You are probably wondering to yourself, what program should I send my kid to?
I want to help you in this important decision.
Who am I? I am somebody with intimate knowledge of the inner workings of this industry, and have donated my valuable time to help parents just like yourself. I don't ask for a referral fee because I do this out of the obligation I feel to help parents just like you in this sometimes difficult journey!
First we will get started with what you can start doing right away.
These are the INITIAL STEPS- 1. Do not mention to your kid you are considering sending them away. Do not leave brochures or websites visible. Kids know a lot about the internet, and can even check your browsing history or have key loggers. It's best to keep the research confined to your private computer, or work computer.
- 2. Don't assume everything you read on the internet is true. Both programs, and program detractors lie and exaggerate to enhance their argument. Take everything with a grain of salt. Think about it, this is the internet after all!
- 3. You don't have to be rich for your kid to attend a program. There are loans available, or if you're willing to work a little bit you can pay the entire way by referring other people's kids to programs. Just like me!
- 4. Don't tell the extended family of your plans. You are under no obligation, and often they make trouble and interfere with the process. Take it from me, the less people you tell the better.
Why should I consider sending my child to a program? There are many wonderful reasons for sending your child to a program, almost too many to list! These are just a few of the reasons.
- 1. Get rid of that trouble kid. This is obvious, but it can't be stressed enough. Is your school calling you every few days to complain about your kid being in trouble and ditching? Isn't that annoying? Problem solved, you will not receive any annoying calls from a program if your kid is misbehaving.
- 2. No more embarrassment and shame! This is a biggie. Many families develop a certain reputation in their sometimes exclusive neighborhoods for having a deeply troubled child. This can reflect badly on the parents. People will wonder, why are you such bad parents that you raised such a bad kid? Your kid's friends will tell their parents what is going on in your home, and the neighborhood will be talking behind your back about how bad your kids are. Do you want that? Likely not! Nobody will know what happened to your kid if you send them to a program. You can even tell them the kid was accepted into an exclusive private school for gifted college bound children! The sky is the limit on the interesting excuses you can come up with for the unannounced disappearance of your child.
- 3. Allow your other children to get the attention they deserve. A troubled kid can often take the time and attention of parents, leaving the other siblings in the dark. Don't you want to give your other children the attention they deserve? A bad apple can ruin the entire bunch, and children are no different. It's best to get the negative influence out of the situation and work on saving the children that actually have a chance to succeed. Remember, two out of three successful children is not a bad statistic, that's better a professional baseball player's hitting average!
- 4. If you choose to allow the kid to return before they turn 18 (a risky decision) they should be better behaved and listen to your commands and carry them out without question and snark. It is our humble suggest however that you place the kid until they turn 18. That way they have plenty of time to work on themselves, and you can send them straight into the military from there, or if they did exceptionally well, a community college. Most programs will allow adult children to live at the program while they transition back into civil society. This way, you do not have to deal with a child who is considering returning into their old behaviors.
Some reasons why sending your kid away is a good idea- 1. Talking back
A disobedient child must be fixed if they are going to make it in the corporate world. Do you want your kid to get fired from their important job for talking back as a result of your bad parenting?
- 2. Chews with mouth open
Your kid will never make it in the world if they have disgusting habits like this. Programs will teach them to eat with their mouth closed, and not blabber about useless topics while eating. The dinner table should be a quiet place of reflection, not a blabber table.
- 3. Ditches school
This is extremely dangerous sign. If this is going on, call a program today. This means your kid is "quitting" school, which also translates to them being a quitter in real life. That means they will grow up to be a bum. Could you live with the shame with your child being homeless and begging?
- 4. Smelled like cigarette smoke
This means they are smoking or hanging around with people that do. Tobacco is a lethal product that will kill your kid. If you do nothing, you are saying you don't care if your child lives or dies. Shame on you for not taking responsibility to save your own child!
- 5. Red eyes
This means your kid is on drugs. Probably heroin or cocaine, and more than likely they are addicted. Some kids have reported seeing other kids suck cock for cocaine, which is very alarming. Do you want your kid participating in sexual favors in exchange for drugs? I hope not, call a program today.
- 6. Step parent
Are you stuck with an ungrateful bratty kid that isn't even yours? Why even bother, right? No explanation needed here, you get it.
- 7. Adoption
Did you get a lemon? Unfortunately there are no lemon laws when it comes to adopted kids. Sometimes they are just not grateful that they were saved and brought into a loving family. You tried your hardest for a decade or more, now as a teen they are acting like you did them no favor. Programs will teach the kid to be grateful for their parents adopting them. They can bring families back together once again.
- 8. Sex
Do you suspect your child is having sex? Nothing is as disgusting and disgraceful as premarital sex. Special tip: some programs have a way to keep your kid there until they are 21 years old. Nothing is a priceless as saving your child's virginity for as long as possible.
- 9. Gay Disease
Does your child show symptoms of contracting the gay disease? Programs are specifically equipped to deal with these symptoms, and even cure the disease. Do you want your child to join you in heaven or be cast down to hell for eternity?
- 10. B's
Do you require your child to get straight A's, like any good parent would? Are they falling behind in school and getting B's? This most likely means they are on drugs, and need to be placed in a program immediately.
How can I get my kid in a program if they won't go?
This is a common worry. You know that if your kid is tipped off to their up and coming placement, they might run away forever and never return. That is a legitimate worry, because it's happened before to many people. This is why you must keep it a secret and show no signs of weakness. That means no tears, not long hugs saying you love them, NOTHING! Do not let on what is about to transpire, you will regret it. These are a few of the ways to get your unwilling kid into a program:
- 1. Escort services. NO, not that kind of escort service you pervert! These professionals will come to your house at midnight when your kid is asleep. Then you the parent will be asked to wake the kid. These people are large and in charge, so the kid will not be able to run or fight back. This is a great option for parents who are afraid of their kid. They will use pepper spray and handcuffs if necessary, but typically the kid is so overwhelmed by shock and betrayal this is not required. They will drive your kid all the way to the program from your house, requiring nothing more from you to open the front door and cut a check. It doesn't get much easier and seamless than that!
- 2. If you have some sort of emotional attachment to the kid in question, perhaps you prefer to take them yourself. Warning! This can be tricky, and might result in the kid running if they suspect a program is the destination. Tell the kid you are going on vacation, or driving to a friend's cabin in the forest. Whatever it takes. By the time you pull into the parking lot, and the kid starts to figure it out, staff will be outside your car ready to deal with the situation. It is an economical choice for those without sufficient funds to hire an escort.
- 3. Lie to your kid and get them to go willingly. This is the most risky of all options, because it requires the kid to agree to go to "boarding school" or "camp". Many programs publish brochures that show the facility to be a fun and open experience. They show girls and boys interacting and going water skiing. Many kids will jump at this chance, because it seems exciting and fun! If you think your kid is this gullible, it can save a lot of trouble and money to go this route.
Now that we have taken care of how, let's talk about the where!
These are my top choices for programs, based on my experience with students and family. - 1. Tranquility Bay- The top choice among many families concerned for their child. Located in beautiful Jamaica Bay, this program offers many options that traditional domestic program cannot. You can have your kid confined until they turn 21, that creates a lot of bargaining power from your side. Your kid will almost be willing to do anything and say anything to get out! It's amazing! Foreign staffers work much cheaper, making this a more affordable program than most others. Constant supervision makes suicide unlikely, unless they are willing to do a swan dive off the top floor. But don't worry, they put up bars to prevent this from happening. Besides, what kid would ever do something like that?
- 2. Casa by the Sea- Located in beautiful Ensanada, Baja, this program also is more affordable due to foreign labor. Besides that, your kid will be required to speak spanish if they want to communicate with staff. It's sort of like spanish class when you can't speak english, they will have to learn it, and that is no extra cost. Because the program is located in Mexico, they will learn about cultural differences between our countires and be blessed to experience many new and interesting techniques in how they deal with troubled children. They might even get a healthy tan! I'm jealous!
- 3. Pillars of Hope - Is that little whore of yours having a tough time keeping her legs shut? Is she growing a bastard baby inside of her sinful womb? This is the perfect option for your child. Here they will house your teen until completion of pregnancy and the child can be placed up for adoption. They handle all the paperwork, all you have to do is sign a check every month. Your child will be returned sans bastard child, ready to go to church without the rumors swirling behind your back.
These are just a few of the programs we refer to. Many parents prefer to have their child hiked in the heat of the desert until they decide to "get with the program", and that works just as good! Contact us if this is your preference, and we will let you know why the wilderness can heal all the troubles of a teenager, and we even give them a cool indian name! Many kids come back twenty years later, and still refer to themselves by their given indian name, it's that important to them. Amazing!
How will I pay for it now that we are in a recession? This is a common question we have been getting the past couple of months. The truth is we are all hurting during these sore economic times. Don't let that stop you from considering sending your child away. Many parents know the benefit of programs and work hard to ensure other parents can mimic their actions exactly to find the same success they did. There is a special fund for Tranquility Bay, the parents sadly pulled their child early, and he blew his brains out. If only he had stayed in TB for another two years, things might have turned out differently. Lucky for you, those parents have started a fund to help finance (at a very reasonable APR%) your kids program adventure! Let's all thank them for being so generous. Thank you guys!
You can approach your local bank. Many bankers know about programs. Why? Because they went through one themselves and are extremely grateful! Bankers, lawyers, doctors, some even say Obama - all went through a program when they were younger. That is why they are so successful. So you can go ask any successful person for a loan, and more than likely they will give it to you. Do you want your kid to be successful? Then go ahead and send them to a program, it's almost a guaranteer of their future success!
We hope this information was helpful to you, the parent considering sending your child to a program. Remember, I am not just the operator of my own referral agency, I was also a customer. My parents sent me to a program, and I took over their referral business which they used to pay for my program.
It's a compete circle of victory!
My parents are retired now, so I run the business and am so grateful and proud of what my family has started. I can't wait to have my own children attend programs. I tell my wife, I want to have as many kids as possible so we can have them all go to programs! If I could go again as an adult, I would. It was the best time in my life, and I'll never forget it.
