I am invincable, I am STRAIGHT"





HAVE A NICE LIFE!

[ This Message was edited by: anonymousNJ on 2002-04-18 17:39 ]

[Kay]

Can someone tell me who you are?  I know I know you because you were there when Gerald W. was there, but I can't figure it out?  Email me if you want.

[Anonymous]

I like what you say. Very good.It is true we were all where you were at,at some point. There was no other way to think and behave in there with out getting set back, sat down, slammed in the face or onto the floor.
I thank you for what you have written. I do remember you well.You were still in group when I came in. You were also friends with my brother and my husband. I did not know you personally, I spent almost 5 long years sitting on the girls side on first phase a lot of that time.{ 86-91} My husband remembers you going on a camping trip with him and says you were a good guy.The point of me saying that is , we are all good people that were made to do some things that normaly would not have if it were not for being there.And as far as staying sober,I have as well{even though most people say I am not an alcoholic}I remain sober. I don`t know any other way of life. I have had people from Kids, my mother,AA members all say that I`m not but, I made my idenity on being an alcoholic and go to 2-3 AA meeting a week. I really don`t know any other way of life and am to scared to try it any other way.And I like my life and love the AA program, it works for me. The whole Kids experince does effect me in a bad way as well.I still get stuck in the way I see the world and need to remember all the Kids stuff was not reality.Some times it`s hard for me to be in the world. I think thats why AA is good for me ,I hang onto them for support.
Be good to yourself.
Old Friend

[anonymousNJ]

Hello "Old Friend".  I must apologize, but I cant place who you are.  It's been so long.  I remember camping trips and everyone I camped with in the program were good guys, so the feeling is mutual.  Feel free to email me at [email protected].  I am curious to know who remembers me.  It's kinda like taking a walk down dysfunctional memory lane.  Be good to YOURself.

[Kay]

[Kay]

Sorry, I was going to write to the other Anonymous in NJ, who are you?  Because we must have been there together?  Write to me by my email: [email protected].  love, Kay

[Anonymous]

Hey jokeysmurf:  my post was in reply to the first post.I don`t know who you are ?I knew who the first one was.

~Old Friend

Kay did you get it yet ??

[Anonymous]

For those who didn't know wrote up top my name is Pete B. I'm not trying to hide anything but I didn't think that it would be to hard to figure out. Adios.

[Dave L 4/85-9/86]

Pete B**k*?

[Kay]

Hey Pete, thank you for filling me in (although a smart little bird filled me in earlier).  What's up?  How are things?  I last saw you at Mike O's wedding remember?  Someone I spoke to this weekend who recently left the program wants to talk to you.  His name is Larry G.  He wants your phone number.  So call him or call me for it  (845) 786-0819 or work (845) 942-3496.  Later, Kay