Author Topic: From bad to worse  (Read 781 times)

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Offline Botched Programming

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From bad to worse
« on: January 04, 2010, 10:46:06 PM »
Well Hell..... Here I go again.... This is an addition to my last post about being "Started Over At Age 44".

Things are progressively getting worse. It has been over 2 months now since I have brought home any money. My fiance is at the point that she can't afford to keep me around. It's so bad we are possibly going to lose our power due to lack of income.

So much for the better or worse ordeal in marriage vows. I am now contemplating going back to N.C. with my head tucked between my legs and beg my family for help. Right now it is really tough with no relief in sight.

To make matters worse I don't even have the cash to buy a bus ticket home. I guess that I will have to hitchhike and hope and pray that I don't get locked up for vagrancy.

I don't know what the future has in store for me or even if I will have a future. I wish I could just wake up and this life only be one big ugly nightmare.

To be honest the words "COMING HOME" almost give me a sense comfort at this point as I really don't want to feel these feelings.

Thank you guys for being there for me during the good times and now the bad.

Sincerely,
Botched
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline shanlea

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Re: From bad to worse
« Reply #1 on: January 05, 2010, 12:09:59 AM »
I am sorry you having such a difficult time. I know how it is. The helplessness, and the feelings of futility.  I think the thing that has pulled me through the hardest times was knowing I had to be strong for my kids. And eventually, I just became stronger.

Two months is a blip on the screen compared to the totality of your life. You may have to hunker down a bit. Money issues can stress a relationship for sure, especially if your partner is also financially strapped. I'm not sure of your partner's perspective. Absolutely, when you love someone and you have a rich shared life based on love, compatibility, and team work, it is reasonable that she would weather through this. I think the key is that she feels you are trying to lighten the load in some manner, even if it is with chores. Also, it may be that your attitude is affecting your relationship. I don't know that you have an attitude, but I know when some people are out of work or out of commission they feel more depressed, angry, or futile than usual and that takes a toll on the partner. They may understand to a point, but then they want to see you pull yourself up by your bootstraps - if not financially, then emotionally and mentally. Not so easy on command, I know.

Sometimes things seem so overwhelming, you just get tired of trying to come up with options, and that can be defeating. I know this sounds really stupid, but bear with me. I've had some difficult times and I had to get through them mostly by myself.

I had to make it seem manageable and also feel like I was accomplishing something – anything. So I took index cards and put a heading on them - say your top three problems/goals, etc. And then, I wrote baby steps of action plans. Little steps, small enough that I could do that one step and could cross it out, and then move to step two.  It gave me a sense of purpose and got me through grad school, finding a job after years of being a stay at home mom (who fled an abusive situation with nothing), and even things like coming up with medical care for my kids. Some cards would be like a brain storming session, and then I would organize steps. For some reason, this gave me purpose and helped at a critical time.  It kept me focused. It kept me from feeling overwhelmed. That and a sense of humor saved me.

Sometimes, you just find that you get one little break –one break- that is edifying enough to lift you out of the funk. It has a snowball effect that is gradual and then sudden, and you realize you can look back and exhale.

Accept help if offered.  Everyone needs a little help to get by. Sometimes it’s currency, sometimes just a smile. You’ll have plenty of chances to pay it forward later.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
hanlea

Offline Botched Programming

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Re: From bad to worse
« Reply #2 on: January 05, 2010, 12:47:32 AM »
Thank you for words of encouragement... Actually have been doing some of the things that you suggest, and that is what has gotten me by to this point. And yes the situation is very overwhelming. I do try to be productive so that my own spirits are above water, however my significant other has never had to travel a path such as ours so she does not understand.... It is a fight for her own survival... The Fight or Flight Syndrome and she is choosing Flight....

The sad part is I am accepting the flight in her as I am not sure of my own circumstances and I do not ever want to be the barrier in anyone's way of having a wonderful life.

I am a good man and she knows my heart, but some times the survival instinct comes out in everyone. I never want to be a lead weight around anyone's neck and that is the way I am feeling at this point and so is she. Even her family feel I am a deadbeat after spending a year with her giving her and her son's a cool life, the youngest of the 2 loves me like a real dad, and it hurts because I love him like my own.

Since the DUI and being unemployed her siblings are telling her I am a deadbeat and they are not going to help her as long as she is with me.... Like I really want to be a part of that asshole family now after being with her and helping her to provide her kids with some of the coolest shit and being there for them when projects were due for school, etc.

I will continue on as long as my life force drives me....But it feels very weak at this point.l

Botched
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Froderik

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Re: From bad to worse
« Reply #3 on: January 05, 2010, 08:34:01 AM »
Yeah it sounds like you at least have true perspective on the situation. I hate to say it about them, but maybe it's a case of 'good riddance' if the family is going to be like that toward you.... Who needs that? Too bad your fiance has judgmental jerks for siblings.....too bad for her, too.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Ursus

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Re: From bad to worse
« Reply #4 on: January 05, 2010, 10:29:48 AM »
Quote from: "Botched Programming"
...however my significant other has never had to travel a path such as ours so she does not understand.... It is a fight for her own survival... The Fight or Flight Syndrome and she is choosing Flight....

The sad part is I am accepting the flight in her as I am not sure of my own circumstances and I do not ever want to be the barrier in anyone's way of having a wonderful life.
Don't sell yourself so short here, Botched. That's ridiculous. If she's really choosing "flight" just 'cuz you got a DUI and lost your job ... maybe it's a good thing you find this out now, rather than later...
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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Offline starry-eyed pirate

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Re: From bad to worse
« Reply #5 on: January 05, 2010, 11:07:49 AM »
Hang in there Botched, hold fast, mate.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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Offline RTP2003

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Re: From bad to worse
« Reply #6 on: January 08, 2010, 04:07:36 AM »
Sorry to hear you're having a rough time of it lately.  I tend to agree with Froderick's take on the situation......you are probably better off without her and the baggage she carried into your relationship (her family talking shit, for one).  Hang in there, things will get better for ya.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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Offline kpickle39

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Re: From bad to worse
« Reply #7 on: January 12, 2010, 05:14:16 PM »
I totally understand you and your situation regarding the DUI (not the female leaving).   It has been almost 3 years since my DUI.  So far the thing has cost me one job and limits me from applying for certain positions offered by the state/local govts.   But, I started a new job recently and while it is not my dream job, it is providing me with steady income.  

When I was arrested, my wife was totally pissed at me and for good reason.   But, she did not leave thankfully.   I don't know if I coulda held on without her.   Most employers seem to only care for about 3 - 5 years.   I know as you live month to month, that sounds like an incredibly long time (and it is).   I recently went almost 8 months without income, with 6 previous months of steady employment, followed by another previous 9 months of no income.  So by the time I got this job, I was darn near penniless.    

All I can offer is keep doing what you are doing.   Apply for jobs and use this as a life changing experience.   Believe me, the DUI was a life changing experience as I no longer drink and drive.   Not sure what other things to offer, except it will get better.  And, if you have to ask for help from family, I recommend you do it.   And as far as your fiance, maybe as was stated before, you are better off without her.   If you think it hurts to lose her now, think about how it will be after you get married adn you have a contract (marriage license).   Keep your chin up and keep pounding the pavement or internet for that matter.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »