Becoming a Straight Robot

[shaggys]

In order to move up in your phases at Straight you had to screw over other people in one way or another. That is just the way it was. The entire system was set up that way. I think it is unhealthy for the Survivors of Straight to pass judgement on anyone for this in any way. That will only stifle communication and discourage new participation. Yes, adult staff members and some psychopathic phasers are worthy of our hate but the vast majority of us were either brainwashed or absolutely terrified or both. A child deserves no lasting blame for doing what they are programmed to do. Have you seen the movie "Blood Diamond"? This kid is captured by sadistic rebel soldiers and eventually turned into a mindless killing machine. It is real and happens every day in 3rd World Countries around the globe. You take a child and immerse them in an alien environment, deprive them of food and sleep, make them utterly dependent upon their abusers for everything and before too long you will have a compliant robot willing to do whatever they are instructed. For most of us, this is what happened in Straight. Sometimes the guilt makes me lose site of this fact. I begin to think that I was responsible for what i did there. I was not responsible and neither were any of the other children. If you tried to be a "nice guy" in Atlanta Straight in the early 80's you would never leave first phase. Even higher phasers were constantly reminded how harsh we were expected to be with newcomers. I remember being in 4th and 5th phase raps where people were harshly confronted for not harshly confronting others. A start-over back to first phase was always just a staff members whim away. If anyone on this site claims to have progressed in their phases without ever having hurt someone else, then they are lying. It is that simple. Sorry to be so brutally blunt with that but I think it is a very important point that needs to be made.

[Froderik]

If anyone on this site claims to have progressed in their phases without ever having hurt someone else, then they are lying. It is that simple. Sorry to be so brutally blunt with that but I think it is a very important point that needs to be made.

I fully agree with this statement. If you were ever an "oldcomer" at Straight Inc., you were what stood between a kid and the door, no matter how 'good' of an oldcomer you happened to be....there is no denying this. And by preventing a kid from LEAVING STRAIGHT, you were harming them, whether you wanted to or not.

[Anonymous]

In order to move up in your phases at Straight you had to screw over other people in one way or another. That is just the way it was. The entire system was set up that way. I think it is unhealthy for the Survivors of Straight to pass judgement on anyone for this in any way. That will only stifle communication and discourage new participation. Yes, adult staff members and some psychopathic phasers are worthy of our hate but the vast majority of us were either brainwashed or absolutely terrified or both.

I agree, particularly with your statement about adult staff members.  They were paid to abuse children, and they could have left at any time.  The kids in the group, yeah they were brainwashed or scared (I know I was), but the adults that stayed on to become staff members, and the adults who were executives, those guys get no sympathy from me.

I don't hold a grudge toward any of the phasers that fucked with me while I was there, but I damn sure hold one against adults and staff members.  They could have left at any time, but chose to stay and become part of the problem.

[starry-eyed pirate]

Concerning any "para-professional" staff, one has to ask: did any of those people seek out that job of their own free will or were they recruited and indoctrinated into a mind-control cult that beat them into submission and raped their sense of self before they agreed to carry the abuse to all they could.

A child deserves no lasting blame for doing what they are programmed to do.

Doesn't this apply to the "para-professional" staff too ??

I provide no excuses for any executive staff but the para-professionals I mostly forgive. There are 1or 2 I still have some ill will toward.

Peace.

[Anonymous]

I do think the people that went on staff directly from the program/cult bear less responsibility than those who came from the outside. This only carries them so far though. I would like to know their current attitudes concerning what they did before any forgiveness is offered in that direction. Those who admit what they did and how horrible it was, those ex-staff would begin to earn some forgiveness. I guess each case must be judged on its own merits. Certainly there were some sadistic phasers who carried the oldcomer job to extremes and even some criminal psychopaths who raped newcomers under their watch. In my experience though these were definently the exception. I was considered a "nice" oldcomer for sure. That said, I was guilty of abuse every time I grabbed a 1st phasers beltloop. Keep in mind though that age must be considered heavily when assigning guilt for what happened. I was 15-16 years old at that time, which was typical. The older one gets the more culpable they become in my opinion. Adults are held to a higher legal and moral standard by society for a very good reason. The adults that ran that building deserve no forgiveness and for that matter, I don't know of any who have asked for it. My guess is these monsters are still proud of what they did and only regret the law shut them down before they could "rescue" some more of us.

[starry-eyed pirate]

yeah, I don't know if any guilt can even be assigned to kids who were tortured into torturing others.  I mean, I agree that there were definitely some sadistic phasers and staff, but in general I think most people just did what they had to do to protect themselves, even though that required the infliction of suffering upon others.

Even during the ordeal I held few grudges.  I knew almost no-one was there of their own free will and therefore had no intent to harm and that way I sort of depersonalized the situation and I think that really helped me deal at the time.  Somehow I think I either learned that from or had my understanding somehow validated by Steve Mathews, who was a multi-time-cop-out, sitting with his hand down when I came in.

Peace.

[shaggys]

The expectation was always there that we would have to screw each other over in one way or another. I lived with a host family in rural georgia for the last 3 or 4 months I was in the program. Me and my host brother were both on 5th phase, his name was Freddie. We had become pretty good friends by Straight standards. One night we did not have any newcomers at the house I started planning my escape from Straight. This consisted of calling my mother back in MS to convince her to let me live at home if I copped out of Straight cause otherwise I didn't have anywhere else to go. As it turned out my mother was already growing suspicious and just downright tired of Straight anyway(thank god!!!). I told her about a recent incident at the building involving severe abuse of newcomers, told her it was all so wrong and I couldn't go along with it anymore. She told me to leave the program the next day. Meanwhile, my host brother Freddie had overheard this entire conversation. He told me how he was obligated to call the building and stop me from leaving........but he wasn't going to. The next morning we drove into the building and talked for the first time about how much we hated Straight. Things we would have never dared utter to each other the day before. When we pulled into the parking lot of the building, Freddie told me to run fast cause he would have to immediately report my cop-out upon entering the building to make it look like he had no prior knowledge of my plan. I never ran that day though, I walked out of that parking lot knowing if someone came after me that I would quickly make them regret it ( I had armed myself, a habit I still have ). Anyway, the point was, if Freddie had done the "right" thing by Straights' standards he would have called staff as soon as he had overheard my conversation with my mother. The staff would have immediately come to Freddies' house to restrain me while simultaneously calling my mother and conning her into keeping me there. I can only imagine what they would have told her to justify the setback to 1st phase that I surely had coming. I always wanted to thank Freddie for that. Most 5th phasers would have done the good Straight robot thing to cover their own ass. He didn't screw me over though. Unfortunately I never was able to thank Freddie for that. He was murdered a short time after leaving Straight himself.

[Anonymous]

If you guys need to believe what your saying in order to deal with your actions at that time, so be it. But, I don't think that guilt and shame are a bad thing. If you feel it then maybe that's because you deserve it. In time you should learn to accept it and become a stronger person, so that in your current  lives you don't end up being the conforming cowards that you were then. I took alot of abuse for months and the only abuse I gave was given to those who heaped it upon me. Refusing to accept the abuse caused me to pay a hell of a price, all day everyday. I guess that's why it doesn't bother me that much now. But for those of you who refused to pay the price then, I guess you're paying it now. I find some comfort in that. I was younger than most of you, so I don't think youth is an excuse. Don't get me wrong, I almost feel sorry for finding comfort in your pain. But, not quite. It's taken me years to realize that although I took an inordinate amount of the physical abuse because of my unwillingness to conform and dish out abuse, it is that very fact that saved me from the guilt and shame you guys now have to live with. So I say feel the pain. Embrace the pain. Then learn to deal with it and forgive yourself if you have changed. Or you can continue to be the weak, cowardly individuals that you were and off yourselves. But either way, show a little respect and don't minimize the pain I took by justifying your reasons for causing it.

[shaggys]

The above post is so outrageous and arrogant that it hardly merits a reply, except to say it was obviously posted by someone who did not have the experience that 99 percent of those of us who were in Straight actually had. No one who actually understands what happened there could post such an incredibly self-righteous bunch of baloney. Yeah, I endured plenty of physical abuse in there and I dished it out too, we all did. We were children. If you are still angry at other phasers for what happened back then, you are truly lost. The adults who controlled everything bear the blame. If you do not understand the brainwashing aspects of Straight because you didn't experience them then it sounds to me like you were actually harmed less then the other 99 percent of us who received a mind-fucking of epic proportions on our young brains.

[starry-eyed pirate]

If you guys need to believe what your saying in order to deal with your actions at that time, so be it. But, I don't think that guilt and shame are a bad thing. If you feel it then maybe that's because you deserve it. In time you should learn to accept it and become a stronger person, so that in your current  lives you don't end up being the conforming cowards that you were then.

Thanks.

I took alot of abuse for months and the only abuse I gave was given to those who heaped it upon me. Refusing to accept the abuse caused me to pay a hell of a price, all day everyday. I guess that's why it doesn't bother me that much now. But for those of you who refused to pay the price then, I guess you're paying it now.

Yeah.

I find some comfort in that.

O.

I was younger than most of you, so I don't think youth is an excuse. Don't get me wrong,

I think I might

I almost feel sorry for finding comfort in your pain. But, not quite. It's taken me years to realize that although I took an inordinate amount of the physical abuse because of my unwillingness to conform and dish out abuse, it is that very fact that saved me from the guilt and shame you guys now have to live with. So I say feel the pain. Embrace the pain. Then learn to deal with it and forgive yourself if you have changed. Or you can continue to be the weak, cowardly individuals that you were and off yourselves. But either way, show a little respect and don't minimize the pain I took by justifying your reasons for causing it.

O this is the hard part.  Sorry, didn't mean to minimize your pain.  I guess, much like I never meant to hurt you in $tr8.  To be honest you make it all so much more difficult.  But you are right, to a certain degree.  The thing is though, I have to keep on livin and though your suggestion to off myself is more tempting all the time I continue to struggle every day.  So thanks for the insightful condescension.  

What can I say, uhh...yeah you make it real difficult, cause you keep throwin it in my face.  I have to wonder about it and question everything.  No fun.  Maybe it's just a difficult subject to ponder...the past.  What's been done, what was done, how we coped, and how we live with it now... the things we had to do...

I'm much more comfortable wearing the identity of the righteous victim of $tr8 but I have to also wear the chains of guilt and shame for my own crimes.  

It's not your fault or mine or poor shaggy there who seems to have also suffered greatly from $tr8.  Hey Shaggy, keep postin man....this place is alright.

Anyway, there is much to be learned...

I hope you get what I'm sayin then.  I know I never should have motivated, never should have accepted the cult, but I did and I never meant to hurt anyone, yeah, so maybe that was cowardly, but I am not gonna accept the responsibility for $tr8, because they were holding me there against my will and controlling every aspect of my environment, leaving me, few options, which I quickly ran through. You handled it better than most of us, if not all, wouldn't some humility go nicely with that.

yeah, it would.  Sorry, I'm gettin all harsh again, somethin aint sittin right.   Whose fault is it ?? You make me out to be some pussy coward and that aint right.  I took a lot of abuse in there too, a lot.  I was even isolated from the group during the days and kept in an intake room while I was on sleep deprivation at night in the host home and all that goes along with that.  I think they were not only hoping to break me but also remove my influence from the group, cause I was respected and leading a small revolt at the time.  Don't try to tell me that I need to deal with my shame and guilt just cause I don't care for your arrogance.

No really, I aint tryin to be a dick, I don't have to try... but I aint takin that back neither.

Peace.

[Withdraw]

Um, just for the record.. the Anon post by What?? Was not me, I haven't been here in days.. been busy with finals, the ACT and a close friend died after a DWI... service was today.

So, anyhow.. that wasn't me.

The Mods could verify that.

Also, for the record.. I refuse to engage in this topic. If you began it, to try to provoke me, I am choosing not to participate.

Be well. and Get well.

[Anonymous]

To What?:
I would like to start by saying that I am very sorry for your experience at Straight. There are no excuses for the treatment any of us received. I must assume though, that you did not complete the program and therefore, sucessfully copped-out, was kicked out, or was withdrawn (by yourself or your family). If this was the case, then consider yourself fortunate to have escaped with some of your free will intact. For the rest of us that had no other alternative ( and I don't consider living on the streets an alternative for a child) succumbing to the abuse and becoming the very thing we ALL hated was inevitable - if it were not, Straight would have never been able to stay in operation as long as it did. Straight, by design, depended on us turning on one another and the techniques used were very effective in assuring that would happen. What I find amazing is that here, some 25 years later, what their brianwashing accomplished in our young minds, it is still  accomplishing today  - piting us one against another. There are those out there that would deny any wrongdoing, but I don't see any of that here. So, if you get comfort from the pain of others (which somehow I doubt you sincerely do) who are obviously repentent of the things they were forced to do as children, then drink deep and may it help you find healing, because there is plenty of us out that carry the guilt and silently suffer with the shame of what we became.
Believe me, I understand your anger and I hope you find peace (if that's what your seeking) just don't thinks you going to find it this way.

Hang in there Shaggy and Pirate - you're not alone.