Username Post: How Change Happens/Trusting the Process
DadMom
Getting Oriented
03-29-09 08:08 AM - Post#6022
Our son's thinking and desires need to change. Sometimes we ask ourselves, "How is this going to happen?" We are hoping and praying that his time at a RTC/TBS will lead to change. We are having to trust process. Because he was making bad choices (not applying himself in school, choosing the wrong people to hang out with, treating us and teachers poorly, sometimes disregarding consequences that we imposed, and then -- about a month before we sent him to Wilderness -- starting to smoke pot), we really did not see any alternative besides Wilderness and a RTC/TBS.
I would say we are paying roughly $3000/month for room, board, and school, and $5000/month for therapy, the structure, around the clock staff, and therapy through recreation. (Our son's RTC/TBS takes a trip every month, and when they are not taking trips, they take the students out to do activities 3 to 6 times a week.)
We are spending a significant amount of money. It seems that we just have to hope and pray that the therapy, structure, and living in a small community helps him change. (Of course, he must ultimately see the need for change and decide to change.) There are, of course, no guarantees. We just do not see any other option than having him out of our home (for probably about a year), spending a tremendous amount of money, and trusting that this process will lead to change.
Natalie
Community Leader
03-29-09 10:14 AM - Post#6023
One huge suggestion, while your son is away, the family dynamics needs to change as well. The entire family needs to look deep inside themselves and make those changes that will make your son successful and the entire family working together as the community that he will be around for the next couple of months, but even all that, sometimes it is still a rough rode ahead.
Being in a structure environment is not really the real world, which is what we found out and was always concern about that matter, but the bottom line it is truly your child's decision to make the right choices and if not, that he has enough tools to learn from those poor choices and push forward and pick himself up and learn from that poor choice and not keep repeating the poor choices.
Friends is a tough one but you learn to set your boundaries, rules and expectations and stick to your guns. Also there might be things that your son needs from you in order for him to be successful.
The kids going away do not come back perfect, there is no such thing as perfect. Some learn alot, some take some falls to finally get it.
Wish you and your family all the luck.
Gs mom
Community Leader
03-29-09 01:21 PM - Post#6024
Well said Natalie. I am currently seeing a therapist to help deal with my son now that he is back home. It is a huge help and I wish I had done it sooner.
I do think they learn the tools to deal with things... but it doesn't mean that once they come home it is not a rocky road.
I think my son is better prepared to deal with our current issues than he would have been if he hadn;t gone to the TBS.
Natasha
Getting Oriented
03-29-09 06:38 PM - Post#6029
What someone has told me is that for most of these programs, about 1/3 of graduates will wind up having good success and move forward with their lives, 1/3 will have stumbles and relapses but will eventually figure it all out and move forward, and 1/3 will go back to the type of life they led before intervention. I guess 2/3 is not a bad success rate!
Having said that, I, too, struggle with the whole notion...if these kids were just left on their own, surely some of them would wind up dead, some would wind up in prison, some would wind up just living marginally successful lives full of issues, but some would hit rock bottom, realize they need to change, and would change without a tbs. But who knows what those numbers are --I would think the success would be less than 2/3 but maybe it is the exact same as the tbs graduation rates. My husband and I participated in a parent coaching group and our coach gave us the exact same statistics for children of parents who followed the coaching program. Who knows. Maybe it all depends on the child, not the program.
The main thing I hope for from this process is that my child remains safe and chemical free for as long as he is enrolled in these programs, that he earns his highschool diploma which he certainly did not appear to have a chance of earning a few months ago, and that he learns coping skills such that if he does choose to remain sober and follow a positive path, he knows how to do that. Anything beyond that is a bonus.
Gs mom
Community Leader
03-29-09 07:27 PM - Post#6030
I know for us and we are definitely in the stumbling stage with the hope that he will eventually figure it all out.... but one thing I feel is that at least him being in the TBS kept him safe for 16 months... and gave him that much more maturity and gave him some skills to get his life together.
He is not really getting it together yet but it gave him some time and a better chance. I am pretty sure if we hadn't sent him to the TBS he would be in much much worse shape than he is in right now.
Natasha
Getting Oriented
03-29-09 07:30 PM - Post#6031
Yes, I agree. That is another key component --the "buying time" --they have that time while they are safe and hopefully maturing. That alone is worth it all.
LawandOrder
Strong Involvement
03-31-09 05:22 PM - Post#6036
There's also the issue of the kid being dangerous and disruptive to your household and the community and really not being able to remain in the home. At some point there is no real choice but a residential placement.
Liz V
Community Leader
03-31-09 08:24 PM - Post#6037
I can't agree more. We were amazed at the way the younger sibling bloomed once our troubled child was in residential treatment. He's in a much better place emotionally, socially and academically now--saved two young people with that one decision!
mbirn
Getting Oriented
03-31-09 09:43 PM - Post#6039
It is absolutely true that their time in the Programs is only part of the journey. My daughter has been home for two months, and is doing fairly well. Going to school, being civil and respectful at home. She’s functioning. The biggest difference is that she no longer wants to be angry. Two years ago, she needed her rage so she could blame me and other for her problems.
But I still see many of the behaviors that got in the way of her being successful. She still is full of bravado. She is still so afraid of failure that she won’t try. She is struggling in many ways to find her place socially. She spent a year and a half in isolated communities while her friends here had other experiences.
I’m seeing the initial period coming to an end. She’s starting to write old the script again. I don’t trust her, I won’t let her do this or that, its my fault. I am working hard at responding differently than I have in the past. I need to be more direct – not confrontational, but not ignoring issues and hope they will go away. If she’s mad, the world will not end. “This too will pass” is a constant refrain in my head.
I have thought a lot about how she has or has not changed. In many, many ways she is still the same kid who was escorted to a TBS almost two years ago. She’s two years older and with more coping skill. And I believe with more of a willingness to succeed. She still has a long road ahead of her, and her life will never be easy. I do think she learned a lot, and I kept her safe for two years. And I bought breathing space for myself and my younger daughter. Before she left, our home was pretty awful. Things are much better now, but as many here have written, the journey continues.
I will continue to hold all the families on this forum in my heart.
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