The "L"-word...ugh...
I have been in a long term relationshit for almost 10 years. I care for her deeply, her welfare, her health, her emotional state, I dont want her to want for anything, I do my best to keep finacial woes at safe distance. I buy her silly things to me, but things she for whatever reason, adores.
It has only ben in past 6 months that I have used the "L"-Word, directly related to her. My initial fear was that if I said, "I Love you", the game would begin, "I love you more", and then I am to say, "Oh no, I love you more", to which she reponds, "No , no, no I love you even more than that" ad infinitum...or is it ad nauseum...
I know I am Loved. I know I Love in return. I am cherished and adored (although not easiest person to live with) and I cherish and adore her in return (although she is not easiest person to live with).
The "L"-word, or the absence of the use of the word was also never discussed in this relationshit, up untill recently when it 'spontaniously' came out. Then it was discussed....Oy! I had to explain what has already been written. All those years using the "L"-Word so flippantly, sarcasticly and without even thinking, cheapened the meaning and the effect of the word.
I personally recognise the feelings of Love, I am a nurturing sorta person, I genuinely care deeply about a wide range of things, people and circumstances. Especially those near and dear to me. Those that know me, and know me well know that I have 3 Maine Coon cats....I adore my Coons, Love my Coons, my Coons are feed the best food $$$ can buy. I take more photos of them than anything. I have often thought, the more people I meet, the more I love my Coons.
I began to feel horribly that I could or would not express this to my beloved woman in my life, but I could freely shower my Coons with affection. Although she never mentioned it, I began to suspect what woman in her right mind would tolerate my "Love" of the Maine Coons and yet never have actually said the word to her...What the hell?
So, after almost a decade of being with her and her alone, I would have to risk using the "L"-word. I couldnt live any longer using the "L"-Word as a verb, an action rather than emotion. I couldnt assume that she knew how I felt. So, slowly I began introducing the word...once every few months, then graduated to every few weeks and now to at least weekly I tell her that I Love her.
I am fortunate that she doesnt play the ping-pong game back and forth..Love you...love you more...love you into affinity (still gives me the willies). How many other women in a decade long relationshit put up with that? How long would this woman put up with that? The risk was too great. I had lost love before, was I prepaired to lose again? All over a four letter word that the world cherishes, strives for, fights for, dies for...because 3 decades ago the "L"-Word was used like a two headed snake. Love being said without the sting of sarcasim, the fear of humiliation, the fear of dismissal was a chance I felt terrified to take. And yet, I felt I had no choice but to end the cycle.
I took the chance. However, I dont play games with it. Today, she knows why...she doesnt fully understand it, but knows why. At least she knows I am not an emotionless, stone hearted, inconsiderate prick. 10 years into this now, and I try harder than I did at 2 years into the relationshit. Some how I learned how to place a value on our relationshit. Then learned I had to put a name to that value, and that name was Love.
Of all the bullshit we went thru, this mis-use, this over use of the word probably effected me the most. For over 30 years when I hear the words come from somewhere..."Love Ya", tween my ears I automatically make the addendum "ass hole"...Kinda flows like this; "Love Ya, Ass Hole". For the most part I suspect thats well and good, yet if I hope to have any close relationshit with anyone, this term, Love, must be understood tween my own ears and heart.
Much Healing
In Peace
woof